Hello, friend. I see you were excited to get your hands on a Red® brand Silky Satin Durag. So much so that you tore the package open in a parking lot just to slap that baby on before you did anything else. Well, bully for you! I'm glad you were so pumped about your new headgear. Some people are really into new shoes or a new pair of eyeglass frames. Durags must be your thing, amirite? Ha ha.
Enthusiasm aside, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that littering is a pretty inconsiderate thing to do. Once you opened your parcel, you just chucked the packaging on the pavement for someone else to clean up. It inconvenienced the clean up staff of the Indian restaurant and probably left a poor impression on patrons who saw the parking lot covered in litter. Next time, please THINK!
I get it. You put on the durag and suddenly fancied yourself some kind of badass, immune to rules of courtesy and propriety. What badass worries about the appearance of public spaces? Not you!
But do remember that the Indian restaurant does have security cameras in the parking lot. All they have to do is rewind footage to pinpoint where some skinny loser with an uncovered head suddenly transforms into a menacing thug in a durag and then they can contact the authorities. BE MINDFUL NEXT TIME!
What looks like an unremarkable AI recreation of the Spider-Man/Mary Jane kiss from the 2002 movie at first becomes way more inappropriate if you look closer:
Congratulations for joining the pornographic movie industry. Your references are impeccable!
Now that you're ready to film your first scene, you're going to need a porn nickname for the call sheet. May we suggest these available (but terrible) porn names? Good luck on set!
Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):
1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.
2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.
3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.
4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.
5)She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.
6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.
1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.
2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.
3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.
And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.
