A Friendly Note From Those Creepy Neighbors That Want To Have A Threesome With You

Hi neighbor! We're back from our fabulous trip to the Maldives. Thanks for collecting our mail for us.

We brought you a souvenir from our exclusive water villa: the resort we stayed at had these free tiny bottles of body lotion on the bedstand. It smells of coconut and aloe, and we both thought of you!

But seriously, the Maldives are absolutely breathtaking. When we weren't making love on the dock or furiously manipulating each others' genitals by the pool, we took in the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and just relaxed. We truly wish you were with us. Maybe next time!

Feel free to come by the house sometime so we can show you all the incredible photos we took on our phones. We might even show you some of the racy movies we recorded of each other (wink wink)! Maybe you can be our next cameraman (or subject)!

Best,

Walter and Josannah

UAG

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Racist Appliances

The ProofrEADJer, Almost Payday Edition

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of November 4

Feel free to cut and paste any of these unloved hashtags into your own unloved Twitter feed:

#AIDSrevivalist

#gangstamerlot

#ihatedGravitybecauseImtoodumbtounderstandit

#donttextwhileautoeroticasphyxiation

#organicartisanlocalfoodieshithead

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#healthcare.govtattoo

#jennymccarthyissomuchhotterontheview

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#¶

#callingwhitepeoplemassa

#masturbationasateambuildingexercise

A Post-Labor Day Wrap-Up, Presented By Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

--------------------------------

FWD: Bob Hope in Heaven

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.

And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
downhill'..

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

And here's a special Back To School message for students from Cement Bird II, who also communicates only through crappy FWD emails:

When a male can't stand it anymore!

Priceless shot...

A photographer will die of old age

waiting to get another shot like this one.

PRICELESS!

TAKE THE NETZERO CHALLENGE! Call 1.888.798.4442 to learn more!

The Latest Movie Ideas From Hollywood Based On Names Pulled From A Sunglasses Brochure

Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Universal and Disney Studios have gotten more desperate lately, mining the latest Maui Jim sunglasses brochure for movie property ideas. The following films are being developed as we speak:

"Lighthouse" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sanjay Gupta and Kevin Kline

This mature drama is about a frustrated writer (Gyllenhaal) who meets an older, mysterious gentleman who seems to not have any connections to the close-knit Connecticut town. Nothing ever happens in this movie except for long, lingering establishing shots of the goddamned lighthouse.

"Sugar Beach" starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Martin Short, and Robert Deniro

A confused pool boy (Baruchel) is caught in a bidding war between two rivaling neighbors (Short and Deniro) who happen to also be rival mob bosses. And in case you were wondering, yes, Alice Eve will be in a bikini.

"Backyards" featuring the voices of Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza

DreamWorks does it again in this computer-animated feature with a talking sprinkler (Garofalo), a sarcastic tool shed (Irons), an impulsive weed whacker (Glover) and a sullen wooden deck (Plaza). And look for the "Backyards" kids meals at Burger King!

"Banzai" starring Peter Weller

This expensive prequel to "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension" stars Peter Weller in unconvincing makeup to make himself look like the younger physicist/neurosurgeon/test pilot/rock musician. Special FX by ILM, Digital Domain and the JIm Henson Company.

"Breakwall" starring Mark Wahlberg, Benicio Del Toro, and Stacy Dash

Shit blows up real big with cars and guns and boom and tits. Soundtrack by Papa Roach. Directed by "Flight Of The Phoenix" director John Moore.

"Hot Sands" starring Olivia Wilde, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox and... SOLD!

"Sunset" starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

This making of documentary goes behind the scenes of all 20 "Before Sunrise" films and recaptures every single moment of magic with the cast as it follows Ethan Hawke while he takes a shit and Julie Delpy as she blows her nose into a rag. Narrated by Richard Linklater.

"Kanaha" starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The Blue Man Group, and Tupac Shakur. This mystery project by Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry is weird. Indie weird. So weird that it's blowing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. So weird that the indie bands Phoenix, The National and Imagine Dragons have already devoted their next albums to it. KANAHA!

UAG

The EADJ Crappinema (Finally) Presents: "Unbeatable Harold"

Ah, Jesus. You'd think after the debacle of losing my keys and the thumb drive that contained the Crappinema review of "Dead Awake," forcing me to rewatch and re-review that crappy movie, I'd have learned my lesson. But sure enough, earlier last month I got drunk and lost my keys AGAIN, losing the EADJ thumb drive that contained the mostly-completed Crappinema review of "Unbeatable Harold." So, yes, I had to rewatch and re-review this sumbitch, too. I must love awful movies.

"Unbeatable Harold" sets out to be a quirky comedy with a goofy underdog protagonist, which is in of itself a fair pursuit. However, rather than really getting to know the characters' motivations and desires, this movie breezes by with cheap jokes and at least five montages to move the story along. It's like someone's fast forwarding to the good parts, but there are none.

So can a film composed mainly of lazy montages build likable, quirky characters? No, I'm really asking you, because I don't know.






























































Sorry to end on such a down note there. Well, back to the review:

Overall grade: F