EADJ Presents: Which Diddy Crime Documentary Should You Watch?

So you want to sit down and watch a crime documentary using dramatic music and recounting (or even recreating) Puff Daddy / P. Diddy / Diddy's allegations of sexual assault, sex trafficking, grooming minors,  false imprisonment, forced labor, kidnapping, arson, bribery, and obstruction of justice. But which one should you watch? Use this handy guide which makes all its assumptions based on the posters:

"Diddy: The Making of a Bad Boy" on Peacock

Use of Red: A shocking splash of what looks like tomato soup drips down the side over one of Diddy's eye. Diddy stands in front of a rough cement wall, which implies prison or crime. The reflection in his sunglasses shows all the celebrity coverage.

Verdict: Guilty

"Diddy: Monster's Fall" on Amazon Prime Video

Use of Red: They colored Diddy's skin and shirt to be bright red, so now he looks either like Darth Maul or the Devil in any Broadway musical. The crackling effect and the crumbling wall behind him indicate a disintegrating empire. And prison. Or unqualified house painters.

Verdict: Guilty

"TMZ Presents: The Downfall of Diddy" on AppleTV and Tubi

Use of Red: Only on the TMZ logo, which if you ask me does implicate THEM as evil. Diddy stands in darkness with only his innocent looking eyes peeking out for help.

Verdict: Guilty

Get a (Karaoke) Room, Guys

We re-captioned a still from the new trailer for "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire":

UAG

The Few Things I've Learned About The Tapout Crew Just By Looking At Photos Of Them and Nothing Else

1) The Tapout Crew consists of three members: Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup Who Always Has His Mouth Open, Miniature Cholo, and Accountant With Disco Wig.

2) The Tapout Crew exists to promote Tapout, the clothing brand. Or is it an energy drink? Maybe it's a mixed martial arts league? Fuck if I know.

3) Of all his dumb hats, Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup seems to prefer the dumb top hat with the fur fringe the most; it's his fall-back hat.

4) When taking photos, Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup probably isn't making any noise with his open mouth, which looks pretty pathetic when you're on set.

5) Miniature Cholo's action figure is 1:1 scale.

6) The three members of Tapout Crew often weep openly whilst jerking each other off in the back of a limo on the way to a gig. This acts as a motivating ritual for two of them.

***ABSURD TRAGIC UPDATE***

Uh, apparently, one of these gentlemen DIED in 2009. Whoops.

So, What Did We Think Of "Dragons II: Metal Ages, The Movie" In Comparison To All The Other Crappy Movies We've Watched?

Well, it wasn't original by any stretch of the imagination. Very average storyline. Animation sucked pretty badly, and the voice acting was decent but not memorable. Very forgettable but not offensively bad. For that reason we drop it somewhere in the middle between "The Man From Button Willow" (another example of lazy animation) and "Intimate Agony," the melodramatic PSA on herpes, which now that I think about it, should really be more towards the top of the heap of this spectrum for its sheer hilarity.

Now, what movie was I talking about? You SEE?

This (uh) Is (uh, yeah) the (uh, uh) Remix.

remixed by Diddy at Bad Boy Productions. An EADJ exclusive.

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)