Whitney Houston's Fictional Husband Greg Finally Responds To Her Lyrics from "The Greatest Love Of All"

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
how them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Wait. You're leaving? When were you going to tell me?! I know we've had some rough patches lately, but you've gone and just abandoned me with the kids all by myself? And when I have that IT conference in Dallas next month? Goddammit.

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

Well, our kids need someone to look up to, but I guess it's not going to be their gallivanting mother. Who's going to take Vanessa to softball now when I'm working late? Christ, this is all I need right now, with the merger and upcoming layoffs. I wish you just had an affair like normal people. 

I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

No one can take away your dignity. Well, that's just great. Meanwhile the bank is eventually going to take away our house since we have only one income from now on. This is really inconvenient, Whit.

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

Oh I see. You've stopped taking your meds, right?

I Apologize In Advance For This Post.

Spotted at a public building in Maplewood, NJ:

The phrase "Mechanical Penthouse" made me think of this:

 

The Saddest EADJ Off-Brand TP Roundup Ever.

Why sad? Because it's only one entry. The lockdown and the fact that we haven't found unique generic toilet paper to make fun of are major reasons for this situation. Oh well.

OFF BRAND TP: Mayfair

DESIGN CUES: An uninspired, limp swoosh that looks like it doesn't want to be there.

FEELS LIKE: Pulling a rusty cheese grater out of your anus

Hey, Bladder Medication Users!

Hello there! I just wanted to give a shout out to all bladder medication users. Not that I have anything to sell or promote to them (isn't it nice not to be advertised to for once?). And not that I myself am taking any medication for my bladder. I just wanted to say hello to all of you, a specific group of people for no reason. Wassup?

We actually don't have to talk about your respective bladders. Although I imagine since all of you have that in common, it would make for a pretty lively discussion, amirite? Ha ha. But yeah, sometimes it isn't a laughing matter and some bladder issues are pretty serious. Sometimes fatal. Okay, I'm sorry I brought it up.

So what are we left to talk about if not bladder medications or living with bladder issues? Certainly not politics, jeez. Stay far away from that minefield. 

Okay, good talk, bladder medication peeps. Catch you all on the flip side!

Another EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Lord. How many of these have we had? Don't answer that.

Brand: Rensow Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: Piss Yellow Label with Ugly Blue Swoosh

Brand Promise: A light swab at your nethers

Feels Like: Straddling a giant Q-Tip made of steel wool

Brand: Prime Select

Brand Imagery: A hurricane symbol?

Brand Promise: A swift, airy cleaning

Feels Like: Pointing a leaf blower at your anus

Brand: Classic

Brand Imagery: Pink abstract decorative swashes

Brand Promise: Softness and class

Feels Like: Wiping your asshole's tears at a rest stop 

Brand: Blank

Brand Imagery: None

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: A hostage exchange on paper

Brand: Genuine Joe

Brand Imagery: White stripes on a blue band

Brand Promise: Efficiency, and nothing more

Feels Like: Joe hates your ass

Forbidden Conversation Topics When You Go Pumpkin Picking

It's that time of the year again- to go with your loved ones to the local farm and pick out pumpkins for decoration or cooking. Of course, after you get there, it gets pretty boring in that field and you'll want to start a conversation. For when you do, here are some topics you SHOULD NOT bring up during your trip to that patch:

• Your 12 miscarriages

• How lazy black people are

• Your shitty podcast

• AIDS

• How iTunes ruined the music business

• The animation style of "Star Wars Rebels" vs. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

• Deadly vermin found in pumpkin patches

• The old horror movie "Basket Case"

• People you've murdered and buried in this pumpkin patch

• How lazy Mexicans are

• How your "gaydar" has improved lately

• Hey, remember Michele Bachmann?

• Why your penis curves

• Christmas