Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes...

Pictured below: A banner for Secret Body Spray: 

Pits, Underboobs, Privates, Feet.

Coincidentally, these four areas are where inmates in women's prisons are searched for weapons.

These could also be the nicknames of four female mafia enforcers.

Sofia "Pits" Scapelli

Lucia "Underboobs" Russo

Viola "Privates" Barbieri

Ginevra "Feet" De Luca

The VidCon Guests: UPDATED!

The Internet's biggest gathering of content creators and influencers is next week, and here are the newest additions to the already packed guest list:

• Logan Paul, Mr. Beast and KSI will be handing out boxes of their shitty unsold Lunchly meals to anyone who doesn't resist

• Harmony Patel will show you how to cook her famous TikTok Tikka Masala

• 4 year old Justin Bieber impersonator Jesse Breebs will sing an extended 10 minute version of "Baby"

• Police will arrest twenty 4chan users live in Hall C

• OnlyJayus will publicly rebrand herself as DEIUnityWokeSistah

• Prank content creators Laphy and the Boom will cause the tragic death of all 450 guests in the main auditorium

The ProofrEADJer: November Edition

Stay in school, kids.

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain How To Create Tabs In Microsoft Word

Aggh... First, you have to set tabs in the... shit... Tabs dialog box. You can set tabs by... *huff* using the Tabs... wait, wait, wait... dialog box. *gasp* By using the Tabs dialog box... AHHH!... you get more precise tab positions–oh Jesus– and also can *wheeze* insert a... FUCK!... specific character *choke* (leader) before the tab. Gimme a second... Now on the Home tab, in the Paragraph group... blacking...out...click the Paragraph dialog box launcher, and then click Tabs. That's it! *dies*

The ProofrEADJer: I Thought We Just Did This Last Friday Edition

The Off-Brand TP Roundup Will Never Go Away

(This submitted by Andrew Gall via text)

Brand: Marathon

Brand Imagery: Shades of blue and gray

Brand Promise: You'll never 'run out?'

Brand Reality: Probably a better idea to wipe your ass with that Betty & Veronica comic book instead

Brand: Toilet Tissue® 2-Ply

Brand Imagery: What almost looks like black and green argyle, but ain't

Brand Promise: Nothing

Brand Reality: It delivers

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: A white swan in the logo over a giant yellow dandelion

Brand Promise: Elegant like a graceful swan

Brand Reality: Evil and psychotic like Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"

Brand: RETAIN (or is it RETOIN?)

Brand Imagery: A stack of N's (??????) and the recycling symbol not looking anything like an A

Brand Promise: You will retain the flesh around your anus after using this

Brand Reality: They lied.

Brand: Livi Basic

Brand Imagery: A leaf over a leaf background that looks suspiciously like poison ivy

Brand Promise: A natural feeling tissue experience

Brand Reality: Hope you have some calamine lotion ready, asshole

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Leaf background

Brand Promise: Softness not unlike wiping with velvet

Brand Reality: Like wiping with starched corduroy

Brand: Feather Soft

Brand Imagery: Either a feather or some ghostly pine needles (or is it the Palme D'or?)

Brand Promise: A birdlike wipe in the toilet

Brand Reality: Like getting raped by your cellmate, a rabid ostrich

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Roses

Brand Promise: Roses

Brand Reality: Thorns

Brand: Silkie Premium Quality Soft & Lush Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: A skeletal bird flying over a field of daisies

Brand Promise: A haphazard throwing together of soft and natural themes

Brand Reality: Like riding down an up escalator's railing with zero moisture

The Very Absolutely Definitively Definitely Worst Of Kidz Bop Cover Songs

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (ft. Wanz)

The cringeworthy joyful rapping. The lyric "Damn, that's a old ass honky" replaced with "that guy on the marquee." This is fucking awful.




"My Immortal" by Evanescence

For once, they didn't autotune the lead singer, which turns out to be a BAD THING. This insincere goth ballad from 2000 gets a much-needed dose of serious Kidz brand SUNSHINE! Strangely, the lyric "these wounds won't seem to heal" sounds more authentic coming from tweens than from Evanescence singer Amy Lee. Weird.




"Party Like A Rockstar" by Shop Boyz

"Whoo!" "Oh!" "Totally dude!" "Yeaaaaahhhh" This is so painful I can't even write it up.




"Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Take shit. Mix it with shit, and blend it with shit. Then shit it all out through a shit filter. Voila, this!




"Float On" by Modest Mouse

Hey, take an overplayed indie hit and replace the vocals with Kidz! Do you like it now? Yes? Oh, fuck you.





"MMMBop" by Hanson

This kid-vocaled sunshiny cover of an already kid-vocaled sunshiny hit has created a kid-vocaled sunshiny vortex of light matter that will soon destroy the entire universe with doo-wops and handclaps. We as a civilization never had a chance.

Literate Book Corner: The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism, Published 1964

Like I mentioned before, there's a free used book rack at my New Jersey train station, and while I mainly dump off books I've read there, sometimes there are titles that catch my attention that I'm compelled to share.

This one is terrific. It's a New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism handbook from 1965. And while it's filled with the requisite Bible readings, "study helps" (??????), and Mass prayers, they've gone the extra mile to include illustrations of children saying things that children WOULD NEVER SAY:

I showed it to my wife and she said, "That's propaganda." If I were a kid and heard another kid say anything like that, I would think, This guy is either an adult pretending to be a kid or a fucking narc.

This book frames the lessons of the Bible in terms that children can understand- like honoring your father and mother by obeying their request to do chores- but a lot of these other scenarios are examples of being nice rather avoiding sin. 

Sure, it can be all interpretation of Scripture that being nice is being holy (pretty loosey-goosey, if you ask me), but why try so hard to make children feel guilty about being children? Why instill children with such a deep sense of guilt so early in their lives... oh, yeah. Catholicism.