Some More New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

Here are a few featured documentaries that you can now stream on the Documentaries Channel. This is so exciting that someone should make a documentary of it:

• Garlicish: Why Some Things That Aren't Garlic Smell Like Garlic

• Heeeey, We Want Some 2 Live Crew Documentary!

• Not Speaking To You: The Silent Weapon Girlfriends Use

• The History of Pliers: Ancient Times to the 1970s

• A Terrible Industrial Training Video With Narration To Look Like a Documentary

• The Austrian Politics of Geese Husbandry

• Guys Who Almost Played in U2 But Got a Pretty Good Paying Job at the Time

• I HATE YOU: Toddlers Sound Off

• Women! (either the empowering rights documentary or the misogynistic one that complains about them)

EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Early Pre-Fall Edition

Salmon usually swims upstream. Not this fellow, complete with a blue Oxford and a matching 60s flight attendant handbag. You go, boy!

You too can wear a too-young-for-you backup dancer/caballero outfit, perfect for road rage incidents, even when you're not driving!

The top says "flamenco dancing" but the bottom says "hay ride."

When the weather has gotten cooler but the office AC is still on 68º, throw on the Executive Conference Blanket, available in rust brown or brown rust.

I don't understand how someone could want miniature angel wings over part of their back. Because their left shoulder blade is more holy? Template fail.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 16

The following nontrending hashtags have NOT gone viral, have NOT been flooding Twitter's servers and have NOT been "a part of the conversation." So do with them what you will:

#pubestyling

#theevergladesareracist

#myidioticopinion

#decepticonbirthcontrol

#greenturdcenterpiece

#ruthbaderginsbergturnt

#‡‡°fifl›fi‹ŒÍ◊ı˜˜.¯¨˙∂°·‚‚‚ÒÔ˝

#tacobellweddingreception

#bieberforgiven

#EADJpulitzer

#jobinterviewpeedot

Further Infection

As reported before, more and more cases of the walking dead have been reported throughout the region. Just today in Millburn, NJ, a disturbing incident of juvenile zombie-ism was spotted.

Hide your daughters. Or if they're infected, behead them.

New Segment: EADJ Song Hate

Every once in a while, EADJ will "retire" a song in radio circulation (or just in existence) that we've had quite enough of, thank you. Today we hate the song "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp.


Hey, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp, you're a shit song, okay? You're positively terrible.

For one, you have this overlong, masturbatory overture with both organ and electric guitar intros that sound like background music for a Stetson cologne commercial from the 80's. Pretty much a musical mullet. And that motherfucker runs for a whopping 2 minutes and 9 seconds before it stops, THEN starts again! Only at the 2:30 mark do we ever start hearing lyrics. And that's when you really start sucking:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!

Bitch, please. That's the payoff after repeating the first line three times? You totally made that "oh- hey uh, what, uh, hit the highway!" bit on the spot! That is TERRIBLE, dude. And it doesn't get much better when it's not the annoying chorus:

Well, I've been walking the streets in the evenin'
Racin' through the human jungle at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey - I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light?

Electricity runs thru the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all them stonies are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world callin' me up free tonight on the phone

No words. That is some pretty bad writing- "racin' through the human jungle" and rhyming "night" with "light" and "home" with "phone." And I guess since John Cougar Mellencamp wears jeans all the time, all his verbs can't have a "g" at the end, so he's "walkin'" or "sittin'" or "totally suckin' a donkey dick with his god-awful lyric writin'."

The truth is, he sings "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy" only about a dozen times, but the song is so poorly conceived with such an annoying chorus that it seems like he repeats it in the hundreds.

So today we retire you from classic rock stations, Camaro tape decks blaring in high school parking lots and whiskey roadhouse jukeboxes, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp. Have fun on the golf course! Don't let the door hit you on the ass as you uh-hmm-hey, who-uhh hey, hit the highway.


To purchase "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp from iTunes– though I have no idea why you would ever want to do that– click here.

***Update: I just noticed on iTunes that John Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Oh, fuck off.

Judgment Day.

Larry K judged the Rolly Wrap contest at 4pm yesterday. He evaluated the entries not just on accuracy as was originally planned but on artistic merit and overall presentation.


Entry 1 by Joanne
"Close," Larry commented, "Everyone assumes that spiral." But the process of making a Rolly Wrap, Larry says, involves a little more.



Entry 2 by Brynn
Entry 2 was also close on accuracy but Larry pointed out that a Rolly Wrap is "not open on the ends." He described the bread as not starting out as a wrap, but like pizza dough that they pinch off at the ends ("like a toffee") and then bake, so that it's entirely enclosed. Still, this entry had the "best accuracy for how they make it."


Entry 3 by Tom
"Tortured." Larry K noted how the artist's anger towards a client had the Verizon Test Man inside the wrap, which was one thing, but the toothpick was "gratuitously violent."



Entry 4 by Mike Gambino
"A little ostentatious." Larry likened this entry to a kid he knew in school who could draw a little too well, being courted at 16 to draw Marvel Comics after graduation. He did, however, like the aesthetic choice to go retro with the roller skate instead of a rollerblade.

Entry 5 by Kat
This one surprised Larry. He actually thought this was from a writer because of its crudeness and being the most "3-year old."

Entry 6 by Bowen
"Avant Garde. But just feels so incredibly wrong."
Larry commends the artist for going different ("I appreciate Warholian anarchy") but he couldn't get behind it.

So overall, Larry called the entire contest "an unmitigated failure across the board," but forced to decide, he went with entry #2 for being "closest to how it's actually made." So congratulations, Brynn, come claim your free Rolly Wrap gift bag whenever.

Shit, Maybe It's a Cultural Thing.

You might remember a January entry where a restaurant put an ad for mofongo in a picture frame in the toilet. So I found another bathroom in Brooklyn where they put regular signage and an ad for food in a classy frame.



I really don't get it. Unless I ran into the can before even sitting down at a table, I'm pretty sure I would've ordered already, so I don't need to consider the "Three Course Prix Fixe Dinner For $23.00" at this juncture. That's just a bad media buy. I just want to wash the pee off my fingers, please.

And yes, I peed with the seat down. I'm a bad person.

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)

A side of Tianna you never knew.

Few people know this, but Tianna used to be a State District Judge in Harris County in Houston, TX.

Back in 2005, it was she who reduced mountains of paper documents in the courtroom's docket by converting everything to digital. This decision came after Tianna found that scrolling through thousands of legal documents cut down on her ability to lick her extremely fluffy paws. Since then, the civil courts building has freed up over 40,000 square feet of storage space, allowing all new gardens of baby carrots and green sprouts to be planted there.

Tianna calmed critics by saying that judges won't have to work with digital documents if they aren't comfortable with the technology and that some paper documents will still be needed in most cases. She also snuffled and scratched her wiggly nose with her back paw before slamming the gavel at the bench.