Spotted On A Star Wars Toy

Yoda says, "Learn about electricity, you will." Although I'm pretty sure you can learn a lot more about electricity from the other guy.

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

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"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

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"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

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"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

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"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Another Incomplete List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande segments here.

You've probably noticed by now that Ariana Grande is cute. That's because everything Ariana Grande says, sings, does or bats her eyelashes at are to let you know that she is cute. But here we at EADJ would like to suggest that there a few things that are actually cuter than Ms. Grande.

• Ponies with ponytails

• Orphanage gas leaks

• The way old men stammer when outwitted

• Terrible balloon animals

• Jello shots that don't make it into your mouth

• Snails wearing bibs

• Yoda holding Baby Yoda

• Dynasty reruns on mute

Happy New Year From Eat A Dick Joel!

2018 has been a long, miserable slog of a year. Here's to 2019 being less long!

Love, EADJ

UAG

So How's Alice Gainer Doing On Channel 10/55/Whatever?

A few weeks ago we reported on the reporter Alice Gainer now holding down the desk at WLNY 10/55 instead of breaking up Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson, the best damned news team ever. So how is our former homewrecker doing over there?

 

Holdin' it down.

Gettin' it done.

Makin' it happen.

Readin' that prompter.

Reportin' those headlines.

Catchin' it live.

Doin' it up right.

Kickin' ass and takin' names. Also, reportin' those names.

Shakin' shit up.

Throwin' it all out there.

Takin' it as it comes.

Gleamin' the cube.

Maskin' the tape.

And AG isn't the only one moonlighting. Correspondent Tracee Carrasco (try typing that five times fast) is also burning the candle at both networks, working a sensible blouse by day...

And the Kermit the Frog reporter overcoat at night. Serious!

This, of course, frees Kristine Johnson up to pose for flower seed packet point of purchase displays.

That's Weird.

I had never pegged Yoda to be the MMA tribal tattoo kind of guy.

UAG

Lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy.

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of September 16

Here now are this week's least popular Twitter hash tags (feel free to use yourself):

#racewar

#jaylenohilarious

#oogieloves

#justinguarini

#pawningmyfiddle

#strepthroat

#manimal

#purellenemas

#amishrule

#ceelosanus

#imnotanattentionwhore

#spandexburkhas

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.

UAG

Oh, Terrin and Christine!

Spotted at the customer service counter in a Maryland supermarket: a sheet of paper.




Hey, you two- if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean! Crazy kids.

"Youse" Usage

A snarky, ironic appearance of "yous" at Trader Joe's in Midtown:


And a less ironic, more excellent one in JFK:

Oh Jeez.

Why? Why is he so sexy? How can I have these feelings?

So sexy. Sexy. Very extremely sexy. Hard to grapple with these feelings of confusion and desire. Must not want him. So sexy.

Tough to deal with, these urges. But it's his sexy, rippling body that's sending these signals to me. So sexy. Extremely, very sexy. So tan!

Jeans. Tight jeans now. So sexy. Mind racing. Heart pounding. Sexy. That Doctor Dude is doing a real number on me. Can't feel my extremities. Getting dizzy.

Must look away. But burned in my retinas, his sexy physique. Taut, firm and bronzed. He's a doctor, too. Plus, apparently he owns a boat.

Damn you, in flight magazine advertising!