Happy Halloween From EADJ

 EADJ hopes you have a fun and safe Halloween.

• ask a parent to check all apples for razor blades BEFORE throwing them at the house that gave you fruit for Trick or Treat

• check all furry costumes for ticks afterwards

• any candy corn that gets stuck in someone's nostril is par for the course with this family

• if Three Musketeers bars start tasting good to you, that's only because your tastes have gotten worse

• Guess what I'm dressed as. Guess. No, not that. Guess again.

• drive drunk safely since there are kids on the streets tonight

Okay, If You Feel That Way, Ice-T

We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs The Difference Between Antipasto and Charcuterie

"Good question! It's simple, really. Antipasto platters... uh... coff coff coff... include a variety... ouch... a varie... variety of flavors... No, not now... and textures, while... *gag*... charcuterie boards... (pant pant) charcuterie boards... focus primarily... oh god... on cured meats. Does that answer your questi...." *neck breaks*

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's signature Stubs rewards program has been so successful, and this week they've added even more perks for customers. Current and new AMC Stubs card members can enjoy these latest benefits:

• Free to use cot for when your spouse throws you out of the house

• Free tub of gross Oreo popcorn concoction that we can't even give away

• Free Cybertruck (but you can't give it back to us)

• Personalized seat posture analysis and critique from Lady Madeline Kurgien

• Access to our "baby crying room" which is actually the broom closet

• We will not cause the police if your crew starts some shit with another crew if none of them are AMC Stubs members

 

Announcement: New AMC Stubs Rewards!

AMC is thrilled to share the latest perks for cardholders of its wildly successful Stubs program. Here are what members can expect soon:

• That rat in Theatre 6 has been caught and removed

• Our staff has agreed not to make creepy eye contact with you while buttering your popcorn

• We can call your mom to pick you up when the movie is over

• One free murder alibi

• If you want, we can separate the Mikes from the Ikes for you

• Free helmets for any 4D Michael Bay movie

• To make it more like a home theatre experience, we will periodically peek in and nag you to take out the trash

• New glory holes in all rows

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Shell Pecans

Pecans are great for snacking, baking or just snacking. Did I say snacking twice? Jesus, this medication is fucking me up. Anyways, here are some quick steps to shelling pecans:

1) Place the nut between the arms of a nutcracker and squeeze gently until you hear it crack. Don't squeeze too hard, or you will break the nut meat inside.

2) Rotate the nut between the arms of the nutcracker and squeeze again. Continue rotating and squeezing along the length of the nut until the shell becomes loose enough to remove.

3) Separate the nut meat from the shell and you're done!

4) Read the directions on your prescription drugs before taking too much, especially before driving your limo on a job.

Stay safe, kids.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How to Host A Video Meeting on Zoom

Zoom meetings have become a vital part of work life now that the world is dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. Here's how you can host your own video meeting on the popular and now essential app:

If you do not have the Zoom app installed, go to zoom.us and select "Host a Meeting" to start the installation. If you DO have the App installed, see below.

1) Open your Zoom app on your desktop and click Sign In.

2) Log in using the E-mail and password that you have created, or with Google(Gmail), Facebook, or Login with SSO. 

3) Click the downward arrow and select Start with video, then click New Meeting to start an instant meeting.

And speaking of "instant", if you're ever riding in my limo and want to make some coffee, go ahead and help yourself to the coffeemaker. But please don't leave a friggin' mess for me to clean up hours later. Do you know how hard it is to get real cream out of floor mats? Be safe, kids.