Happy Halloween From EADJ

 EADJ hopes you have a fun and safe Halloween.

• ask a parent to check all apples for razor blades BEFORE throwing them at the house that gave you fruit for Trick or Treat

• check all furry costumes for ticks afterwards

• any candy corn that gets stuck in someone's nostril is par for the course with this family

• if Three Musketeers bars start tasting good to you, that's only because your tastes have gotten worse

• Guess what I'm dressed as. Guess. No, not that. Guess again.

• drive drunk safely since there are kids on the streets tonight

Happy Halloween 2024 From Eat A Dick Joel!

Have fun! Don't overeat your candy, and drive carefully, because there are kids in the streets wearing dark colors with their vision impaired by masks with small eyeholes!

Happy Halloween From All of Us at EADJ

We hope you have a great time taking your smaller kids trick or treating at 2pm when it's still light out and another great time giving candy out to teenagers from one town over trick or treating without costumes at 1am.

Accidental Exquisite Corpse

Spotted on FB:

EADJ Wishes You A Happy Halloween!

We at the offices of Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you a spooky and safe Halloween today. Please look for traffic on both sides before crossing the street, and whatever you do, AVOID 158 OAK STREET. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED 5 YEARS AGO AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR STOMACH PUMPED LIKE THAT AGAIN. Be careful!

Happy All Hallows Eve From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ wish you the Happiest of Halloweens, hoping you get all full-sized, brand name candy bars and zero grandma candy. Be safe out there, children!

Happy Halloween from Eat A Dick Joel

We hope everyone has a spooky and safe Halloween filled with frights, candy and Party City returns.

UAG

UAG

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Painted Pumpkins

Hey, painted pumpkins. Fuck you.

You readymade, unimpressive crafts for the lazy or unskilled. Why carve a pumpkin the old fashioned way, when you can just whip out your acrylics and paint what you couldn't use a simple butter knife to render?

Okay, maybe I can see this as a "safe" pumpkin carving alternative for toddlers and whatnot. But with those new, dulled idiot-proof pumpkin carving kits everywhere,  you'd be hard pressed to somehow cut open an artery unless you were really aiming for one.

Let's face it. Carved pumpkins are infinitely cooler (and more fun to smash by neighborhood kids) than a pumpkin whose insides have never been exposed. Painting a pumpkin is one step away from just giving up on Halloween and leaving your porch light off. Next year, why even bother?

Now, if you see a friend or relative set out a pumpkin and start painting that thing in front of you, show them this essay, and why they're reading this and not looking, plunge a machete into their pumpkin and start the irreversible process of gutting that motherfucker for a real jack o' lantern. They will be left no choice but to see how much better carving really is once they've stopped screaming.

Happy Halloween From EADJ!

"It's Halloween, everyone!" said Standpipe.


Boom Box On TV was SO PSYCHED!


Bike Lanes were glad.


And Frying Pan was so excited!


Building hated Halloween, so he just ignored it.


High Chair wasn't really into it, either. But whatever.


Neither Door Attachment nor Porch Board were ready for it this year.


Smokestack and Bridge got into the Halloween spirit and helped decorate. They put up...


...a Jack-O-Lantern and...


...two skeletons.


Corner was mildly encouraged by the turnout.


And the costume contest began:


Speaker came as a generic ghost.


Surround Sound Box dressed like a Minion from "Despicable Me."


Garbage Truck came as a catfish.


Rice Cooker had on a great gorilla costume.


Both Recycling Bins and Egg Carton showed up as Ninja Turtles.


18 Wheeler dressed as Frylock from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."


Dashboard came as a convincing angry robot.


Ionic Breeze dressed like Ghost Face from the "Scream" movies.


Designer Chair dressed up as Mr. Mouth, but he kept getting "H.R. Pufnstuf."


60 Year Old Birthday Cake dressed as Cookie Monster.


Train Bathroom Door showed up as an angry Italian giving the finger, but nobody got it.


Escalator Partition dressed as John Goodman.


Dunkin Donuts Rug forgot to show up in costume and felt like an asshole.


Dog Dish showed up in a bad Skeletor costume.


But Stained Glass Window won the prize for their "Grinning Kermit" costume.


Purse went out for a smoke.


Bank Waiting Area was glad to meet so many new people.


Subway Tool Storage Box stood against the wall and kept to himself.


Oven said they didn't get enough candy.


But Water Cooler didn't get any candy.


And as always, Fountain drank too much and got sloppy.


Train Car Lock took too much ecstasy and had to lie down.


iPhone Case wondered who was going to pay for all of this.


Cardboard Box and Broken Hinge both got lost and missed the party entirely.


Cheap Ikea Chair just smiled and enjoyed another successful party.


Sun Roof Attachment was still scared and refused to come down.


Large Capacity Tub said, "Yay! Let's do this again next year!"

Editor's Note: Thanks to Andrew Gall and Emily Kane for their contributions to this.