Spotted on Facebook

This ad for a keychain or ornament or something:

What looks like an unremarkable AI recreation of the Spider-Man/Mary Jane kiss from the 2002 movie at first becomes way more inappropriate if you look closer:

All I can say is, Ew.

 

Truck Bed Felt Goofy

Truck Bed felt goofy.

Hair Band and Pebbles laughed it off.

Basketball Hoop was furious about it.

Monitors and Mural was fearful about it.

Twigs on the Sidewalk felt deeply satisfied.

Fringe Backdrop

My First Reaction Upon Seeing This Temu Ad:

2021's Least Used Hashtags

We all know Twitter is a den of wannabes and haters, posting pointless high school gossip bullshit but with grown ups and at an international level, Here are the hashtags that they used THE LEAST last year:

#Tucker

#WalkerHayesGrammy

#bringbackWynonnaEarp

#Teslatruckpussymagnet

#CriticalRaceTheorycoloringbooks

#shouldIsellmyGameStopstockyet?

#thispandemicmademeabetterperson

#IwasattheCapitalriotandI'mnotashamedtosayit

UAG

UAG

Face It, Tiger, You Hit The Pathmark

UAG

Your Timesheets For This Week

TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE

FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WASSUP BITCHES

TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

UAG

UAG

Dis Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Remember wealthy freegans: remove your fine mink coat before dumpster diving for cantaloupe rinds and celery stalks.

After making it big, Joe Ryan forgot that the check cashing place in his home town didn't offer valet parking.

Do not attempt to shoot at the giant ghostly,blue-lightning-spouting heads floating above Brooklyn. They are apparently protected by invisible bulletproof glass.

Speaking of floating heads...

Not all men wearing sunglasses are stroking their chins.

And not all men with backwards hats are stroking their chins.

But only ONE MAN stroking his chin doesn't have sunglasses and is wearing a backwards hat!

Perfect. No change necessary.

"Okay, this loft space has potential but is simply lacks light and practial flow. So what we're going to do here is knock out that east wall. This will open up this entire space and still leave the north wall with plenty of storage and shelving. Don't worry- that wasn't a load-bearing wall. Remember, this was converted warehouse space! See, now isn't this much better? This has been Shell's Creative Spaces, brought to you by HGTV and Alberta Television!"

Probably one thing you don't want to affiliate yourself with is Mel Gibson.

That means you too, Prodigy.

Throw up all the catchers signals you want, but when you're stuck in a hot tub with the moon, hardly anyone will want to help you out.

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

An Open Letter To "That Guy" On the Subway

Dude,

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you SO tired from shopping at the M&M Store that you just have to lean your whole body on the pole? Now the rest of us standing on the train have to "surf" when the train moves or have to put our hands against the ceiling like goddam Spider-Man because your indolent ass thinks you found a "seat."

And as if that pole isn't dirty enough, you have to fit it between your butt cheeks, too? Some midget's hands are going to smell like your asshole now. Think about that.

Fuck your mother!

EADJ

Horrible.

Pictured above, someone in New York questions the Dog Whisper Cesar Millan's sexual preferences.

Gee, You Shouldn't Have.

Pictured above, the perfect Christmas gift for broke, uncaring uncles to give their nephews.

How The Mighty Have Dafoe-llen

Picture above, two time Oscar nominee, Golden Globe nominee, and Chicago International Film Festival Award winner for Career Achievement Willem Dafoe gives the appropriate smile to three hours of telling fanboys that he didn't really steer the Green Goblin's glider because it doesn't actually exist.

The Concerned Hot Dog Vendor

Hello? Yes, I've been on hold for 10 minutes already. This is the AMC Loews Lincoln Square Theatre, yes? Good.

Yes, I have a question about a new release movie that I believe is playing at your theatre. It's called "Paranormal Activity." I've read in a few movie blogs that the movie is genuinely frightening, and I was calling to just clarify that if I see the movie, it won't give me a heart attack or nuthin'.

No, I don't have a history of heart problems, although I do serve a lot of food that could be considered high in fat. You know, sausage, hot dogs, beef patties... yes, I serve the beef patties with bread... sure, you can make a sandwich with it... But my question is whether I will die from watching this scary movie.

Well, you say that no one has died at your theatre yet, but it is a new release, so maybe the person who will die from watching that movie hasn't shown up yet. I'm just saying, statistically speaking, that if this movie is as scary as I've heard (and I've heard it's excellent; it scored an 86% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), then I possibly have reason to be concerned about cardiac arrest.

"Call my doctor?!" Look, I'm calling you! I don't have a lot of minutes on my cell phone plan, so I just need you to tell me what are the health dangers in seeing this movie, and if you validate parking. Also, do you let hot dog carts in the parking deck...hello? Hello?

A Dose of Randomness

Beth Stone called our attention to a Hallmark store on 40th and Madison that featured some pretty random shit. Like a giraffe playing keyboard (this is before that Samberg SNL skit aired) and a pumpkin wearing a shirt saying "bonjour."


This, however, was the coup de grace:



Like, what the fuck.