It's Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Begone! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

 

More Unwanted Taglines For an Unwanted Movie

EADJ Smecial Dreams Entry, Or Andrew Gall and I Bare Our Naked Psyches To One Another

"EVEN DRIVER."

In Case You Ever Wondered If The Beaded Path Does Restringing

Yes.

UAG

Hey, Bead Maze, I Ain't Done With You!

Hey, Bead Maze, think I'm done abusing you, you useless, confusing non-toy? You think this is a game? Well, this might be a game, but you sure as hell aren't one. You're not even a puzzle. You're a series of lathed and painted blocks impaled on a bendy wire. And what does that amount to? Jack shit, buddy. No baby was ever set in front of you and thought, "Holy shitshockers, this is the most wonderful toy I've ever seen!" No, every baby who ever saw you reacted the way everyone else still reacts: with confusion and revulsion. I'd go so far as to say any parent who willingly buys a bead maze hates their child, and that the baby is better off being raised by geese on a golf course.

So keep thinking you're hot shit, Bead Maze, but know this: I got my eye on you, and I will not hesitate to take you down a few notches with a serious body slam. What.

The One Where I Really Give It To Some Inanimate Objects

Bead Maze


Bead Maze?! What. The. Fuck. You know what your problem is? You don't know what the hell you are. Admit it, you're not really a maze; you're just a bunch of crap wooden beads strung along some shitty wire. Okay, maybe it's a challenging "maze" to an infant, but infants don't know shit already- babies are confused by shoes and doors. So you're setting a really low bar for yourself.

And putting yourself on wheels to be pulled around is a pathetic attempt at trying to be a fun toy. Oh boy, let's wheel this boring thing over here– maybe it will be more interesting across the room. No, how about down that long flight of Exorcist stairs? I can't stand you, Bead Maze. Go fuck yourself.

Posters That Show Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Others Hanging Out




You guys have got to cut it out. I know that there are a lot of fans of James Dean who also appreciate Marilyn Monroe and others, but God, why this insistent urge to have them hanging around and shooting pool as if they were all best friends? It's tacky. No, it's fucking TRAGIC. Leave those dead people be. Even in the best airbrushing jobs, Humphrey Bogart looks uncomfortable and embarrassed. Sure, it's true that Elvis emulated his movie star heroes James Dean and Marlon Brando, but it's also a known fact that his idols were "sullen, self-obsessed and at times completely anti-social."

How about if you guys just take it down a notch with your masturbatory Hollywood horseshit. None of you can even get consistent lighting on the movie stars. You're misguided, horribly rendered pieces of art trash. And I fucked your mothers.

Olives

FUCK YOU, OLIVES. YOU ARE NEVER WELCOME! Well, maybe in a martini. BUT NOT ON PIZZA OR SALAD OR IN LITTLE DISHES AT ITALIAN RESTAURANTS!!! YOUR SEMI-CRISP TEXTURE AND BITTER TASTE INFURIATE ME SO MUCH I WANT TO BURN YOUR TREES AND DRAG THEIR ASHY HUSKS OFF A PIER! AND GET THOSE STUPID SHITTY PIMENTOS OUT OF YOUR ASSES. YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!

***Bonus Note: I just noticed that that bead maze was sort of shaped like a choo choo. Another nice try, pinheads.