EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Brand: RightChoice (RC)

Brand Imagery: An explosion of midcentury green leaves

Brand Promise: You made the right choice.

Feels Like: You did not.

Brand: Elegant

Brand Imagery: White leaves against a serene blue sky

Brand Promise: A getaway into a relaxing sky

Feels Like: A miniature skater grinding along the rim of your butthole

Brand: Big Roll

Brand Imagery: Bold black type on a stark white background

Brand Promise: Plenty to wipe with

Feels Like: A lack of quality, not quantity

Brand: POM

Brand Imagery: A stylized O that looks like a whirlpool (or Sonic the Hedgehog?)

Brand Promise: The cushy comfort of a pom-pom

Feels Like: A high school football team made their entrance by tearing through your asshole

Brand: Cascades Pro Select

Brand Imagery: Sprinkles on a pink donut?

Brand Promise: A high quality trip to the bathroom stall

Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a fireplace poker made of Brillo

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"If you're so smart, dolphin, why aren't you rich?"

"I am, bitch."

WTPA had to fire correspondent T.Y. when they realized he was a mumble rapper.

Still funnier than Fallon.

When your Uber is late because of arena traffic.

Write what you know, I guess. *shrug*

Whenever Jean Deaux shifted in the leather sectional, it sounded like she farted. So she stayed still.

If it don't close, it's not much of a trap, is it?

"Some thugs attacked me with a Play-Doh Fun Factory, officer!"

Hellboy was used to handling bigger guns, but whatever.

Once Again It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye! Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Bowl of Fruit Was Happy

Bowl of Fruit was happy.

Shake Shack Deep Fryer was apathetic.

Dust Devil Part felt goofy.

Crates Outside Walgreens were neutral about it.

Ice Cream Cone Packaging was shocked! SHOCKED!

And Stacked RC Trucks was just depressed about it all.

UAG

UAG