The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

The popularity of movie membership rewards programs like AMC's Stubs keeps growing as movie chains create more reasons for audiences to return to theaters. Here are the newest Stubs Rewards:

• Members are allowed to blow their noses into the big red curtain

• Free foot rub by Timothée Chalamet (per availability)

• If the shitty sequel you're watching is an even number, free caramel popcorn. If the shitty sequel you're watching is an odd number, free box of Mallomars or Junior Mints

• If the AMC theatre you're in is one of those fancy dine-in deals, you are allowed berate the server to make yourself feel like hot shit

• Free popcorn bucket / urinal

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• The Deadliest Crotch

• America's Funniest Colonoscopy Bloopers

• Kids Helping Grown Ups Move

• Chicago Librarians

• "The Bachelorette: Where Are They Now?" Special, Live from Various Prisons

• The Crown Reruns, But Dubbed With Boston Accents

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Sound Check With Mötley Crüe

• The Flan-dalorian

• Gwinnett (spinoff of Atlanta)

• A Medieval Epic That Looks A Lot Like Lord of The Rings But Isn't Lord of The Rings Because We Don't Have Permission From Tolkien's Estate Hey Look! Small People With Furry Feet!

• Tucker Carlson At Home: The Animated Series

• Weather Forecasts Delivered Extremely Condescendingly For Some Reason

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Aug 1

I suck, you suck, Twitter sucks. But people who tweet need hashtags that suck, and here's where we come in. Here are some underused hashtags that those sucky people can use on their sucky Twitter:

#myopinionistrash

#CreedCDboxset

#mybuttholeonInstagram

#malariaisawesome

#radishsmoothies

#hornyforForky

#puttingmyballsinajaialaiscoop

#wholeftpopcorninthedamnofficemicrowaveagainwasitSandraagain

#dwarfnipples

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Pitbull, sick of topping the charts with pop hit after pop hit, decides to urinate on Antarctica under the world's largest Red Vines.

 

Roc Marciano. Not to be confused with legendary boxer Rocky Marciano. Rock Marciano would have had the sense to go inside during a lightning storm/18-alarm fire.

 

Future Colon?! Future Goloin? Shit. Pick a legible font, OB Product. Or is it DB Product?

 

Freeway wakes up and wonders how he got Philadelphia in his beard.

The Empire decides to call a mixtape what it really is.

Okay, Krizz Kaliko- which doesn't even sound like a real rapper's name; it sounds like an MC that would appear on "Curb Your Enthusiasm"- if you're going to name your album in slang, explaining what it means in parenths makes it 5000 times uncooler.

 

Tracy Chapman, distraught over not having a hit since "Fast Car" in 1988, contemplates ending it all.

 

Styles P is very angry at you for not only returning the garden tools you borrowed from him 3 weeks late, but returning them in such a bad condition that he can never get a full refund for them at Lowe's. He's very angry at you.

 No change needed. Stet.

 

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You probably remember my last session at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, today I'm back, and I've picked out a great outfit. This faux white leopard coat was only $14.99 from the Ann Taylor Factory Store, and these Evel Knievel pants I picked up from True Religion, which is right next to the Piercing Pagoda. Holla!"

 

For Sheezy Jolly Good Fellow!

Summer day for Joel.

Joel took a break from writing terrible screenplays to sit back on his back patio and eat some tropical dick, poolside. Too bad Mrs. Gufton from across the way also decided to tan her breast at the same time.

Joel eyed the long, flatulent breast that she set on the poolside table and for a moment was tempted to eat it. It was then that he saw the nipple on the end and lost his urge.

His chimp servant tried to set up a screen to shield Joel's eyes, but by then Joel had completely lost his appetite.

(pictured above, Jeff Epstein before shredding evidence of buying alcohol for minors)