Upcoming Feature Films Based On the Names of Cake Decorations Offered by Cold Stone Creamery

Hollywood is plum out of ideas, so it was only a matter of time till the major studios went to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery to find movie ideas within the cake decorating catalog there. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't look there sooner. Here now are the latest greenlit projects announced by the big 5:

"Ahead of the Curve" starring Jake Johnson, Lili Reinhart, Samantha Mumba and Keke Palmer

An A+ student from the city (Palmer) is accepted into a prestigious but mostly white university where she has to overcome prejudice and racism to maintain an A average and hang out with her new bestie roommate (Reinhard). Starring Johnson and Mumba as her stern but understanding professors. Also starring Seth Rogan as the stoner dean.

"Crown & Scepter" starring Timothée Chalamet, Milly Alcock, and Liam Neeson.

This alternative history reimagines the Arthurian legends if everyone had cell phones and access to social media. King and Influencer Arthur (Chalamet) attempts to expand his follower base with silly TikTok dances and Excalibur prank videos. Featuring Neeson as Podcaster Merlin.  

"We're On Our Way!" Directed by Brad Bird. Featuring the voices of Keith David, David Keith, Mariska Hargitay and Jay Baruchel

Four migrating cranes get lost in an under construction water park and have to use their smarts and skills as a team to find their way out. Also starring Kelly Reilly as the exhausted but determined security officer.

"Enchanting Unicorn" starring Dave Franco, Ayo Edebiri, and Chloe Fineman. Directed by Taika Waititi.

A strange tanker carrying experimental psychedlic drugs crashes into a community craft fair, causing all the participants to slowly trip the fuck out as they make their crafts. Featuring a soundtrack by Goose, Turnstile and Umphrey's McGee

"Pink Baby Booties" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

A high school senior (Cooke) discovers she's pregnant, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to cover up her bump until graduation. Using A.I., Instagram filters and hologram technology, they'll try to keep her pregnancy a secret! Also featuring Druski as the suspecting principal.

"Special Delivery Stork" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

In the sequel to "Pink Baby Booties", Olivia Cooke's high schooler gives birth at the graduation ceremony, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to distract everyone from noticing. Featuring Druski as the very suspicious principal that no one believes.

Upcoming Movies Based on the Denim Styles Poster at Old Navy

Hollywood's biggest studios have an IP problem. Every character, franchise and script has been scooped up and turned into either a blockbuster or a moderately popular Netflix show. So all original content is now desperately sought after by Sony, Paramount, Disney, and Universal. As a result, a bidding war has broken out over the latest hot property: the Denim poster at Old Navy.

Here now are the latest greenlit projects based on parts of this poster:

"OG Loose" is the story of two unemployed female rodeo workers in rural Iowa (Melissa Benoist and ZaweAshton) who discover an underground bunker full of fentanyl and decide to ride the cyclone to RICHES. Directed by Jon M. Chu. Also starring Haley Joel Osment as the crooked DEA agent pursuing them.

"Slouchy Straight" starring Dev Patel and Ryan Gosling

Two dumb slackers who just got out of prison meet a mysterious tech genius (David Hyde Pierce) who implants a "genius" microchip in their brains to help them become successful entrepreneurs. When they get too successful, their benefactor hits the "kill switch" and hilarity ensues.

"Barrel" directed by James Gunn

Pop singer Crate (Adria Arjona) cheats on her partner Barrel (Timothée Chalamet), and he decides to go solo in a different musical direction. Mixing dubstep with hip hop and traditional folk music, Barrel becomes the biggest star on NPR. He hits 16 trillion Spotify streams and earns a cool $400 from it!

Hollywood Studios Feeding Frenzy Over Hazardous Waste Social Post Photo

Republic Services posted a recruitment announcement on Facebook and since it strangely resembled a movie poster, 3 big Hollywood studios scrambled to option it into a working screenplay.

Here are their elevator pitches: 

SONY PICTURES: "Treatment & Disposal" starring Daniel Kaluuya

A bumbling environmental services worker finds a million dollars in a recycling bin and takes a fun road trip with his friends (Shameik Moore and Dylan Sprouse) to find its owner in Malibu. Also starring Parker Posey as "Momma".

