"A Sword by Itself Does Not Slay; It is Merely the Pathmark Used By the Slayer."

Oddly, this one has a couple of Blueys:

Spotted on Facebook Messenger (Where My Uncle Mainly Posts For Some Reason)

Not sure if my uncle's account has been hacked or if he is voluntarily posting horrible whacko bullshit.

Retail Loyalty Programs!

With the success of loyalty programs like California Pizza Kitchen's Pizza Dough and My Starbucks, lots of other chains are looking to keep customers coming back with their own custom programs. Join these new loyalty clubs:

Delta Airlines Masochists
Cheesecake Factory Fat Fucks
Petsmart Turdhandlers Elite
Whole Foods Insufferable Soccer Moms
Supercuts Nicked Ear Club
Hobby Lobby Homophobic Sewing Circle
Ticketmaster Enablers
Yankee Candle's La Cosa Nostril
Hooters Eligible Bachelor Pad
Restoration Hardware Pewter Addicts
Sephora Lyin' Bitches
Lids Douchebag Rewards

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Names of Pizza Hut Gourmet Pizzas

Everybody knows that Hollywood is plum fresh out of new script ideas. Recently representatives from Sony Pictures, Legendary Pictures, DreamWorks and others showed up at a Union, NJ Pizza Hut to grab a menu and green-light the titles of the latest pizzas into feature film properties. Here now are some of their offerings, due for release in 2017 (all with strict Pizza Hut promotional tie-ins):

"Garden Party" starring John C. Reilly, Russell Brand, and Laura Prepon.
A down-on-his-luck landscaper (Reilly) is mistaken for a reclusive rock star (Brand) and becomes the latest YouTube sensation, scoring millions of hits for his ukulele covers of chart topping hits. Also starring Clark Duke as the major label intern who knows what's up.

"Old Fashioned Meatbrawl" starring Wesley Snipes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Randy Couture and John Cena. Four badass Pizza Hut employees avenge their murdered manager and go on an ass-whipping, pie-topping rampage to find the killers. Alison Williams stars as Peter Pan Pizza.

"Pretzel Piggy" directed by Tim Burton, starring Adam Driver, Zoe Saldana, Minnie Driver and Bill Murray.
A stop-motion adventure starring a twisted pork flavored pretzel (Murray) his potato chip friends (the Drivers) and a sexy, salty cheese puff (Saldana). Soundtrack by (surprise!) JOHN WILLIAMS!

"Buffalo State Of Mind" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This very serious movie about a very adult subject captures the human spirit and the uplifting triumph of... well, whattaya know, an Oscar already!?

"Cock-A-Doodle Bacon" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This wacky crowd-pleaser is simply "Buffalo State Of Mind" re-edited with CG dicks and pieces of bacon, voiced by Patton Oswalt and Demetri Martin.

"7-Alarm Fire" starring Casey Affleck, Anthony Mackie and Amanda Seyfried.

A disaster movie set in the row-houses of Boston, this chronicles a young firefighter (Affleck) and how he overcomes racism to save a dozen neighborhoods. Special visual effects by Digital Domain.

"Sweet Sriracha Dynamite" starring Kevin James, Sofia Vergara, Andy Samberg and Rob Schneider. Directed by Adam McKay.

A bumbling suburban slob (James) switches bodies with a hot Latina supermodel and starts a grass-roots scholarship fund to send young but less fortunate hispanic women to college. Dynamite!

"Skinny With A Kick" starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Adrien Brody.

Think "Bloodsport" without muscles. Two skinny white men start a bare-knuckles fighting championship, but only a confused exchange student and two stray dogs join. Directed by "Corrina, Corrina" director Jessie Nelson.

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous installment of this segment here.

"Meteor" (1979) starring Sean Connery, Natalie Wood and Karl Malden

Mackabee (played by Connery): "You shee, we're the only hope that Earth hash. We need to shuccsheed."

"Just Go With It" starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston

Tom (played by Sandler) (singing): "♫ ♪ Ah pookee dookee ping ping wabba wabba ibby ibby ibby ibby ibby WHOOAAAHOOOOGAAAHHH waggle naggle taggle baggle bag-a-bag-a POCK POCK! ♫ ♪"

Jennifer Aniston (to camera): "It's a paycheck. Shut up."

"The Guvnors," starring Jay Simpson, Lee Nicholas Harris and Martin Hancock

"PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"NO, YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"
"NO, YOU PUT DOWN THE FOOKIN' GUN!"

The Judge" starring Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall

Attorney Sam Buckwell (played by Downey): "Who the hell are you to judge me?"

Judge J. Jury Judgeman (played by Duvall): "I am a judge."

Buckwell: "Oh, right."

"Fury" starring Brad Pitt, Shia Lebeouf and Logan Lerman

Commander Donald Truss (played by Pitt): "We've got to hold the line, boys. The outcome of the war depends on these four acres…Great God! Who farted? We're in close quarters in a tank here, guys. I mean really!"

TTVS

The Guy Who Keeps Bringing Up Star Wars On Dates

Spotted in Home Depot

I call this one "Baby Boom."