"Women Are the Real Pathmarks of Society."

UAG

UAG

A Disturbing Future Without Humanity

If you're a longtime reader of this blog– and why wouldn't you be?– you are familiar with the past posts, musings, and bullshittery on the NJ Transit Commuter Survey. Spotted this morning on the train, the 2019 survey flyer is adorned yet again another generic still life instead a vibrant stock shot of fake commuters pretending to talk to each other.

Since 2013, NJ Transit Authority has seen fit to do away with the cheesy photo, perhaps thinking it put off commuters from filling out the advertised survey. I for one think this does nothing of the sort, that the stilted engagement of these actors amused me enough to engage in NJ Transit's boring paperwork. What, is a pie chart or a lousy shot of a pine cone going to get me all fired up to respond?

The truth is, anger towards service interruptions, canceled trains and poor infrastructure management would be what drives most people to fill out the survey. But rather than insult us with a half-assed stock photo of autumnal leaves, why not insult us with a poorly-staged stock shot of models whose conversation will always be just out of our comprehension? Think about it, NJ Transit.

Some Movie Ideas Based on A Rite Aid Poster For Hand Warmers

Clearly out of ideas, Hollywood's major studios have resorted to a bidding war over who gets to release a feature film based on a display poster for hand warmers at a Rite Aid in New York. Here are their pitches:

20th Century Fox: "Beat The Cold" starring James Marsden, Amy Schumer, Sterling K. Brown and Emily Blunt. A giant yellow asshole appears in the sky, and it's up to four Christmas carolers to bring it down (or at least get it to shut closed).

Sony Pictures: "Warmers" starring Channing Tatum, Jack Black, Rachel McAdams and Giancarlo Esposito. A group of blackballed personal trainers decide to start their own "warm-up" camp and discover a whole new way to inspire a generation of losers. Also starring Josh Gad as the big gym's janitor turned snitch.

Walt Disney Studios: "HOTHANDS WARMERS" starring Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell and Mindy Kaling. A group of friends happen upon an ancient animated artifact that warms hands and hearts. Also starring Michael Stuhlbarg as the evil, meddling scientist.

Universal Pictures (in collaboration with Troublemaker Studios): "Calentadores" starring Selena Gomez, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Day and Michelle Rodriguez. This Hispanic-based story follows four football (aka soccer) fans in Venezuela who suddenly develop super warming powers after being exposed to some toxic waste from a nearby aluminum refinery. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

Paramount Pictures: "The Cold" starring Viggo Mortensen, Jessica Alba, Sean Hayes, and Crystal Bernard. This survival story recounts the harrowing experience of four friends trapped inside an outdoor stadium after hours. They survive on leftover hot dogs, stale beer and love.

Warner Bros. Pictures: "Green Lantern 2" Completely unrelated to hand warmers, the cold, or four smiling people, Warner Bros. decides to launch a sequel/reboot of the failed Ryan Reynolds movie with even more CG effects, a darker, grittier tone and letting Zack Snyder do whatever the hell he wants. Set to release in 3 months.

The Most Common Answers That Soccer Bunny Gives During ESPN Interviews

• "Yeah, I'm a goalie Soccer Bunny. That's why I get to touch the ball with my hands."

• "No, in Europe, I'm still known as Soccer Bunny, not Football Bunny."

• "Yes, that's supposed to be my likeness on the bottom of the box."

• "About $680 million a year."

• "As a matter of fact, yes. I'm dating Bella Hadid."

• "I'm not going to answer that question. But I'll just say that I'm part Moroccan."

• "Four."

• "No siblings. Although my cousin is a chocolate shark in Walgreen's."

• "No, $3.68 doesn't sound like a random, arbitrary number to me."

• "Hmm... Probably Seth Myers, Rebecca Black and Indira Gandhi."

• "Missionary."

• "No, I can't do any product endorsements since I am a product myself."

• "'The Shack' by William P. Young. It is so inspirational."