Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and his talented team of whackadoo writers are working hard on news "stories" that they believe their dumb audience will accept as fact. Here are some conspiracies that they'll be covering soon on their show:

• All TikTok celebrities are elaborate puppets manipulated by space wolves 

• Hillary Clinton. That's it.

• Most wedding photographers include a Masonic symbol in their photos which spreads that secret society's agenda

• People don't call the Japanese "Japs" anymore because liberals are triggered by demeaning racial terms like "Japs"

• Wordle is an NSA operation designed to record all your personal information based on if you guessed BATON or GULLS

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Greetings, all. This is Gordon from corporate.

No, none of you are in trouble, but it been brought to my attention that this office has been slightly behind the cycle in doing timesheets. Now, being the fiscal bulldog that I am, I had to contact you all directly to stress the importance of DOING YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEETS EVERYDAY. Projects due in an hour? Stop and do your timesheet anyway. Late for a hot date night with your husband? Who cares. Do your timesheet. Building on fire? You can do your timesheets from your phone. Really, there is NO EXCUSE.

Here are this week's timesheets, which I expect you all to fill out by EOD (especially you, Myers):

447553: Pumping up the jam

302404: Filling your laugh lines with cocaine

009261: Taking a kid to Build A Bear Workshop and not buying anything

920427: Slam dunkin' hoes

210749: Inventing and developing the toothpaste jelly donut

820455: Binge watching all 63 seasons of "All My Children"

397576: Honking all over this chick's funbags

631223: Returning Ann Taylor Loft merchandise at a regular Ann Taylor store

342855: Pausing your shit fit for a coffee run

111111: Realizing that making a "duck bill" with Pringles in your mouth is not unique

577321: Finding someplace to unload your Better Than Ezra CDs

492003: Saving Lois Lane for the fucking umpteenth time

Know The Difference!

Get it right, people! David Novarro is a TV news journalist for WABC-TV in the New York tri-state area.

Dave Navarro is the guitarist for Jane's Addiction and formerly of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

David Novarro is currently the co-anchor of the Eyewitness News 4pm Newscast alongside Liz Cho.

Dave Navarro has two pierced nipples and used to tap Carmen Electra's ass on the regular.

David Novarro was once voted "Best Newscaster" in a Chicago Kiss FM radio poll.

Dave Navarro's facial hair looks like felt cutouts of boomerangs glued on his head.

Dave Navarro prefers to play a black Gibson Les Paul or an Ibanez RG series guitar.

David Novarro once caught a lot of hatemail for saying it was "hot as hell" on a 2006 weathercast.

Dave Navarro has been neck deep in pussy longer than you can ever imagine.

So has David.

Claudia Wells Update?

Joel emailed this boring video confirming the receipt of that goddamned "Save the clock tower" flyer I sent in July:

Well, well, well! Joel serves up another magic trick a mere FOUR DAYS after his previous effort! Bravo!

Execution: 8. MISDIRECTION!! Is that what they call "the prestige?" I need to watch that movie again.

Presentation: 6. Some decent production value here, especially with that nice plant on the china cabinet)

Criss Angel Factor: 8. Joel pulls off this (second!) levitation trick with aplomb and flair, something Criss Angel would definitely milk the shit out of.

Secret Behind The Trick: A hidden office fan, pointed upward and affixed to Joel's belt buckle.

EADJ Difficult Sudoku Of the Day

Complete the following Sudoku in under 10 minutes: