This Faucet Spells "TIT."

That is all.

EADJ: The Year 2014 In Review

So Google+ took a bunch of photos off of EADJ from the past year and generated a nice compilation video set to some 80s German electro.

I'm sure Google+'s original intent was to compile some nice photos of family and friends, etc., but this EADJ video is just a long parade of useless crap:

Crap in, crap out, right? Crap blog.

Google Plus Does It Again. Without Me Asking.

This time, they took that semi-serious rant I did on racism last month and turned it into an animated, jumbled mess. Thanks, Google.

Google Plus Does It Again

What the shit is this? I imagine Google+ has some sort of image scanning algorithm that finds multiple copies of the same photos and then animates them into a bizarro gif like you see below.

Kinda jazzy, really. I'd rather watch this for 2 hours than that movie again.

Another Unsolicited Google Photo-Thingy

A few months ago, Google saw fit to add some gimmicky bonus bullshit to a perfectly mediocre EADJ entry. Today, we received another alert that Google did this unasked-for shit again:

See that "Mix" button? If you click it, NOTHING HAPPENS. That's because all the photos of Vince's Uncle Roberto are ALL IDENTICAL. So there's no animation to make, Google geniuses. Here, check it out for yourself.

Let's Tighten The Suspenders On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall- WHO USES SPRINT- a texted image:

"2nd google image for 'ugly andrew gall,' behind the original" -AG

A Google+ Bonus

I made the mistake of joining Google+, and so far the benefits of this have escaped me. Until today.

I noticed something in my Google+ notices, and opened it up to find THIS:

What the fartshit? Well, you regular EADJ readers might notice that photo was from an April 1 entry named "On The Next Episode of the Lifetime Original Series 'Walkway To Parking.'"

This was Google+'s attempt at some April Fool's humor by having David Hasselhoff photobomb any photos you had uploaded that day. And I gotta say, he actually completes the tableau quite nicely. Melissa Joan Hart is essentially in the same celebrity wheel house as the Hoff. And both wish it were 1993 again when they could score a table at Sardi's.

Two interesting things I noticed from this new photo's data:

• my shit low res image is now a wondrous 1600 x 1200 wallpaper, suitable for YOUR COMPUTER NOW

• the meta-data on the Photoshopped-and-then-photobombed image STILL contained the correct information about the camera I used to shoot the background photo. Frightening!

***THIS JUST IN*** The EADJ Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index REFERENCED On CBS 2 News!

Submitted by J'Net, actual video of the 2/26 CBS News Weather Broadcast where Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Lonnie Quinn actually reference the "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter!"

Fast forward to the end of his forecast at 2:10 if you don't believe me:




(Video no longer available. Dammit.)




Transcript

Maurice: We'll keep an eye on the sleeve, the jacket, and all that.

Lonnie Quinn: That's right. Watch the Sleeve-o-monitor… the Sleeve-o-meter!




Holy shit. That can only mean that CBS 2 News has read the entries about the Lonnie Quinn-dex on EADJ and are referencing THIS VERY BLOG!!!!

No, really. Even if they didn't call it the Lonnie Quinn-dex, a quick Google search of the misnamed "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter" showed Eat A Dick Joel as the FIRST SEARCH RESULT.

This is huge. So Lonnie, Maurice, and Kristine, if you are reading this, hi, I'm a really big fan of your newscast, and if one of you would utter the phrase "Eat A Dick Joel" on the air, I'd really appreciate it.

And please tell Alice Gainer I'm sorry I called her a homewrecker.

Six Lies Told By the Bryce Ski Resort Brochure

1) That kid thinks he's totally hot shit but he ain't fucking nuthin'.

2) Although the Fireside Grill lists beer last amongst their offerings, it is the main reason anyone goes there, even at 9am.

3) You see that snowboarder goofing like he's about to jump down off the lift? He was totally too much of a wuss to do it, earning the scorn of his two braver, wiser buddies.

4) "NASTAR Racing." That's a misprint. The Horst Locher Snowsport School actually offers NASCAR Racing, the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing that governs over 1500 auto races at over 100 tracks around the country and in Canada.

5) Under a very loose interpretation of this Virginia law, a carpet lift operator could feasibly stab anyone on the Bunny Slope and get away with it.

6) Contrary to legend, the owners of Bryce Resort had no intention of making the ski trail map resemble a cartoon fish.

EADJ is proud to announce that starting March 31, participating Sizzler restaurants will offer a special "6 Lies" Rib Eye steak. This delicious, well-marbled cut of beef is seared generously with their signature steak seasoning and grilled to perfection. Served with your choice of side of either smashed potatoes or steak fries, the "6 Lies" Rib Eye will be hard to beat. $12.99 with coupon.

Bonus: Apparently Google+ detected the cover of this brochure and saw fit to add this:

The hell?!

UAG

What The "Plus" Means In Many Instances

Ultra Plus

"Plus" = anything that regular Ultra doesn't offer, which is pretty ridiculous since "Ultra" should mean you get a lot already. Which means plain Ultra is just a fucking ripoff.

Ensure Plus

"Plus" = pink diarrhea!

Boost Plus

"Plus" =  also pink diarrhea!

Fiber Plus

"Plus" = a yard-long turd

Backup Plus

"Plus" = why are all these about poop?

Officejet Pro 8600 Plus

"Plus" = four color cartridges that run out of ink after printing one resume.

Discount Food Store Plus

"Plus" = an impressive entire aisle devoted to do-rags.

K&S Curtains Plus

"Plus" = The drapes. Which should match the curtains. Wink wink.

Frontline Plus for dogs

"Plus" = an irrational fear that you're going to drive them to "the farm."

Star Alliance Business Class Elite Plus

"Plus" = You get to board 3 minutes before the other schlubs.

Das Gesunde Plus

"Plus" = "scabies," but in German.

Skim Plus

"Plus" = fat. Which means Skim Plus is just regular milk.

Playmobil Special Plus

"Plus" =  The lingering uncertainty that your child might be choking on a plastic flamingo.

Cal Stat Plus

"Plus" = Raccoon rabies. Which is different from scabies in that it doesn't affect your skin as much as it makes you go completely batshit insane and rummage through your neighbors' trash cans looking for a fish bone.

WeTransfer Plus

"Plus" = $5 to keep us from sharing your personal information to a marketing group in Saudi Arabia.

The Public Library

The children's section at the public library has a section inviting kids to throw together whatever craft project they were working on into a tray to be posted prominently on the walls.

So naturally, I couldn't resist. But I did stop short of drawing an actual dick. Come on, people.

Stay tuned as to whether this masterpiece finds its way onto the public library wall. If it does, that's totally going to be the EADJ masthead for two months.