UAG

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Saw this courtroom sketch in the news. Had to do something with it.

Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff Again. *Sigh*

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

The ProofrEADJer: Late October Edition

"Dungenuss"

Here Are All The Terrible Things That Will Happen If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws at 7-Eleven

• the sky will rain bile

• goats will start tweeting their bleats

• Katherine Heigl will get her own talk show

 • Ticketmaster will start requiring you to lick a dog's asshole for every ticket purchase you make

• Guns 'N Roses will threaten to release another album

• Couches will become less comfy

• Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will learn to act

• banjos will become a romantic instrument

• certain brands of dildo will start vibrating like they mean it

• Ke$ha will be converted to Ke£ha

• [insert lame New England Patriots cheating joke here]

• neo-nazi groups will introduce the fancier "swash-tika"

• The world's supply of chives will vanish, leaving you with just sour cream flavored potato chips

An Entry That Will Make You Uncomfortable

Spotted on the cover of the New Jersey DMV's "Safe Driving, A Parent's Guide To Teaching Teens," a pretty girl behind the wheel.


No, wait. That's a DUDE. You were momentarily distracted by his girlish features, weren't you? You thought those gentle features, plucked eyebrows, eyeliner(!), and glossed lips belonged to a girl, but you were WRONG!



THAT. IS. A. DUDE. And you were caught ogling a dude. A teen dude learning to drive. With perfect teeth. And an impressive complexion. See how uncomfortable that makes you? Just soak in the awkward androgyny now. Ahhhhh.

It probably doesn't help matters that this dude also resembles hardcore pornstar Taylor Rain, who does some pretty unspeakable things on camera. Go ahead. Click on that link. And turn off Google's SafeSearch. And how in the hell did you know who Taylor Rain was? Fucking PERVERT!


That is a dude, right?

An Open Letter To Papa John of Papa John's Pizza

Dear "Papa" John Schnatter of Papa John's Pizza,

Dude. You are too fucking YOUNG. When I first heard of you in Atlanta, I was picturing your classic jolly, fat Italian man with a chef's hat playfully worn askew, possibly sporting a black mustache and winking at the camera. A stereotype, to be sure, reinforced by years of Yellow Pages ads and takeout menu clip art. And once I actually sampled my first delicious slice of Papa John's hand-tossed BBQ Chicken and Bacon pizza, that image morphed into a chubby cheeked older man– possibly balding– but still with a jaunty kerchief and a fat belly under his apron. And you were either tossing some pizza dough in the air or doing that Italian thing with your fingers that either indicates "okay" or "delicioso!" Yeah, that was a good image.

So imagine my dismay and disappointment when I finally see a photo of you in a menu. You look like you're only twenty, son! You have a lustrous full head of hair, and worse than that, you're not even fat. I might as well have seen a photo of a skinny albino Bangladeshi girl in a pizza apron, or a robot praying mantis with pepperoni dreadlocks. Or Blanka from Street Fighter.

I will admit, "Papa," it is very impressive that you've created a multi-million dollar empire of more than 3,000 franchisees worldwide at such a tender age. It's a credit to your ingenuity that you've accomplished so much while still looking like the kid who passes out at a party and gets the word "SMEGMA" drawn on his forehead. So, kudos to that.

But don't you see your youth and fitness work against the image of delicious pizza? Don't you realize you don't even look like you could make a ketchup sandwich? All those pizza chef stereotypes exist for a reason, "Papa." People who look like you usually can't cook for shit.


Yeah, I know that in a few decades, your metabolism will catch up with you, and you'll start graying and getting a paunch. And the image will finally match the product. Maybe until then you could grow some black sideburns, start playing the accordion and hire a monkey in a fez? Please?

Age already, Skeeter.

Sincerely,
EADJ