The ProofrEADJer, End of Jan Edition

Do they mean "Veggie Tales"?

Programming Lineup Changes at Hulu

The following shows and movies will be ADDED TO the Hulu streaming service this month:

• The Equalizer On The Stereo That Dad Keeps Telling You Not To Mess With

• Fatal Stunt Bloopers

• Saved By The Bell: Remote Learning Generation

• Moms Who Get Off Their Ass And Dance For Once

• Boring Woodworking Show Where No One Cuts Off An Arm

The following shows and movies will be REMOVED FROM the Hulu streaming service this month:

• The Step-By-Step Guide To Hacking Your Laptop To Get Free Hulu Forever

• CNN Town Hall with Psychopathic Racist Murderer Who's Running For Public Office

• PBS Anthropological Nudity

• The Married Bachelor

• Antarctica's Got Talent

The EADJ Pun Police: Roman Praetorian Guard Edition

"Fellow Praetorian Guards of glorious Rome. It is our task and vow to protect the Emperor from any and all puns or wordplay. Vigilance shall be our duty to the empire."

"Jesus Shoe Repair is mocking how we crucified that man a few weeks ago. TO THE LIONS WITH THIS STREET COBBLER!"

"Oh, I thought the wordplay was in 'seedy', like somehow it had to do with seeds and water, which confused me. But I see it has to do with the plumbing JOINTS, which isn't an enjoyable pun by any stretch of the imagination! TO THE LIONS WITH THEM!"

"'You may be entitled to condensation.' Never mind the lions- I'll slay this one with a sword myself."

"GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! PROTECT CAESAR FROM THIS PUN BEFORE HE BECOMES AN ACTUAL GHOST! WHY DID I EVEN USE THAT EXPRESSION? IT'S A TOTAL ANACHRONISM!"

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of June 18

Twitter continues to be the social media platform of choice for trolls, conceited assholes, and misinformed douchebags. But even they refuse to use the following hashtags, mainly because they still have taste. So feel free to use any of these in your posts that nobody will ever read:

#nofilternot

#humbleselfie

#purellinmypeehole

#cevichefilleddonuts

#brunswickstewenemas

#botheringSmoothBathome

#someonefartedinmyscubamask

#thinkingthephraseclamdiggerisdirty

#makingmyownsalsafromjarsofsalsa

#cleaningsemenoffacappuccinomachine

#KirkCameronlifetimeachievementOscar

#everybodyinDragonballZlookslikethey'retakingashit

Weren't You The One Who Tried To Break Me With Goodbye / Did You Think I'd Pathmark / Did You Think I'd Lay Down and Die

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're considering entering the lucrative world of pornography to be an actor or actress, you will need the following: a camera, and a porn name. Whilst we cannot give you a camera, we can provide you a list of available (but fucking terrible) porn aliases you could use if you so chose to enter the industry. Huh huh huh huh, we just said "enter."


HER:

Urethra Franklin (thanks, Emily Kane!)

Ureter Moreno

Sarah Draftinhere

Tits Romney

Pisstina Applegape

Humpkin Spice Twattay

Anna Tomicallycorrect

Phyllis Holerighthere

Alluva Cox

Lilly Hammered

Betty Cumsfirst

HIM:

Junk Dilla

Tucker Boner

Jack Kinghoff Yurdad

Takina Dumpf

Insurance Claude

Jean-Michele Scrota

Pvt. Partz

Phil Anderer

Otto Correct

Bruce D. Ego

Reck Tal

Darius Fucker

Kid's Domino Is Ambivalent.

Toy Oven Is Shocked.

Let's Ransack the EADJ Mail Sack!

A photo and comment submitted by John Reid:


"Women."

Heroes, Episode 3

Yawn.

Heroes, Episode 2

Brynn and Joanne continue to one-up NBC when it comes to script writing for "Heroes."

A Quick Rundown of Joel's Thoughts on Certain Issues

The following are not actual quotes, but computer-generated hypothetical Joel musings:

ON EATING DICK: "I loves it."

ON THE BASSLINE TO KYLIE MINOGUE'S 'I JUST CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD': "Hypnotic."

ON PIZZA HUT CAVITINI: "I definitely have a love/hate relationship with that pasta dish. On one hand, it's a welcome, delicious alternative to the general sameness of Pizza Hut-brand pizza. But on the other, it's a tiny nasty dish of red spiral what-the-fuck."

ON THE LIKELIHOOD OF WIPING HIS BUTT WITH A PINECONE DURING A CAMPING TRIP: "4 to 6 chances."

ON THE TRUSTWORTHINESS OF CHIROPODISTS WHO MOVE YOUR APPOINTMENT AT THE LAST MINUTE: "The first time is forgivable. The second time is pushing it. The third, I think we need to discuss why you're avoiding me. Is it because I caught wood and started moaning?"

ON APOLOGIZING TO CARLA: "I'm sorry, Carla."

ON THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S DISSOLVING OF PARLIAMENT LAST SUNDAY: "A brazen maneuver of a loophole by Stephen Harper to keep the outnumbered Conservatives in power."

ON HOTEL WAKE-UP CALLS: "They're always nicer when it's a human voice."

ON BISCOTTI: "The harder and more almond-filled, the better."

ON PSYCHOBILLY: "It's an under-appreciated genre of music. The energy, vitality, and sheer talent of many psychobilly bands is undercut by the novelty of their songs' subject matter. A shame, really."

ON MISPLACING HIS IPOD: "Piss fuckburger."

ON SUCKERPUNCHING FRED SAVAGE: "Cruel but understandable."

ON TAFFY PULLS: "Makes me sleepy."

ON WINNING A STEEPLECHASE: "I wouldn't know."

ON LOSING A STEEPLECHASE: "All that time invested for nothing. Makes me mad."

ON PEOPLE THAT BLOW THEIR NOSE WITH THEIR HAND IN THE PARK: "Gross."

ON STACKING TOWELS IN THE CLOSET LIKE CURLED UP CORDS OF WOOD: "I'm all for it."

ON THE POSSIBILITY OF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK: "I've stockpiled plenty of dick, so I'm ready for anything."

(pictured above, no wonder Toucan Cleric's Fun attracts roaches the size of rollerblades)