PARAMOUNT: "Waste" starring Jaden Smith

After handling radioactive waste, Republic Services worker Gus (Smith) wakes up and finds that he's grown to be 200 ft tall. He uses his newfound celebrity and power to run for mayor of his small town. Starring John Lithgow as the current mayor (who forbids dancing).

A24: "WE'RE YOUR PARTNER" starring Stranger Things's Caleb McLaughlin

An unhappy Republic Services worker falls into the company's recycling machine and emerges a new person (Michael B. Jordan) with a new wife (Ariana DeBose). After settling into his new life, he realizes it's not so great and jumps into the recycling machine again. Third act played by Austin Butler.

Some Hollywood Movies Based On Strip Mall Store Names in Irvington, NJ

Hollywood studios are running out of ideas. So what do they do? They turn everywhere for script inspiration. This time from the sign of a strip mall in Irvington, NJ. We will highlight their newest greenlit projects based on these store names.

But first, let's eliminate all the stores that are already titles of movies. Supremo...

Blink...

Snipes (starring Nelly?!)...

and Metro...

Okay, now here are the latest movies in development based on that big dumb sign:

"Maple Spring Commons" starring Alexis Bledel, Fergie, Janelle Monae and Clancy Brown

Maple Spring Commons is a cozy Northeastern town, but Betsy (Bledel) can't wait to get out to see the rest of the world. When her father (Brown) falls ill, she takes over the family store with her friends (Fergie and Monae) and fights to keep it afloat. Also starring Zach Braff as her eventual love interest.

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"Leading Pharmacy" starring Austin Butler, Olivia Holt and Zendaya

An unprincipled drug dealer (Butler) is blackmailed by two high school students (Holt and Zendaya) to provide their upcoming house party with drugs, but he has other, more nefarious plans. Also starring Dan Aykroyd as somebody's dad?

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"Hunan Royal" starring Simu Liu, Dylan Wang, Gemma Chan and James Hong

This magnificent period drama takes place during the Qin Dynasty (221–206 BCE) with lots of exquisite costumes and sets and traditional music. No idea what it's about though, although Hunan refers to food. Also starring Dan Aykroyd as somebody's dad?

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"ALL ABOUT WIG 2" starring Jo Koy, Leslie Jones, Rupaul and Abby Elliott

This out of control comedy pits wig store owner Kendra (Jones) against her estranged sister Devon (Rupaul) who is trying to steal her business by opening a competing wig store ACROSS THE STREET. Can you believe that shit? Music by Chilli and T-Boz.

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop, PART TWO

In a stunning, unprecedented development, the big five studios are STILL claiming and developing movies based on the Wing Stop flavor menu from two days ago.

Here are the latest greenlit projects:

"KNOW THEM LOVE THEM" starring Julianne Moore, Letitia Wright and WWE wrestler Alexa Bliss

A retired teacher (Moore) moves to a small midwestern town, only to find that the women have been second class citizens since the 60s. She shows them through a spectacular PowerPoint deck how far the rest of the country has come. 

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"Atomic Cajun" (a combination of Atomic and Cajun) starring Zazie Beetz

From the director of "Bullet Train", Beetz plays an Acadian farmer who discovers nuclear waste in her end of the swamp. It transforms her into a super strong martial artist who can take revenge on the corporation that polluted her home. Also starring Zac Efron as CEO Gurney Tamblon.

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"Spicy Korean Q" starring John Cho, Lee Hung Si, and Sung Kang

A mysterious conspiracy website invites a gang of South Korean government agents to the U.S. to track down the real Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and Mothman, all government experiments gone wrong. But is the website just some kid in his basement? It's a conspiracy comedy in the vein of "Burn After Reading" and "The Men Who Stare At Goats". "Parasite" director Bong Joon-Ho has been attached.

Soundtrack by BTS, BLACKPINK, EXO, BIGBANG, and GOT7

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop (*WITH SPECIAL GUEST*)

It's no secret that Hollywood is all out of ideas. Scriptwriters are looking everywhere for some sort of property to turn into a hit movie. The biggest five studios—Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, Disney and Sony—have now looked to the flavor menu at Wing Stop for inspiration to their next box office hit.

