Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of November 7

 

Hi everyone. Management has asked me to remind you all that timesheets are due by 5pm today, with no exceptions. That deadline is firm, and I will not be accepting late timesheets as I have a softball game at 5:30 in Saugatuck and I cannot be late for that again. For those of you who do not have job numbers yet, here are the latest open project numbers for your forms:

81723 - Fully supporting what's just been said

01154 - Feeling euphoria at the last Powerpoint slide that says "THANK YOU"

58650 - Giving credit to someone before they have a chance to steal it

51449 - Announcing a hard stop at 5pm because of a softball game in Saugatuck

88381 - Using your Belk card

The Latest Funded Kickstarter Projects

Crowdsourcing site Kickstarter has announced their latest successfully funded projects. Here are the products and projects that got the green light:

• noiseless flip flops that ultimately are no fun now

• miniature baby leopards that are like regular baby leopards in every way except that they're incredibly racist against the Dutch

• a squeezable dictionary that really doesn't want you to squeeze it

• whimsical fake mustaches that hide your very real canker sores

• STAB-SAVR: a handy budgeting app that saves you cents on the dollar every time you stab someone

Come On Down and Say Goodbye To Some Stuff Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Is that Daredevil?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! *Kiss*

A Very Philosphical Voicemail I Got The Other Day

Do you exist, Vanessa?

If Vanessa does exist, she gave this guy the wrong number. And probably for good reason. Not a lot of good guys in Mamaroneck, NY.

An Imagined Conversation

"Randall has volunteered to accompany you to the sales meeting because Randall has experience with that region. Randall grew up in that area and Randall is very familiar with that market, particularly since all of Randall's family and Randall's friends still live there. In fact, Randall would like to show you Randall's favorite diner, recently opened by Randall's 4th grade teacher. Randall says Randall's favorite dish there is Cinnamon Pear Pie, a recipe that Randall insists is very similar to the recipe that Randall's mom used to bake. Randall has shown that Randall can handle both Randall's sales items and any additional ones, so I'm letting Randall come along with you so Randall can prove Randall's-self. Thanks."

Happy Halloween From EADJ

 EADJ hopes you have a fun and safe Halloween.

• ask a parent to check all apples for razor blades BEFORE throwing them at the house that gave you fruit for Trick or Treat

• check all furry costumes for ticks afterwards

• any candy corn that gets stuck in someone's nostril is par for the course with this family

• if Three Musketeers bars start tasting good to you, that's only because your tastes have gotten worse

• Guess what I'm dressed as. Guess. No, not that. Guess again.

• drive drunk safely since there are kids on the streets tonight

Spotted on Facebook

This ad for a keychain or ornament or something:

What looks like an unremarkable AI recreation of the Spider-Man/Mary Jane kiss from the 2002 movie at first becomes way more inappropriate if you look closer:

All I can say is, Ew.

 

UAG

"A Blessing of Luck Is Life's Sweetest Pathmark."

Whitney Houston's Fictional Husband Greg Finally Responds To Her Lyrics from "The Greatest Love Of All"

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
how them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Wait. You're leaving? When were you going to tell me?! I know we've had some rough patches lately, but you've gone and just abandoned me with the kids all by myself? And when I have that IT conference in Dallas next month? Goddammit.

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

Well, our kids need someone to look up to, but I guess it's not going to be their gallivanting mother. Who's going to take Vanessa to softball now when I'm working late? Christ, this is all I need right now, with the merger and upcoming layoffs. I wish you just had an affair like normal people. 

I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

No one can take away your dignity. Well, that's just great. Meanwhile the bank is eventually going to take away our house since we have only one income from now on. This is really inconvenient, Whit.

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

Oh I see. You've stopped taking your meds, right?

An Observation About a Local Church Bulletin

I looked in my church bulletin and have played enough Mortal Kombat to know that I'd have to beat the Catechetical Leader, the Bookkeeper, and both Permanent Deacons before I could defeat the Very Reverend Pastor/Prince Goro.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"¿Qué paso mi branto?"

"I don't think I'll go on a date with him again. He was so handsy."

"If he becomes a Smosh necessarily before something else happens, we'd use the future anterior or future perfect tense: He will have been a Smosh by the time they became assistant coaches."

"Good morning, Satan."

"Good morning, girls. Today's lesson is about payday loans and pharmaceutical companies."

"I could go for either French or Chinese for dinner."

A Friendly Note From Those Creepy Neighbors That Want To Have A Threesome With You

Hi neighbor! We're back from our fabulous trip to the Maldives. Thanks for collecting our mail for us.

We brought you a souvenir from our exclusive water villa: the resort we stayed at had these free tiny bottles of body lotion on the bedstand. It smells of coconut and aloe, and we both thought of you!

But seriously, the Maldives are absolutely breathtaking. When we weren't making love on the dock or furiously manipulating each others' genitals by the pool, we took in the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and just relaxed. We truly wish you were with us. Maybe next time!

Feel free to come by the house sometime so we can show you all the incredible photos we took on our phones. We might even show you some of the racy movies we recorded of each other (wink wink)! Maybe you can be our next cameraman (or subject)!

Best,

Walter and Josannah

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Prepackaged Salad

A salad kit from the supermarket is a well-intentioned but challenging way to eat healthy. Why? Because despite all the toppings and extras, it is ultimately just a bowl of bland lettuce. Here now is the optimal way to enjoy one of these prepackaged salads to the fullest: 

1) Set out all the ingredients of the salad kit. Make a quick inventory of all the packets of crunchies and dressing. Bring your own extra bottle of dressing if possible.

