Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

A List of the Newest Perks Added to the AMC Stubs Program

AMC Stubs continues to enjoy increased membership numbers by offering more rewards than any other movie membership program. Here are the latest that they are offering:

• A handsome man will sit next to you and pretend to be interested in you even though you're happily married and just need to feel wanted once in a while

• We will feed gummi worms to you, mama bird style.

• You will be allowed to wear your bedazzled loincloth to the show JUST THIS ONCE.

• Free signed poster of the movie you're watching by actor James Brolin, whether he's in the movie or not

• We'll fill your bucket with unpopped popcorn and a cigarette lighter and let you do it all yourself

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 Here's the latest in hip hop mixtape artwork:

A ski mask and a nap is all I need too, buddy.

But sure, maybe the edge of a sink is comfy, too.

Latto about to finish her shift at the local carwash, completely unaware of the nearby camera.

"Fine Ho, Stay" is not the Lego Movie sequel I was expecting.

Still waiting for that new Blade movie from Marvel.

Oh JEEZ, I'm not touching this one.

EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Brand: RightChoice (RC)

Brand Imagery: An explosion of midcentury green leaves

Brand Promise: You made the right choice.

Feels Like: You did not.

Brand: Elegant

Brand Imagery: White leaves against a serene blue sky

Brand Promise: A getaway into a relaxing sky

Feels Like: A miniature skater grinding along the rim of your butthole

Brand: Big Roll

Brand Imagery: Bold black type on a stark white background

Brand Promise: Plenty to wipe with

Feels Like: A lack of quality, not quantity

Brand: POM

Brand Imagery: A stylized O that looks like a whirlpool (or Sonic the Hedgehog?)

Brand Promise: The cushy comfort of a pom-pom

Feels Like: A high school football team made their entrance by tearing through your asshole

Brand: Cascades Pro Select

Brand Imagery: Sprinkles on a pink donut?

Brand Promise: A high quality trip to the bathroom stall

Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a fireplace poker made of Brillo

"A Sword by Itself Does Not Slay; It is Merely the Pathmark Used By the Slayer."

Oddly, this one has a couple of Blueys:

The ProofrEADJer: End of November Edition

UAG

Today I Try To Remember The Lyrics To Tag Team's "Whoomp! (There It Is)"

 As a mental exercise, I tried to write down from memory the lyrics to "Whoomp! (There It Is)" by Tag Team, released in 1993.

This is the best I could do:

Tag Team back again / Get the new Retsin, let’s begin

Party people in the house gonna make some noise / Gonna turn it all out, all you girls and boys

Gonna make you all dance, gonna make you all move / Gonna do it when the record hits into the groove

Then when it’s time and it starts to get busy

Whoomp, there it is

(Chorus)

Upside down and inside out / Gonna show you party people what it’s all about

Inside and and upside down / gonna bring the party to everyone in town 

Gonna do this old school / Cuz I’m an old fool, who’s so cool

And just when it’s time to get busy

Whoomp, there it is

(Chorus)

Here, you can check how well I did here:

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix removes or adds shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here are all the shows that will be added to Netflix's lineup this month:

• The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power: Did We Mention The Rings?

• Yellowstone But On Rollerblades

• Only Misdemeanor Assaults In The Building

• Whatever Show Brad Garrett Is In Now

• The Masked and Chained Singer

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing this month:

• Star Wars: Obscure Character Unnecessary Backstory

• The Great British Boil Off

• Celebrity Squid Game

• Girls Gone Wild Kratts

• Hiding Your Roots, the Genealogy Cover-Up Show

Garden Hose Reel Was Depressed.

Garden Hose Reel was depressed.

Cooking Pot was horrified.

Bike Rack Bracket was shocked.

Shit On the Side of a Building was confused.

Other Shit On the Side of a Building was at a loss for words.

Doppelgänger Time!

Alternate Universe John Reid measures twice, cuts once.

Alt-Ayana is annoyed that she's halfway on a shelf.

Multiversal Marshall already seems bored with this universe and wants to go home.

Some Conspiracy Stories InfoWars Is About To Dump On Yous

Alex Jones and his two writers are baking some spicy untrue stories for you dummies to gobble up with no critical thinking. Here are the newest: 

• Polly Pocket toys are a way to indoctrinate children to get them used to living in small tenements

• CEOs of corporations are actually benevolent demigods here to protect you and care for the planet

• All identical twins are CIA operatives– one to spy on you, one to report to Langley

• How can Kermit the Frog still speak when Jim Henson died in 1990? Kermit IS ALIVE.

• Kegel exercises can restore virginity. Just ask me, Alex Jones

New Documentaries on the All-Documentary Channel

The Documentary Channel has announced a new lineup, including these docs:

• How Ke$ha Became Kesha

• Who Built The Ferrero Rocher Pyramids?

• The Menendez Brothers Double Date Casey Anthony and Lorena Bobbit

• Cold Case: The Disappearance of Toby's Weed Stash

• WWII: The Underdocumentaried Parts

UAG

"Women Are the Real Pathmarks of Society."

All the Latest Influencers Added To VidCon US 2024

VidCon 2024 is coming to Las Vegas, and boy, the already full roster of special guests is expanding even more! So secure your tickets now so you can see these social luminaries onstage:

• The Hawk Tuah Girl's best friend Chelsea will show up and wave to the crowd for $50,000

• A Jake Paul look-a-like will box a Mike Tyson look-a-like for counterfeit money. Nothing is real.

• For $50, SSSniperwolf will doxx you

• Joe Rogan will try some new material after locking all the exit doors

• Remember Fred? No? Well, he's showing up anyway. 

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Every so often, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Bill Maher's Podcast While On The Toilet

• Suck Session (NC-17 version of Succession)

• Law & Order: Parking Violation Unit

• Making the Band of Brothers

• Star Trek: Tales From the Jefferies Tubes  

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Meet the Press Press the Meat

• Extremely Awkward iCarly Cast Reunion

• Reno 311!

• Twin Peaks 2024: Still Weird

• Pawn Stars: Ripping Off More Druggies

Ummmmm...

 Amazon advertises a felony machine:

Someone on FB sells a bunch of local misdemeanors:

We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs The Difference Between Antipasto and Charcuterie

"Good question! It's simple, really. Antipasto platters... uh... coff coff coff... include a variety... ouch... a varie... variety of flavors... No, not now... and textures, while... *gag*... charcuterie boards... (pant pant) charcuterie boards... focus primarily... oh god... on cured meats. Does that answer your questi...." *neck breaks*

The Dumbest Unused Porn Names in the Biz

Congrats on your very first porn shoot! We’re almost ready to shoot your first scene, but first you'll need a porn name. Something you’ll go by for the duration of your 3-5 year career before you're on drugs or in jail. Here's a broken ashtray full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself to any of them, but fair warning– a lot of these are pretty stupid:

Him

Fenton L.

Lou Hanging Fruit

Taw Keenaway (from the lyrics to “Take On Me” by a-Ha)

A. Grant FromSchwab

Transthoracic Echocardiogram

Uber Driver

Moe Moneymoproblems

Her

Meggin’ Strips

Preg Nancy

Amber Alert

Syphilis Diller

Gia Think?

Lunette Ick

Concertina Wyre

Rhoda Dendron

Donde Esta

The ProofrEADJer: November Edition

Stay in school, kids.