Kickstarter's Newest Crowdfunded Projects

Kickstarter has announced another round of projects on their website that have successfully met crowdfunded goals. Here are the latest greenlit offerings:

• A tape measure that second guesses itself

• A gas-powered label maker for people who want to label things but don't want it to be too convenient

• Gummi Pringles

• A Kerry Washington memorabilia container to hold all the Kerry Washington memorabilia you've collected over the last few Kerry Washington years

• Hypoallergenic makeup for your 7 year old beauty pageant contestant who is just not applying herself and is GOING TO FUCKING LOSE AGAIN THIS YEAR

• A cheaper, easier crowdfunding website that puts Kickstarter to shame! (Update: CANCELLED)

The Latest Kickstarter Projects That Failed To Get Funded

Sometimes crowdfund projects fail to make their goals. Here are the latest Kickstarter projects that succeeded in failing:

• Comically large gynecological speculum

• Popemobile truck nuts

• Home decor that says "LIVE LAUGH LUBRICATE"

• MONOPOLY, Bitcoin Version

• Powdered shampoo? Who knows.

• Little booties for newborn shrimp

• A special bumper sticker that only Cyclops from the X-Men can read that says "HONK IF YOU LOVE JEAN GREY"

If We Nominate Pathmark, We Will Get Destroyed.......And We Will Deserve It.

More Failed Crowdfund Projects

The following projects on Kickstarter recently failed to collect enough crowdfund money:

• an email bot that answers all your spam emails asking to learn more

• environmentally UNfriendly toilet paper made from styrofoam and pre-consumer materials

• a remote control that can summon "In Between" actor Kyle Allen

• a bird feeder that whispers your bank's ABA number to them

• plant-based leather assless chaps for your mother

• collaborative software that also bakes ziti

• a coin purse shaped like a turd. Wait, someone made that already?

• off-brand Sprite that isn't named Sprite for obvious reasons

• a fleshlight that gets clingy after you're done

Here Are The Latest Successfully Funded Kickstarter Projects

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of small businesses get off the ground through the magic of crowdfunding. Here now are the latest projects that have successfully received enough funding:

• Pogs made from Naan bread

• Feet for pajamas without feet so that they're pajamas with feet 

• Piñatas in the shape of those motherfuckers at "Shark Tank" that didn't fund your last business idea

• A women's magazine that's written in the voice of your last scuzzy boyfriend

• A radical drink holder for skateboarders

• A yoga book that shows people putting off yoga class for another week

• Sarcastic stop signs

Some Crowdfunded Projects That Just Got Greenlit

Thanks to suckers investors like you, Kickstarter has helped this entrepreneurs get these new projects off the ground and onto shelves:

• Dehydrated Cheez-Its: just add water!

• A mattress that jerks you off at different speeds. What's your sleep number?

• The Wheel™

• Laser bread slicer for geeks who don't care about the safety of their children

• Suffering-flavored Tang

• Miniature cabbage you can grow in your ear

• A high-end shoebox that can hold your high-end coupons for high-end groceries

• Another fucking device for you to keep up with

• Instagram filter that makes you look like you're not a shitty attention-seeking Instagrammer

The Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson?

Did you get them all right? I knew you would!

It's Time To Say Goodbye To More Crap That Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

UAG

Rule Of Thumb

When the only thing holding you back from drinking an actual bucket of Coke is the size of your car cupholders, you're drinking too much Coke, fat boy.