3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Some Santas have laps you'll need to towel off before sitting in.

It's nice that Cardi B decided to go with a more candid shot of her everyday life than an artificially posed shot in a studio.

Good thing they hid that guy's eyes. Way to preserve that person's privacy.

"Well, shit. I told Tamara to meet me in the car at 2pm. I'm giving her ten more minutes in the mall, and then I'm driving away."

Yes. Associate yourself with the good, sane Kanye.

Christmas Rapping? Get it? No?

"I pledge allegiance, to the ants, at the side of the driveway at Hojo."

If there's one thing Illa Ghee doesn't abide, it's sassy backtalk on the Brooklyn Bridge.

And before Trill B knew what happened, the three lesbians made off with his gold chains.

An album cover so boring I'd probably pee elsewhere.

"Goddammit. I told Tamara to meet me at the airport at 4pm. Fine. I'll give her ten minutes till I fly to Cancun without her."

UAG

Yippee-Pathmark, Motherfucker

An Imagined Conversation

A flyer found in South Orange, NJ:

"Okay, that was a decent pose. I think we got it, Andy. That's a wrap!"

"No, wait a minute. I got an idea."

"Uh, what are you doing, Andy?"

"Something different. Something that separates Shadow Yoga from your Johnny Come Lately yoga joints. Let's not go with Downward Dog for our flyer photo. Watch this!"

(Howard contorts himself)

"Whoa."

"I know, right? Awesome, right?"

"Uh, no."

"I call it the 'Shadow Zephyr!' And it's for advanced yoga masters only!"

"I wouldn't necessarily call that a flattering pose, Andy."

"Oh, to hell with flattering. This is next level yoga!"

"So you want to recruit middle aged housewives in South Orange to do next level yoga, Andy."

"Will you take the picture already, Donovan? This hurts like a motherfucker!"

The ProofrEADJer: Early Jane's Addiction Edition

Wait a minute. Why did I call this the "Early Jane's Addiction Edition?" There weren't any entries about any of Jane's Addiction's early albums "Jane's Addiction," "Nothing's Shocking," or even "Ritual de lo Habitual." So what gives? You got me, pal.

This Was A Web Banner.

 

Did I click on it? Well, let's just say I know a few more things about cuttlefish. Like, did you know that cuttlefish bone is filled with gas? Cuttle-bone (the things you see in bird cages) has small chambers and like a submarine, filling or releasing the gas in them controls the cuttlefish's buoyancy!

As for the accompanying photo, I think Britney Spears or whoever the hell needs to get a fanny pack to carry her Fruit Roll-Ups like a proper lady.