Spotted On The Road:

Unintentional Joy Division album art. 

Meanwhile, at the Gaslight Restaurant...

"Good evening, folks. I'm Gerald, and I'll be your server tonight. Will that be all?"

"Haha. What?"

"Will be there anything else? Or are you ready for the check now?"

"Uh, we haven't ordered yet..."

"Great! (tears bill off of pad) I'll just get that when you're ready. You guys have a good night, okay?"

(reads bill) "$400 for champagne? And it's not even the good stuff."

The Latest New Perks For All AMC Stubs Awards Club Members

AMC is happy to announce even more benefits for being a member of Hollywood's best rewards program: Stubs! Here now are the latest partnerships and perks you can enjoy by joining today:

• Go ahead and clip your nails- we'll clean it up!

• Shirtless hugs from either Tammy or Danny, depending on who's working

• Helpful plot subtitles for the stupid

• Free hose that runs to the toilet so you don't have to get up (funnel for women)

• If you boo, we will feel shame

• We will cover your eyes during scary movies with our hands

• If there's a fire, we will do our best to put it out quietly so you won't be disturbed

• BANDOLIERS FOR CATS

We Don't Really Need Another Off-Brand TP Roundup, Do We?

Just a small one, then? Fine.

Brand: Blue Ribbon

Label: A blue ribbon, duh.

Feels Like: Sprinkling sand on a lathe and then straddling it.

Brand: Unknown white label brand

Label: Picture of a polar bear skeeting cocaine onto a giant tooth

Feels Like: Rutting a pine cone whilst riding a bumpy luge.

Brand: Greenlane

Label: Green disco lettering

Feels Like: Hiding the Necronomicon between your ass cheeks.

He's In My Life

Pictured below, my iPhoto "Faces" feature asks me to identify two people in my albums.



I know that guy on the left, at least.

Hey, T-Mobile Girl,

Please stop. You're nothing more than a poor imitation of the famous and award-winning "Mac Vs. PC" ad campaign that Apple ran for, like, years.


What, you say that Apple campaign has ended, so it's fair game now? Do you think the public actually has that short a memory? That's pretty insulting. Oh, you say that you're actually a riff- an homage- to the "Mac Vs. PC" campaign, turning it on its ear to parody your service's superiority to AT&T's? Maybe. But if so, you're 1. Not being very clever with the parody 2. Replacing two talented comic actors with yourself and a male model who isn't even remotely interesting 3. Broccoli with beef on rice (asterisk denotes spicy)


T-Mobile Girl, I'm not blaming you for this advertising fiasco. I'm sure you're a nice person, and you seem to deliver your lines with skill, so I'm not going to pick on you. I just find it cynical that someone plopped a pretty girl in a pink dress without any irony or purpose.


After a minor bit of Googling, I've learned this actress is named Carly Foulkes and she's also a bikini model.


Never mind, Carly. Carry on!

The Lyrics To "Rude Boy" by Rihanna Explained As If It Weren't Talking About Anything Dirty

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: A boy who previously had been rude to Rihanna has been invited back to make amends by helping her raise a flag.

Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna wonders aloud if the rope to the flag is too tall for him to reach.

Take it, take it baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although she still considers the boy a "baby," he harbors a deep affection for her.

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: It turns out, the boy was helping Rihanna raise the flag to her boat. She has invited the boy to a nighttime trip, and has even offered to let the boy steer the boat (supervised, of course).

Tonight I'ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Tonight I'ma let it be fire
Tonight I'ma let you take me higher
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Surprise! Rihanna and the boy have sailed to Chincoteague Island, Virginia, a famous resort island known for its wild pony rides and supervised camping with bonfires. "Higher" refers to the many birding activities at the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge.

Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Here, Rihanna has asked the boy's help getting a protective plastic tarp back on the boat.

Do you like it?
Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: So many activities!

Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want
Nah nah-ah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although frowned upon by the National Park Service, many campers on the island light firecrackers.

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: ...Uh... tickle fights?

I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: The boy brought some "kissing dolls" and a chess board with him. Such a good time!

So giddy-up; time to get it up:
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: They ride ponies back to the boat and raise the sail again.

you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
Come here right now
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna accuses the boy of stealing something from her boat and demands to see what he has behind his back. And this night was going so well!