EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Brand: RightChoice (RC)

Brand Imagery: An explosion of midcentury green leaves

Brand Promise: You made the right choice.

Feels Like: You did not.

Brand: Elegant

Brand Imagery: White leaves against a serene blue sky

Brand Promise: A getaway into a relaxing sky

Feels Like: A miniature skater grinding along the rim of your butthole

Brand: Big Roll

Brand Imagery: Bold black type on a stark white background

Brand Promise: Plenty to wipe with

Feels Like: A lack of quality, not quantity

Brand: POM

Brand Imagery: A stylized O that looks like a whirlpool (or Sonic the Hedgehog?)

Brand Promise: The cushy comfort of a pom-pom

Feels Like: A high school football team made their entrance by tearing through your asshole

Brand: Cascades Pro Select

Brand Imagery: Sprinkles on a pink donut?

Brand Promise: A high quality trip to the bathroom stall

Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a fireplace poker made of Brillo