An Observation About a Local Church Bulletin

I looked in my church bulletin and have played enough Mortal Kombat to know that I'd have to beat the Catechetical Leader, the Bookkeeper, and both Permanent Deacons before I could defeat the Very Reverend Pastor/Prince Goro.

It's Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Begone! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

 

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's stable of talented writers are cranking out improbable (yet unbelievable) conspiracy stories for gullible dumbasses to believe at first listen. Here are some conspiracies you can expect on one of his upcoming broadcasts:

• UPC symbols are actually secret QR codes that homosexuals use to get the "gay discount" at the supermarket

• Universal remotes use infrared frequencies, which are responsible for airborne AIDS and electronic COVID

• The 2020 film "Wonder Woman 1984" uses subliminal messages to indoctrinate viewers into thinking it's not an absolute piece of shit film

• Dentists nationwide are using fillings as dumping grounds for toxic waste from the wind farm industry

• All school shootings have been faked using special effects by evil liberal Hollywood studios to convince people to give up their guns and stop worshipping God

EADJ Pun Police: Space Precinct Edition

"Gear up, space LEOs! It's time for you beat cops to do some patrol work and weed out any insidious puns that you find in this sector of Moon 562. Get to it, officers!"

"Gee, that's painful. But a misdemeanor at worst. Issue a ticket and carry on."

"'WineDown'? That is BAD. A real 4-80 groaner pun there. Take them into custody and maybe let them spend some time in the cooler to think about what they've done."

"Okay, Officer Cybo-3 tracked this one down on the restaurant platform. 'STEAK ME HOME TONIGHT' is egregious. Plus it forces me to hum Eddie Money, so that's a felony."

"Oh, another one from the SAME restaurant? Okay, bring out the paddywagon ship. We're hauling everyone in there to the clink."

"Red alert! We have a code black situation on the restaurant platform! The entire menu is full of horrible seafood puns! Put up the barricades, lock the whole block down! God help us all!"

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows and movies based on an algorithm viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out of This Podcast!

• What We Do In the Shadows Is None of Your Business

• Blue Brother (Blue Bloods meets Big Brother)

• The View: Deathmatch

• Extreme Botched: The Headless

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Joe Rogan Sleeping

• The Bold and the Marginally Attractive

• America's Got Talent: Unamerican Edition

• Pawn De Replay

• Dahmer: Open To Dating Again

A Delivery Spotted in Union, NJ

I hope whoever lives there comes home soon, or they'll be out a 90" TV.

You'd think they'd hide it under the welcome mat or something.

UAG

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Give 'em hell. And somebody find my eye."

"Why don't you take a seat right there."

"What is this... making love you speak of?"

*guy pulls out massive dong*

"I told you game night was fun." *pulls trigger of bazooka*

"Hi, I'm Julia. And I collect Pogs."

"Hi Julia."

(Dollar General Hotel Transylvania right here)

"I searched for pleasure. I found chlamydia."

"Holy shit, this new H.O.A. is strict."

6 Lies Told By The United States Department of Agriculture's Food Safety Brochure, "Is It Done Yet?"

Pointing out the lies of a government agency is usually the realm of conspiracy nuts and fat militia bunker dipshits, but we decided to give it a go.

1) That girl doesn't really want a burger. She simply wants to make her Dad look bad in front of his friends by berating him. Who does she think she is.

2) Not real corn. Fake corn. Pseudo corn. Lies on the cob.

3) The dad's smile barely hides his contempt for the daughter. She's the reason they didn't go backpacking that year in Portugal. Fucking kid.

4) That chicken breast wasn't fully cooked. Grandma will eat that one.

5) When it was alive, that wasn't just "fish"; that salmon had dreams, joys... it had a name. It was Greg.

6) Aren't safe cooking temperatures pointless if you're cooking quiche for dinner? Who cares about living at that point? 

Eat A Dick Joel is thrilled to announce the release of the 6 Lies Told line of delicious raspberry jam. This old fashioned raspberry jam has the fresh, homey taste that will take you back to your childhood. All natural, low in sugar, no pectin, and bursting with berry flavor with a hint of lemon, it's lovingly made from fresh and never frozen raspberries. Perfect over breakfast toast or topped over plain yogurt for dessert. Order today!

The ProofrEADJer: March Edition

"GODSENT"

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, Infiniti Group International."

"Hi, I think I just killed someone."

"Excuse me?"

"I... I think I just hit a biker in Midtown with my Pathfinder. I think he might be dead."

"Wait, this is not 911. This is the assistance line for Infiniti Group. We sell clocks."

"Clocks?"

"Yes, clocks. Do you have a clock problem?"

"Sort of. I think I killed a guy. I didn't mean – he just came out of a side road and I couldn't swerve in time. Can I turn time back before I did it?"

"Very funny. Please get off the phone."

"No, seriously. I need your help. It says 'Please call for assistance,' and that's what I'm doing."

"Was there an Infiniti brand clock on the scene of the accident?"

"Yes. That's where I found this sticker."

"Okay. Just give me your social security number and location, and I'll send our Temporal Task Force Police to revise your recent history."

"Oh, thank you!"