More New Perks For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The AMC Stubs Rewards program continues to dominate all other moviegoing rewards programs at AMC, thanks to its growing list of benefits and perks. Here now are the latest rewards you can expect as a member:

• If your age is a prime number, you get a nerd handjob in the theatre

• Free Reese's Sticks for every 3 times you watch "Killers of the Flower Moon"

• Shots? Shots! We're getting shots, bitch!

• VIP seating at the upcoming Machine Gun Kelly film retrospective

• Advance screenings of Maria Menounos pre-show bullshit

• Free prostate exams during "Asteroid City"

• Instead of close captions for the hearing impaired, our assistant manager will yell all the dialogue in your ear

• Popcorn bucket with Mickey Rourke's dick in it

Títulos Alternativos Para un Cómic Mexicano

I found this lovely Spanish comic book at a magazine stand at a NYC subway stop. The drawings are lovely and over the top, as you might expect. What struck me most was the cover:

And rather than "Amores y Amantes" (which boringly translates to 'Love and Lovers'), I wondered what other titles this could sell as...

An Imagined Conversation

"Oh, Dios mío, that was a long flight, José!"

"Yes, Pedro, but finally, here we are, hello America!"

"Uh, yeah. About that, guys..."

"Yes, Mister American in a suit?"
"The thing is, amigos, your host families ducked out of the commitment of hosting youse. Last minute, like, when you guys were in the air."
"¡Ay no! What are we going to do, José?"
"We are going to be destitute, Pedro!"
"No, it's cool, guys. On the way here to the airport, I posted a sign on the side of a random road in New Jersey advertising for anyone to become your host family for the month of July. I'm sure to get a bunch of responses."
"From who?"
"People who happen to drive by, I guess. People who like the Spanish."
"Mister American, this sounds like a very terrible idea!"
"No, it'll be fine, guys. Just you see how many...*cell phone rings*... Oh wait a minute, guys. Here's our first caller! Hello?"
(cell phone chatter)
"Yes, this is he. You called about the Spanish students?"
(cell phone chatter)
"Um, I guess both of them are pretty sexy if you think about it. What was your name, sir?"

The Stars of Latin Pop Radio Are Very Angry With You

The stars of Latin Pop Radio are very angry with you. Muy enojado.

For one thing, they are muy irritado that you haven't watched much Univision although you get it on your 400+ channel cable subscription. You even have Univision HD and haven't bothered to turn to channel 459 once! The only time you've ever even seen Sabado Gigante was when you accidentally scrolled the wrong direction looking for ESPN Classic. ¡Qué decepción!

Ricky Martin is totalmente descorazonado that you haven't caught him in his guest star role on "Glee." He has a net worth of over $60 million and you can't be bothered to see him shake his bon-bon as Spanish teacher David Martinez? Living La Vida Furioso!

Shakira has been a wildly successful judge on "The Voice" this season, and you still think Cee-Lo is on it? She boasts an IQ of 140 and has sold over 7 million copies of her second album alone, and you still mistake her for Christina Aguilera? She is lo lívido that she can't even hablar! Hips don't lie, and her hips are completamente enumeró.

Enrique Iglesias is glad you don't call him "Julio" anymore, but he is muy muy deprimido that you still think he has that birthmark on his face, although he quité that mierda back in 2003. Muy muy muy cabreado.

Don't even think about speaking to the stars of Latin pop radio again until you pensar about what you've hecho.

An Open Letter To Pinto Beans

Hi Pinto Beans,

I've never written a letter to you before. Not sure why I'm writing now. I guess I just wanted to check in with you, making sure you're okay. We've known each other for decades now, and the truth is, you and I never talk.

And why is that? It's not like we've lost touch with each other. I often see you at Chipotle or at any taco truck in Austin, TX.

Yes, I know you're busy. Both of us are, believe me! But it's good to just touch base and catch up so we don't lose track of each other.

Okay, I'll come clean now. Full disclosure. I was just wondering if you somehow knew "Slumdog Millionaire" actress Freida Pinto. I sure would like to meet her- she's gorgeous.

Can you hook a brother up?

Let's Re-Uncinch the EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is a letter from Andrew Gall in the Creative Department Annex)

Last night I returned home around 12:15 a.m. I came upon a somewhat nerdy looking bicyclist, who called my attention to a squashed iguana, directly in front of the entrance to my building. He excitedly said he was going home to get his camera. The iguana looked like something out of a cartoon, squashed flat, with no traces of his (or her) insides. I tried to piece together the events. Someone’s beloved pet was apparently let loose to run amok on a busy street. Somewhere, a child, most likely of spanish descent, was crying. I hurried inside for the night. When I returned to the scene this morning, the dead iguana had been moved closer to the sidewalk. Someone must have felt compassion. I pulled out my shitty Nikon digital camera to take a picture, but the battery was dead.