♫ The World Is a Pathmark ♫

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 29

Doods and doodettes!

Mark from the mail room here. Some uppity upper ups have deputized me to remind (translation: nag) you fine folks to complete and submit your timesheets by 5pm today, otherwise Accounting can't  do their job of billing our clients and then WE don't get pizzaid!

So do your due doo-doo and help us HELP YOU!!!!

<3 mark="" p="">

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67982: Sending out sausage fest invites

49995: Collecting most but not all of the Infinity Stones

24133: Remembering your myspace password

04032: Telling the difference between Gleep and Gloop from the Herculoids

88210: Eating the cheese out of a "crackers and cheese' snack pack like it's cunnilingus

95255: Forgetting your troubles for a while

58243: Keeping the damn blanket on the streaker

08310: Ignoring Mark from the mail room (Hey!)

44812: Explaining the entire Resident Evil series storyline to your grandpa

32209: Secretly wishing for Whammies

95734: Sharting your kilt

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes and whatnot, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• The Deadliest Catch (Kids Edition)

• Making The Album: Soulja Boy's Stacks On Deck, 2016

• Bing Bong, Bing Bong Bong Bong Bong- The Speeches of Donald J. Trump

• My Fatass, Your Dick: The Animated Series

• Shivved!

• The Millennial Almond Butter Taste Test 

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week: 

• The Enchanted Punch Fist of Kung Fu Sarah

• X-Treme Cabinetry

• Farmer Jokes Very Respectfully Told By Migrant Workers

• Love It or Lease It or Fuck It

• Smashed Potatoes DEATHMATCH: Jamie Oliver vs. Rachael Ray

• A Series of Minor Celebrities Compliment Snooki's Navel

• A Film Crew Follows James Woods As He Yells At Pigeons

||| The |||||| |||||||| Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster ||||| Until ||||| |||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||||

Lobsterfest has become less of a temporary promotion and more of a cultural phenomenon. People refuse to leave the restaurant grounds, often setting up camp in the grassy island in the parking lot and tanning the hides of deer that they've hunted on the highway. To not anger them any further, we have decided to announce all new ways for them to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Here are the latest:



• We literally soak everyone in butter in a special tub at the entrance in advance. Then when they eat lobster at their table, they don't have to dip their meat into any pesky butter dishes. The butter soaking their clothes will also act as a constant reminder that they are welcome to come back anytime to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ At Red Lobster. Which we hope the fuck works.

• Lobster bibs? No, we are talking lobster mumus! And wheelbarrows full of lobster! And a punchbowl full of macaroons! What diet, bitch? That's a totally valid way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. DON'T JUDGE ME.

• Okay, bear with me now, but what if we *didn't* serve lobster? What if instead of lobster we served hummus and pita bread, with a large pan of delicious crudité made from bell peppers, carrot sticks, and broccoli? I know it sounds crazy, but goddamn, that would be tasty, cause Carla and I are really sick of eating lobster. Please, just this once can we enjoy something else for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We boil our lobsters in basins shaped like your head, so it looks like your ideas are boiling over! All your friends will compliment you on your fertile imagination and girls will stop looking at you like you just raped their grandma. Now that there there is one heckuva way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster!

• We name four of our lobsters Ringo, John, Paul, and George. We dress them in those colorful Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms and lower them slowly into boiling water, right when they start on "Lovely Rita" on the second side of the album, which for my money is the worst song on there, anyway. Is that really another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster? No.

• ¿Bien, el oso conmigo ahora, pero lo que si nosotros *hizo no* sirve langosta? ¿Qué si en vez de langosta nosotros servimos paté de garbanzos y pita pan, con una cacerola grande de crudité delicioso hizo de pimientos, de palos de zanahoria, y del brécol? Sé que suena loco, pero maldito, eso sería sabroso, la causa Carla y yo están realmente enfermos de comer langosta. ¿Por favor, podemos esta vez nada más nosotros disfrutamos de algo más para Lobsterfest® en Langosta Roja?

• How 'bout I get a two by four and whoop some serious ass up in this motherfucker. How 'bout that shit. Another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Unmitigated Failure

I spotted this earlier today. Fancy that.

RELATED UPDATE: In a creative meeting, I stood between Brynn & Larry K. I congratulated Brynn for winning and she said, "Thanks." Then the CD overheard and asked, "What'd you win?" And Brynn and Larry K muttered, "Rolly Wrap." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Life begins at 50!!!!!!!

After years in the Hollwood, Joel's career in the field of entertainment has taken an exciting new turn:

Joel has been asked to direct a theatrical production!

Meadow Brook Theatre in Detroit Michigan is proud to announce the 12-week run of the Bertram Award winning play "Hats!" With only 584 seats, the back of the house is only 19 rows from the extended stage. Needless to say, sightlines are excellent.


Hats! is a new musical about MaryAnne, who is 49.999 and unhappy about turning The Big Five-Oh. She meets several remarkable Red Hatted women who teach her about fun & friendship after 50 through stories and fabulous songs by Kathie Lee Gifford, Pam Tillis, Gretchen Cryer, Melissa Manchester, Amanda McBroom, Carol Hall & Susan Birkenhead, to name a few.

Joel's special take on this new classic features lots of water spit-takes, rolling of eyes, and holding both hands to heads to convey surprise. Joel has also requested that a drummer be on hand for rimshots. Joel has also required the flying in of dangerous, exotic birds to fly around and shit on people.

The play will run a merciful 45 minutes with assorted crackers, fresh vegetable tray with homemade ranch dipping sauce, assorted nuts, pretzels and other munchies. A personal stash of dick has been set aside for Joel, of course. It's in his contract.