Here are the movie projects that are already in development:

"Garlic Parmesan" by DreamWorks Animation

A grouchy sprig of Garlic (voiced by Ryan Gosling) trapped in a pizzeria learns the value of teamwork and community as he meets Pepperoni (Katt Williams), Mozzarella (Kristen Wiig), Mushrooms (Kevin Hart and Peter Dinklage) and the oftentimes unwelcome Pineapple (Dane Cook).

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"Mild" starring Alexandra Daddario, Anthony Mackie and Jesse Plemons

The spicy food craze comes to a halt when two food scientists (Daddario and Mackie) accidentally create an addictive new mild spice to add to everything from salads to short ribs. Plemons stars as the FDA agent hellbent on stopping them. A hilarious romp but also an important think-piece about addiction and responsible sourcing. Directed by Adam McKay

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"Mango Habanero" starring Diego Luna, Benjamin Bratt and Jamie Foxx

A high-stakes prisoner race across the Southwest U.S. where the winner earns their freedom and the losers get executed. Set in the NEAR FUTURE. Also starring Kate Mara as the evil warden.

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The following entry was guest written by ANDREW GALL:

"Louisiana Rub"

The "Louisiana Rub” is the story of local barkeep Marcus Reed (Daniel Kaluuya) and jazz singer Elise DuBois (Zoe Saldana), whose fiery performances at the jazz club are as spicy as the city’s cuisine. As passions and secrets blend, the two must navigate through personal and professional conflicts. Directed by Ava DuVernay.

Some Hollywood Movies Based On the Names of Racehorses in the Kingston Stakes

Hollywood is out of ideas. And the major studios are looking everywhere for source material for their next movie. Luckily, they found inspiration in the Kingston Stakes scoreboard and have announced movies that they have greenlit for the fall based on racehorses' names.

Here are the movies already in development:

"Lamb Cop" starring Jason Bateman and Jon Heder

A young cop from the city (Bateman) moves to a small town and deputizes a former freak show performer who is half man/half lamb (Heder). Together they solve a series of carnival-related murders and crimes. Executive produced by Tim Burton

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"STIPULATE" starring Alexander Skarsgård and Amandla Stenberg

This stalker horror movie pits a young lawyer (Stenberg) against a psycho client (Skarsgård) who wants her to take his murder case. Also starring Jean Smart and Stephen McKinley Henderson as the senior partners who insist she take the case.

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"Athenian Idol" starring Faizon Love, Simu Liu and Elias Koteas

A singing competition filming in Greece turns deadly when terrorists take over the arena. It is up to the show's three judges to find a way to take out the bad guys. Also starring Monique Lattimore as the harried producer.

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"I'm Driven" starring Carey Mulligan, Daniel Kaluuya, and Adam Driver

This spoof of racing dramas like Ferrari and Ford & Ferrari features three rival Grand Prix drivers who will lie, cheat and steal to win this year's race. Who will be the most ruthless to claim the trophy?

Hollywood Fun Fact

Fun fact: Legendary actor James Hong (known for his roles in Big Trouble In Little China, Mulan, and Everything, Everywhere, All At Once), once directed an X-rated comedy when he was young.

Promoted as "The first seX with Karate." The director included martial arts fight scenes to try and cash in on the kung fu craze at the time.

Introducing the Phantom Fireworks Cinematic Universe

A display case at Stop & Shop reveals that the Phantom Fireworks company is planning to roll out feature films based on their individual products.

 Here now are their upcoming HERO SERIES movie releases:

Static Bellectricity, starring Jessica Chastain

Chasten plays mild mannered Bella Brown, who discovers a magical medallion that unlocks the power to shoot electric blasts at people who tell her she can't achieve everything she sets her mind to.

Fearsome African-American, starring Keegan-Michael Key

Armed with a red spandex suit and a bold attitude, Fred Forpath transforms into FEARSOME AFRICAN-AMERICAN, who will INTIMIDATE his enemies into not making eye contact with him

Punching Down Man, starring Bill Maher

The legendary comedian plays Punching Down Man, a hero so out of touch with society norms that he thinks his doorman asking off for Ramadan is "too woke" and develops a stand-up routine/ramble mocking him.

