Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

♪ Life is a Pa-athmark, Old Chum / It's Only a Pa-athmark ♪

 

Happy New Year from Eat A Dick Joel

May your 2025 be like your 2024 but with less scabies, family fights in the parking lot of a Perkins Restaurant, and fewer probation denials!

And Now, A Word From Today's Sponsor

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The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

An Important Message From Cox Cable

Hello, faithful Cox Cable subscribers.

In the past month, you may have noticed that some of the services that we at Cox Cable provide to over 700,000 of our customers have not been to our usual standards. Namely, that many of you do not have TNT on your TVs anymore. This prevents many of you from watching the hit show "Rizzoli & Isles."

The truth of the matter is, Cox Cable Inc. has been in negotiations with TNT with regards to the licensing of the programming, and TNT is frankly being serious dicks about it. This last week marks the eighteenth week that we've gone back and forth in our haggling with TNT over the price per episode that the next year's contract should be.

It is our primary mission to ensure that you Cox Cable subscribers get the most fulfilling experience with your service, but we regret to inform you that "Rizzoli & Isles" will not be part of that experience.

We apologize that among the episodes that you have missed due to these negotiations are Episode 3.3 "This Is How The Heart Breaks," in which Maura and Jane save the life of a man brought into the morgue by performing a tracheotomy; Episode 3.4 "Welcome To The Dollhouse," in which Jane and Maura are on the case of a killer that dresses his victims as 1980's dolls while Korsak finds a dog that turns out to be a dog for soldiers with PTSD; and Episode 3.5 "Throwing Down The Gauntlet," in which Maura's biological mother, Dr. Hope Martin (played by Sharon Lawrence) turns out to be a very successful doctor who help women and children in need.

But them's the breaks since TNT have been serious dicks about negotiations.

"Why the dick should I care about your stupid negotiations?" you might ask us. And you'd be right. Why should you care about some backroom dealings that we're having with TNT, and why are we airing our dirty laundry like some wronged teen girlfriend? And why aren't there any "Rizzoli & Isles" episodes on TV, dammit?!?!?!?

And you'd be right. It is bad corporate practice for us to run vindictive anti-TNT promos when what we should be doing is groveling at the feet of TNT and begging them to give us more quality programming like "Rizzoli & Isles" to our wonderful customers. We should get over ourselves and provide the richest, most COMPLETE lineup you've come to expect from Cox Cable!

Or not. Stay tuned till next week to see if you fuckers get to watch Episode 3.6 "Money Maker," in which Maura sets up a dinner date with Hope and her daughter. As soon as Maura does this she regrets this decision insisting that her home is a mess, and doesn't know what to cook for her. Just as she asks Jane what to do, they are called on the case of a right ear, that is stuck to the house of a Georgette, who is working on selling the house. Just as the garbage truck comes, Jane stops them, to find out that their victim, Neal Murray, is in the trashcan. Maura finds that Neal had erectile dysfunction, and had to inject medicine into the left side of his shaft, she finds that the murderer is right handed because the last injection mark is on the low right side. Later that night at dinner just as Hope and her daughter, Kayleen, arrive Maura finds that the drawing of Hope is still on her wall. During dinner Jane, Maura, Angela, Hope and Kayleen discuss about how moving has been hard on her and how she has to move schools. When dinner is over, Kayleen leaves early wanting to be alone, moments later Hope follows her insisting that she is fragile and needs her mother. The next day, Hope reveals that Kayleen is ill with a bacterial infection, and she is need of a kidney transplant. Later Maura decides that she's going to donate a kidney to Kayleen anonymously, since she believes they're a match. Frost and Jane find out that Neal was running an underground sex party, and that the night Neal was murdered there was a party at that house, and that Georgette is the realtor on all the houses. It is found out that Georgette is a former prostitute. Later, Jane and Maura go into one of the sex parties that Georgette throws, Jane works by taking hairs from the call girls, and Maura examines them to see if they're the one who killed Neal. When Jane goes back to get more hairs, she hears a scream, and finds that Georgette has been murdered and pushed into the pool. At the end it is found out that the wife of the coach murdered Neal and Georgette. At the end of the episode, Kayleen tells Maura that she knows who she is, and she doesn't want her kidney. Hope, who has been frantically looking for Kayleen, walks in and Maura tells her that she is Paddy Doyle's daughter, Hope tells her she doesn't want anything to do with her, walking out and leaving Maura in tears.

A Foodstuff Experiment

Not to be outdone by 5 Hour Energy Drink, some random no-name company decided to come out with 6-Hour Energy Cookie. This makes sense because huh?

So what do I do? Naturally, I buy one like an idjit.

So I ate the cookie at 9:45 and will check in later at quarter to three to let you know if this morning cookie got me pumped all day like a red bu... sorry. Like a red rhino. *rolls eyes*

Shit's nasty, btw.

**UPDATE:**  My math sucks. I meant quarter to four, not three. And although I haven't felt "charged" in the last 6 hours, I haven't fallen asleep on my ass, either.

Overall grade: F

Spotted In North Carolina

Wait, there are people who both get Limp Bizkit song lyric references and reproduce? Fuck.

Yum.

After yesterday's EADJ Song Hate entry, a few curious readers* asked us, "What is that delicious treat that Rob Thomas is enjoying in that photo?" We tried to contact his booking agent Grabow to ascertain the treat, but our calls were not returned.

*Not really


So using the Internet and our own cognitive reasoning, we present the 4 most likely candidates:

1) Nutella Sandwich


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Right color, square shape; brown all around the edges, just like a sandwich.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong size for a regular slice of bread; texture is too "Smooth" (sorry) for bread.


2) Fig Newton


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color; generally right shape.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Fig newtons are brown only on the ends; WAY too big to be a fig newton.


3) Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwich

Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color?
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong shape; too thin to be an ice cream sandwich; plus, it would have melted during the shoot because it looks like "a hot one" (sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry).


Pepperidge Farm® Milano Cookie


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct texture; brown filling goes all around; right size! Plus, in a recent interview with "Interview" Magazine, Rob Thomas professed his love for Milano cookies, dating all the way back to 1999, THE YEAR THIS VIDEO CAME OUT!
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Shit, wrong shape.

Reaction-O-Rama, The Beginning

I show J'Net 2 Girls 1 Cup back in November. Remarkably, she watches the whole thing.

The Dickside Chats, Part Three (Entry #398)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, balls, and general kung fu stances on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very homestyle, very mellifluous series:

Joel:... (continued from Friday's entry) Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

Andrew: (Passing Joel bowl of dick) Point taken. Besides, the opinions of those who chomp cock are pretty much nonpartisan by default, yes? Thought so. Anyhoosies, there's been something on my mind for a little while now, and it's only grown more glaring in recent weeks, following the sink jerking developments. How does the bullshit list fit in with EADJ? Are they two circles that intersect? How do you see this playing out?

Joel: Frankly, Susan, I'd love for EADJ to grow its readership beyond the bullshit list. And that's probably going to require me to become a famous screenwriter. I'm sorry, is this dick organic?

(pictured above, a high angle spares us a shot of Andrew's Dad's balls; Andrew's Dad shows us a sock)