And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Prepackaged Salad

A salad kit from the supermarket is a well-intentioned but challenging way to eat healthy. Why? Because despite all the toppings and extras, it is ultimately just a bowl of bland lettuce. Here now is the optimal way to enjoy one of these prepackaged salads to the fullest: 

1) Set out all the ingredients of the salad kit. Make a quick inventory of all the packets of crunchies and dressing. Bring your own extra bottle of dressing if possible.

2) Before mixing, remember that you do not have to mix all of the ingredients at once. Set aside some of the toppings for halfway through your meal.

3) Now halfway through your salad, add the remaining packets of whatever to "spice" up the rest of your lettuce. Soon, you've successfully completed a prepackaged salad!

And speaking of prepackaged, when hiring my limousine, don't assume that everything is included in a typical rental. I charge extra for any champagne consumed or glassware that's broken. Be safe, kids!

Today I Try To Remember The Lyrics To Tag Team's "Whoomp! (There It Is)"

 As a mental exercise, I tried to write down from memory the lyrics to "Whoomp! (There It Is)" by Tag Team, released in 1993.

This is the best I could do:

Tag Team back again / Get the new Retsin, let’s begin

Party people in the house gonna make some noise / Gonna turn it all out, all you girls and boys

Gonna make you all dance, gonna make you all move / Gonna do it when the record hits into the groove

Then when it’s time and it starts to get busy

Whoomp, there it is

(Chorus)

Upside down and inside out / Gonna show you party people what it’s all about

Inside and and upside down / gonna bring the party to everyone in town 

Gonna do this old school / Cuz I’m an old fool, who’s so cool

And just when it’s time to get busy

Whoomp, there it is

(Chorus)

Here, you can check how well I did here:

Lineup Updates for VidCon 2024

VidCon, the "TED Talk for content creators", is almost here. And a ton of speakers have been added to the roster. Get your tickets soon to see these luminaries live:

• Trad wife / conservative activist Poodle McPickens will berate the crowd for being so diverse.

• Threads "comedian" Gil Sansome will crack wise about Roblox, V-bucks and life in general

• Andrew Tate will try to recruit new cam girls from the audience via his webcam from prison

• There will be a special screening of the historical documentary about the Cinnamon Challenge

• iPhone cinematographer Vazco Meridienne-Clothes will show all the new techniques he uses to film shitty camera angles that nobody will ever use in commercials

Latest Lineup Roster for VidCon US 2024!!!!!

Social media's biggest collection of influencers, vloggers and useless dipshits luminaries will grace the stage at VidCon US 2024 next month. Here are the latest appearances scheduled: 

• Jake Paul and Logan Paul will fight over the last Hot Pocket in the freezer

• Viral ukulele player Sondra Gash will play the entire catalog of Pink Floyd on the convention hall roof, rain or shine

• Liam Kyle Sullivan, the creator responsible for the 2006 viral video "Shoes", will celebrate his 80th birthday

• Virtual influencer "Skynet" will make a big announcement

• Manosphere podcasters Joe T & Buck will oil up and shave each other onstage to show how straight they are

• The Drake/Kendrick Lamar beef explodes when their respective caterers face off

• 4-hour "In Memoriam" montage for all the Instagrammers who died doing something stupid