And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Prepackaged Salad

A salad kit from the supermarket is a well-intentioned but challenging way to eat healthy. Why? Because despite all the toppings and extras, it is ultimately just a bowl of bland lettuce. Here now is the optimal way to enjoy one of these prepackaged salads to the fullest: 

1) Set out all the ingredients of the salad kit. Make a quick inventory of all the packets of crunchies and dressing. Bring your own extra bottle of dressing if possible.

2) Before mixing, remember that you do not have to mix all of the ingredients at once. Set aside some of the toppings for halfway through your meal.

3) Now halfway through your salad, add the remaining packets of whatever to "spice" up the rest of your lettuce. Soon, you've successfully completed a prepackaged salad!

And speaking of prepackaged, when hiring my limousine, don't assume that everything is included in a typical rental. I charge extra for any champagne consumed or glassware that's broken. Be safe, kids!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Pressure Wash a Driveway

Stains on concrete are not only ugly, they can also weaken the surface of your driveway. For this, a pressure washer is fast and efficient. Here are steps to cleaning a driveway with a pressure washer: 

1) Prepare the area. Using a broom or leaf blower, clear loose material like stone, dirt and other debris off the driveway surface. 

2) Prepare your pressure washer. Connect the spray wand to the washer using a pressure hose and the washer to a water supply using a garden hose. Different nozzles are available for different purposes. For applying the detergent, use the low-pressure nozzle. For rinsing, use a high-pressure nozzle.

3) Spray the concrete. Sweep the nozzle steadily back and forth across the surface, overlapping each stroke by several inches.

4) Seal the concrete. After the concrete has dried completely, apply a sealant to help ward off future stains. Allow the surface to set for 24 hours before using the driveway.

And speaking of surfaces, one time I wasn't looking and a lady was cutting lines of cocaine on the HOOD OF MY LIMO. Needless to say she didn't get a ride home. Be safe, kids!

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Renew A Sri Lankan Passport

A Sri Lankan citizen can apply for a passport renewal, while he is in another country, through the Sri Lankan Mission in that country or in the nearest country.These applications are processed by the Overseas Missions Branch at the Head Office of Department of Immigration and Emigration Immigration. Take these steps to renew your Sri Lankan passport:

1) Fill out your application form (Form ‘K’- 35 A) with other supporting documents and submit to a Sri Lanka Embassy.

2) Passport Application Form (Form ‘K’- 35 A) has now been revised to include a Client Undertaking Section (CUS). This section has to be signed by the applicant and hand over to consular officer. No application will be accepted without applicant’s signature in CUS.

3) Every applicant will be issued a special Instruction Note at the point of handing over the passport application which explains procedures to be followed.

And speaking of procedures, when I'm driving a fare in my limo, it's important that you follow the correct procedures for operating the divider window. Too many times I've had that thing stuck because two different people were trying to control it at once. Be safe kids!

Here Are Some More Available But Godawful Porn Names

Great job landing your first movie role, kid. But before you begin "performing" for the camera, you're going to need to tell our producers what your alias–aka porn name–is going to be. Keep in mind some of the best, most memorable porn handles have been taken already. But don't worry– we have a few unused ones lying around that you're welcome to. Be warned, though– they're pretty terrible.

Him

Beau Geste

Cumpanion Cube

Ben Ghazi

Dong Cornelius

Harold Asscrack

Shane ToMyParents

Warren G. Throbbing

Her

Lauren Ipsum

Teri Yaki

Nicorette

Bessie Mae Mucho

Bézier Curves

Lapdance Lazuli

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Serve Diagonally In Ping Pong

1) The ball must rest on an open hand palm, then it must be tossed up at least 6 inches and struck so the ball first bounces on the server's side and then the opponent's side.

2) If the serve is legal except that it touches the net, it is called a "let serve". Let serves are not scored and are reserved.

And speaking of serves, if you hire my limo, please know that I am the DRIVER, not a butler. You can get your own food. It's shocking that people automatically think I'm some kind of manservant for $120/hour. Be safe, kids.

Because We Can't Stop Talking About It: Learnings 2 from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies

I'm sure a lot of you readers are wondering, so who won EADJ's 25 Days of Hallmark Movies? Well, little scout, this month-long segment wasn't a competition per se, but since you asked, we have to give it a little bit of thought here.

The 25 men and 25 women were judged on likability, believability and overall attractiveness. People were eliminated if they were annoying, too passive, generic or otherwise boring as shit. Also there were a few children, and they shouldn't win anything.

MEN: The EADJ judges picked Brennan Elliott who played the lovelorn music teacher Danny Collier in "A Christmas Melody," also starring Lacey Chabert and Mariah Carey. He seemed pretty believable and didn't embarrass himself with dramatic overtures of love and pining. He was also not a dick to anybody else–you'd be surprised how many of the other main characters were pricks before they magically fell in love.

WOMEN: There were a lot of blank slates here, defined only by their need to FIND A MAN BY CHRISTMAS DAY. That's pretty depressing. But Arielle Kebbel's goofy turn as Christmas festival organizer Chloe seemed proactive and stable enough to win her the 2017 crown. It didn't hurt that she looks like a younger, hotter Britney Spears.

And there you have it: Elliot + Kebbel = ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS ROMANCE

2017's power couple hasn't starred in a Hallmark Christmas movie together, but at the rate Hallmark is cranking that shit out, it's only a matter of time when he plays a single father who owns a construction company and she's a lonely homeowner who needs someone to repair her broken porch and heart. "Christmas Under Construction," coming November 2018!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make Money On YouTube

In order to earn a healthy income from YouTube, stop viewing that platform as a monetize-able medium in and of itself. Instead, think of YouTube as the catalyst. The real way to make money from YouTube is to leverage its massive network. Here's how:

1) Sell your own goods on Spotify. You can set up an ecommerce storefront using a resource like Shopify, then produce videos that fit into your product’s niche. At the end of the videos, you can produce calculated CTAs that funnel traffic to your product landing pages.

2) Sell premium videos with Yondo. Create a YouTube channel and build an audience. The primary goal is to engage this audience and build a brand name. Then, once you've established a reputation, begin driving traffic to your own landing pages where you can up-sell viewers with premium video content. One of the best ways to do this is by using a solution like Yondo, which lets you create your own store that sells on-demand video content with your own domain. You can sell pay-per-view rentals, monthly subscriptions or anything in between. Best of all, you get to set your price and you don’t have to split revenue down the middle with YouTube.

3) Direct traffic to affiliate links. Instead of relying on static blogs to drive people to affiliate links, try creating a lively YouTube channel and using it as the primary catalyst. As the internet continues to move toward video as the primary form of content, you can get ahead of the curve and begin to benefit now.

4) Attract sponsorships. If you study the most successful YouTubers, you’ll notice the sponsorships and advertisements they have in their video recordings. These deals are opportunities the video-makers have discovered on their own. And the great thing about sponsorships is that you don’t have to give YouTube a cut. Plus, you can negotiate whatever contracts you want based on impressions and the size of your audience. 

And speaking of audience, sometimes when I'm driving my limousine and I'm in a really good mood, I'll start singing along with the Jerry Vale CD I'm playing. If you're riding in the back and raise the partition, it's okay- I won't be offended. Stay safe, kids.

We Come From the Land of the Ice and Snow / From the Midnight Sun / Where the Pathmarks Blow