2) Before mixing, remember that you do not have to mix all of the ingredients at once. Set aside some of the toppings for halfway through your meal.

3) Now halfway through your salad, add the remaining packets of whatever to "spice" up the rest of your lettuce. Soon, you've successfully completed a prepackaged salad!

And speaking of prepackaged, when hiring my limousine, don't assume that everything is included in a typical rental. I charge extra for any champagne consumed or glassware that's broken. Be safe, kids!

Upcoming Feature Films Based On the Names of Cake Decorations Offered by Cold Stone Creamery

Hollywood is plum out of ideas, so it was only a matter of time till the major studios went to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery to find movie ideas within the cake decorating catalog there. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't look there sooner. Here now are the latest greenlit projects announced by the big 5:

"Ahead of the Curve" starring Jake Johnson, Lili Reinhart, Samantha Mumba and Keke Palmer

An A+ student from the city (Palmer) is accepted into a prestigious but mostly white university where she has to overcome prejudice and racism to maintain an A average and hang out with her new bestie roommate (Reinhard). Starring Johnson and Mumba as her stern but understanding professors. Also starring Seth Rogan as the stoner dean.

"Crown & Scepter" starring Timothée Chalamet, Milly Alcock, and Liam Neeson.

This alternative history reimagines the Arthurian legends if everyone had cell phones and access to social media. King and Influencer Arthur (Chalamet) attempts to expand his follower base with silly TikTok dances and Excalibur prank videos. Featuring Neeson as Podcaster Merlin.  

"We're On Our Way!" Directed by Brad Bird. Featuring the voices of Keith David, David Keith, Mariska Hargitay and Jay Baruchel

Four migrating cranes get lost in an under construction water park and have to use their smarts and skills as a team to find their way out. Also starring Kelly Reilly as the exhausted but determined security officer.

"Enchanting Unicorn" starring Dave Franco, Ayo Edebiri, and Chloe Fineman. Directed by Taika Waititi.

A strange tanker carrying experimental psychedlic drugs crashes into a community craft fair, causing all the participants to slowly trip the fuck out as they make their crafts. Featuring a soundtrack by Goose, Turnstile and Umphrey's McGee

"Pink Baby Booties" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

A high school senior (Cooke) discovers she's pregnant, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to cover up her bump until graduation. Using A.I., Instagram filters and hologram technology, they'll try to keep her pregnancy a secret! Also featuring Druski as the suspecting principal.

"Special Delivery Stork" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

In the sequel to "Pink Baby Booties", Olivia Cooke's high schooler gives birth at the graduation ceremony, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to distract everyone from noticing. Featuring Druski as the very suspicious principal that no one believes.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Edition

"Zitty" Yum.

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

"Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

That's total bullshit, but being an AMC Stubs member does make heartbreak a little easier to bear, thanks to the latest perks and bonuses such a membership can get you. Check it out:

• You can sleep in our projection room with your friends and survive a catostrophic comet extinction because of the lead-lined walls

• Free Jujubes if you can find them

• AMC Stubs members can drive drunk in our parking lot (we are NOT responsible for DUIs off of theatre property)

• You can use the exclusive SKIP button that appears on all movie trailers

• 3D movies will have a 45% less chance of sexually assaulting you

• Members can watch up to 4 movies a week, for free! Who needs a life?

• Free lasik surgery for anyone who forgot their glasses

A Brief Rant About Spoons

 I went to IKEA the other day to get some extra silverware for the kitchen, and little did I realize that companies were still trying to redesign the shape of spoons.

With just slight tweaks here and there, silverware designers are attempting to overhaul the centuries-old implements we've been using since before agrarianism or even the first episode of "The Simpsons".

Needless to say, all this effort is for naught, because there's always something off about these new designs:

Design Name: TÅNGMÄRLA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's take the reliable shape of the spoon but make it squarer so it surprises the mouth!"

The Result: The spoon clangs around the mouth like a sectional maneuvering inside a tiny foyer.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "If you don't give me some tang, Marla, I'm going to buy you these wildly impractical spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: ÄTBART

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I am inspired by the shape of a carrot. Let's make the tip pointier!"

The Result: Giving a child cough medicine becomes more dangerous with a spear-tip heading for their precious face.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Don't throw these spoons at Bart or you'll stab him in his yellow head."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: FRÖJDA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's make the spoon WIDER with SHARP corners!"

The Result: Everyone but Kermit the Frog will have the corners of their mouth scraped with jagged metal when using these.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Sigmund Freud, a neurologist, suggests your oral fixation made you buy these terrible spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: MOPSIG

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I dunno, a reverse teardrop shape?"

The Result: Although the most usable of these IKEA designs, the design allows for the spoon to hold less chili/Cinnamon Toast Crunch/cole slaw, which overall is a minus.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Grab that mop, Sigmund Freud, and help me clean up this spilled food that fell out of these inadequate spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: LÖFTESRIK

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Round round round! On a stick!"

The Result: Too wide to fit in your mouth comfortably. To delicate at the neck to hold anything of weight. Looks fancy but is impractical. Like an art student project.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "I löft as Rick tried to eat with his overdesigned spoons."

Overall Grade: F

"Where We Love is Home – Home That Our Feet May Leave, But Not Our Pathmark."