Some Conspiracy Stories InfoWars Is About To Dump On Yous

Alex Jones and his two writers are baking some spicy untrue stories for you dummies to gobble up with no critical thinking. Here are the newest: 

• Polly Pocket toys are a way to indoctrinate children to get them used to living in small tenements

• CEOs of corporations are actually benevolent demigods here to protect you and care for the planet

• All identical twins are CIA operatives– one to spy on you, one to report to Langley

• How can Kermit the Frog still speak when Jim Henson died in 1990? Kermit IS ALIVE.

• Kegel exercises can restore virginity. Just ask me, Alex Jones

Coming Soon To Theatres

From the mind of an uneducated president:

More Shark Avalanche or Avalanche Shark Movie Poster Taglines Or Whatever

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

I can only aspire to produce a comic strip as funny as "Mutts."

This Blog Is Presented With Limited Commercial Interruption by Jingos Crackers

Clerk: Boy, I love Jingos! They're like, totally American. Fuck other countries.

Man: I agree! USA all the way! We should bomb those other countries just for not being us!

Woman: Totes! I just want to fly my flag all day and shoot Mexicans! And Irish!

Clerk: LOL. And the French. And the British.

Man: And people from the island of Fiji.

Clerk: I've never even heard of that place, but fuck them, too.

Man and Woman: LOL. USA USA!

All three: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Announcer: Jingos Crackers. Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out.

A Quick Note For The Fine Folks at Istanbul

Hey Istanbul Dudes-

I've seen you used Photoshop to create some sort of clipping path around the food for your takeout menu. Since you had it open already, you know you could've changed the color balance so the meat didn't look so green, and those two things on the right wouldn't look so much like glistening turds.

Sincerely,
Matt G

Dick -------------> Joel

It's tax time, and Joel filed his taxes via Turbotax.com to receive his refund more quickly. On his 1099 he listed "DICK" in the "Miscellaneous income and tips" box. The unfortunate entry, however, crashed the Turbotax server and caused everyone in Montana to receive $5000 free. The good people of capital city Helena showed their appreciation by naming one of their horse paths "Honorary Joel Eating Dick Way." Joel has also been invited to come visit and speak before a crowd of six in City Hall- two who are reported to own dicks- and Joel has enthusiastically pencilled it into his calendar.

(pictured above, three not very smart people would rather look at an ad for "America's Next Top Model" than seek shelter from a snowstorm)

**Update** The crashed Turbotax server has also inexplicably subtracted $40,000 from the account of a Galen Tomlinson, who played "Turbo" on American Gladiators from 1990-1996.