New EADJ Segment: DoorDash Photography Critique!

This new segment will offer a balanced critique of Doordash (and sometimes Amazon) delivery photography, examining the composition, lighting and overall aesthetic beauty of their shots. Three factors that will be at the center of each critique are intent, skill, and consistency. Let's begin:

"Dunkin Donuts" by Miguel from DoorDash

It's pretty apparent that Miguel has a good eye for composition. He clearly understands the Rule of 3s, allowing the neatly stacked Dunkin bag to take up a good third of the horizontal space. And whether by luck or design, Miguel has allowed the dappled light of sunrise through the tree leaves to enhance the dimensionality of the bag, casting a stark shadow against the wall that echoes the shape of the mailbox. Exquisite!

A random detail: The initials "WCM" appear to be spelt in the leaf shadows at the bottom. A mystery!

Overall grade: A-

Although Miguel didn't incorporate the theme of donuts in his photo, the overall effect is truly artistic and worthy of prominent wall space in the DoorDash Gallery in Washington, DC.

The Very Absolutely Definitively Definitely Worst Of Kidz Bop Cover Songs

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (ft. Wanz)

The cringeworthy joyful rapping. The lyric "Damn, that's a old ass honky" replaced with "that guy on the marquee." This is fucking awful.




"My Immortal" by Evanescence

For once, they didn't autotune the lead singer, which turns out to be a BAD THING. This insincere goth ballad from 2000 gets a much-needed dose of serious Kidz brand SUNSHINE! Strangely, the lyric "these wounds won't seem to heal" sounds more authentic coming from tweens than from Evanescence singer Amy Lee. Weird.




"Party Like A Rockstar" by Shop Boyz

"Whoo!" "Oh!" "Totally dude!" "Yeaaaaahhhh" This is so painful I can't even write it up.




"Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Take shit. Mix it with shit, and blend it with shit. Then shit it all out through a shit filter. Voila, this!




"Float On" by Modest Mouse

Hey, take an overplayed indie hit and replace the vocals with Kidz! Do you like it now? Yes? Oh, fuck you.





"MMMBop" by Hanson

This kid-vocaled sunshiny cover of an already kid-vocaled sunshiny hit has created a kid-vocaled sunshiny vortex of light matter that will soon destroy the entire universe with doo-wops and handclaps. We as a civilization never had a chance.

Door Organizer Was Skeptical.

Door Organizer was skeptical.

So were Two Hand Towels On The Oven.

Lightbulb Packs couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Combination De-Icer/Scraper just got back from Monsters University.

Coffee Machine at Dunkin Donuts shed a red tear.

Building on 44th Street just winked and smiled.

An Imagined Conversation Monologue

Hey what you want. Egg and bacon sandwich? Okay, here. Three dollar.

Okay, you. What you want. Coffee and muffin? Here. Two fifty. Cream and sugar over there.

Hey what you want. Bagel? We got plain, sesame, garlic, jalapeño-cheddar, onion, everything, cinnamon raisin, chocolate chip, poppy, blueberry, egg, salt, pumpernickel, whole wheat, cheddar, multi-grain, rye, honey whole-wheat everything. Onion bagel? Okay.

What you want on your onion bagel. Cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Oh, you want it toasted? Okay (removes cream cheese). Okay, it's toasted. You want cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, lox and honey almond.

No, lox is not the cream cheese flavor. Lox is lox. You want cream cheese and lox? What flavor cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Okay, toasted onion bagel with vegetable cream cheese and lox. Three dollar.

What? You want six more bagels? Ah, fuck this shit. NO MORE BAGELS.

Meanwhilst At Pathmarkst,

a.k.a., the Stockboy Hall of Shame. And actually, this time it isn't Pathmark- it's Target. And it's quite the Easter Egg hunt!


















And here's what you get when you put a Dunkin Donuts inside a Home Depot:

Goddammit

Let's suppose for a second that every time you said "Goddammit," that God would literally damn the thing to Hell that you just cursed. Here now is a short (and incomplete) list of things that He would now have damned for eternity:

• 4,893 bottles of Purell that didn't dispense properly
• 7,355,281,722 screen doors
• 89,477,162,976,933,800,323,713 barking dogs
• The Wall Street Journal
• the stop sign on the northeast corner of 510 N Oak Street, Searcy, Arkansas
• this blog
• Perry Ferrell
• 92 Dunkin Donuts stores
• 4,177 Dunkin Donuts employees
• taffeta fabric
• Phish
• 8,184,302,899 shelving units
• Ralph Nader
• the word "crevasse"
• 93,017,843,822,840,398,541,275,362,707,398,886,224 nails that didn't get hammered straight into a board
• Internet Explorer
• people who don't like the latest season of "The Simpsons"
• the shift button on 6,922,479 computer keyboards
• that Details photoshoot where Alex Rodriguez made like he was kissing himself
• The steps of the Statue of Liberty
• YOU

I Know That I've Said Many Times That I Would Retire This Bit, But You Know What? Fuck It.

Burned By Dunkin Donuts AGAIN.

Some of you readers might remember an earlier entry (remember, who am I kidding?) where the wife and I had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and got burned by their shitty service/food. Well, I got burned by their advertising this time and got a belly full o' nuthin out of it.


Saturday morning, I ordered one of their "Wake-Up Wraps," because I wanted to wake up and eat something as close to a Meximelt as possible. "One o' them Wake-Up Wraps, please!" So ten minutes later, the English-as-a-second-language student brought out what looked like an empty tray. But it wasn't.





I know I mumbled something about never eating there again, but both J'Net and I know that's not the case; it's the only place to eat breakfast before the on-ramp to 278 West to Jersey. So for now I pound my fist at you, Dunkin Donuts! Till we meet again, my breakfast chain nemesis!

Nice.

(Pictured above, proof that Dunkin Donuts doesn't care)

Unmitigated Failure

I spotted this earlier today. Fancy that.

RELATED UPDATE: In a creative meeting, I stood between Brynn & Larry K. I congratulated Brynn for winning and she said, "Thanks." Then the CD overheard and asked, "What'd you win?" And Brynn and Larry K muttered, "Rolly Wrap." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Junk 'n Donuts

On a dare from a reader, I agreed to order from that little cart near work that stores donuts at cock-level. If that makes you question this writer's maturity, maybe you shouldn't be reading a blog named "Eat A Dick Joel," smartypants.




Overall, not a harrowing experience, but not a pleasant one either. But at $1 a donut, it's way, way cheaper than ever ordering from that place across the street, Pret A Manger. *shudder*

Is that a Joel in your pocket, or are you just happy to eat dick?

Joel has always been a big proponent of dick-eating. But not everyone is as fortunate as Joel.

In some impoverished parts of the country, there are people who eat only 2 or 3 dicks A MONTH. That amounts to fewer than 30 dicks a year, which is far below the dickpoverty line. Joel has started a grassroots community outreach program called Joel's Seriously Huge Dick In Po' Folks' Unwashed Mouths For Charity Foundation in his hometown Los Angeles. Since its inception in 2002, over four dozen outreach centers have blossomed into full campuses with working toilets and dick cafeterias. Joel's proud, smug grin beams from huge billboards across the street from these centers, proclaiming "If You Broke, You Gonna Still Eat Dick, Y' Herre?" And while many of these centers have closed due to asbestos or goat infestations, Joel has remained a symbol of putting dick on poor families' tables.

(pictured above, a rare and beautiful thing: Pro-establishment vandalism)