The Sentient, starring Dave Bautista

Totally ripped and wearing a mask to hide his face, studio executives are eager to recast this role with a much cheaper actor when Bautista's contract runs out.

Captain Nuclear, starring Walton Goggins

This hero has the unfortunate ability to expose his team and everyone around him to deadly amounts of radiation, causing both his enemies and the people he loves to die of poisoning within months of exposure, while still tragically keeping him alive. He's the team captain.

 

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

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"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

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"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

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"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

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"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"This won't work out. We're not compatible. You're obviously USB-C while I'm USB-A!"

"What was it you said earlier, that this job would get off without a hitch? Well, Sarah, guess what this is. That's right. A HITCH! This job is definitely getting off WITH a hitch, Sarah! You hear me? I signed up for a HITCHLESS job and we now have ourselves a HITCHFUL job, Sarah!"

"Hello. My name is Andrew Tate."

"It's your turn to change him."

"Goddammit."

"This high up, you can't possibly expect there to be a working shower."

Hollywood Gives Up and Just Makes Movies Out of Products That Celebrities Are Currently Endorsing

The major studios have been out of original movie ideas for years. But only now have they figured, Why not just make a movie out of the movie stars' product endorsements that you can find at your local Walgreens? Here now are all the synergistic releases movie audiences can look forward to:

"Cozy Days To Glamorous Nights" starring Tamera Mowry

An identical twin estranged from her sister travels to the Italian island of Scünci to get away from her troubles. She hangs out in sweatshirts and yoga pants (cozy days) in her isolated villa but eventually finds love when she meets a mysterious dark winemaker (glamorous nights). Rated R for nudity and coarse language.

"Nobody Glows Like You" starring Taraji P. Henson

An inspirational semi-fictional-biopic of Taraji's rise to fame. Taraji stars as a young daughter of a royal space archaeologist who unites his moon colony to dethrone the tyrannical Mars invaders. Music by Taraji P. Henson and The Killers.

"Hyaluron + Plump" starring Eva Longoria and Ellie Fanning

A female buddy cop movie– Longoria plays the strait-laced Captain Valerie Plump who's very sensitive about her surname, and Fanning plays the flighty Gen Z rookie Moonbeam Hyaluron. Together they uncover a corruption scandal that reaches all the way to CITY HALL!!!!! Rated PG-13 with an upbeat soundtrack by Fall Out Boy, Lizzo, and Maggie Rogers.

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

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"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

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"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

Some New Movie Ideas Based On Subway Sandwich Names

Having used up every last comic book source material for a blockbuster movie script, the script writers of all the major studios have turned to the next logical resource: the menu at Subway. Here now are the latest greenlit projects movie fans can look forward to next year:

The Philly, The Outlaw, and The Monster

This hardboiled trilogy directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon begins a desperate young burglar (Keke Palmer) in Philadelphia who joins forces with a crime boss (Tyler Perry) to take down a serial killer (Kevin Bacon) who's been targeting criminals.

"Supreme Meats" starring Billy Eichner and Mos Def

This musical comedy follows two employees at Tyson Foods who quit their job to make music in a nearby warehouse, much to the chagrin of their former boss (Eva Longoria).

"The Great Garlic" produced by Robert Zemeckis

This CG animated adventure takes place entirely in the pantry of a food vlogger features the voice talents of T.I., Rebel Wilson, Anna Faris, Steve Carell, and Michael B. Jordan. Also featuring Florence Pugh as the voice of Balsamic Vinegar.

"Turkey Cali Club" starring Jonah Hill, Jurnee Smollett, Jay Pharaoh and Pete Davidson

The Long Beach dance club scene gets a much needed boost when some young entrepreneurs buy every club on Pine Avenue to form one giant club. Tim Heidecker plays the police officer responding to a noise complaint every fifteen minutes.

Dear Hollywood:

Can we lay off of the neon movie posters for a while? My rods and cones are burning. And two of these are your doing, Taika Waititi!