"Morning Captain. I see we're ready to round up some terrible puns today?"
"We are if you are."
"Then let's begin."
"My goodness. That is pretty awful."
"Looks like a handwritten, home-brewed pun than something mass produced. Lucky us."
"'Roux the Day?!' Yikes, Captain! That is just awful. I wonder if they changed the setting of the show to New Orleans just to accommodate that awful pun."
"And what the hell is a 'gourmet detective'?"
"No idea, Captain. Call for backup. This is getting messy."
"LADIY-BOX?! Why would they do that?"
"I'm not sure. They're German, we're a Polish police sitcom, and the pun is English. I'm so confused!"
There should be a special subgroup of Hallmark movies with royalty. It's the standard romantic wish fulfillment fantasy with a huge helping of plain ol' greed on top of it. Only in these movies do you see such handsome, rich, incredibly AVAILABLE princes who are just looking for that special American girl who can see beyond his incredible riches to appreciate the real him, and then share in his incredible riches. Dream on, Amber.
Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.
See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.
And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.
But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.
Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.
And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?
So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.
