Spotted on My YouTube App

Senator John Fetterman looking goooood.

Third Bullet's The Best

 No awkward small talk? I'm sold!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on market research. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:  

• ACL: The NFL's Favorite Torn Ligament

• Half-Assed Urban Nature Walk

• The Bachelor-To-Be

• The Masked, Bound, and Gagged Singer

• Ocean Cops!

• My Penis In Micronesia

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• America's Got Lupus

• AW SHIT: C-SPAN UNCENSORED

• We Watch Snoop Dogg Sleep

• Wheel of Fortune Cookies

• The Book of Zuckuss

2020 Was A Weird Year.

This was a real purchase: 

Newly Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC in association with uncomfortable furniture are proud to announce the latest benefits to the massively successful AMC Stubs Rewards Program. New members as well as current cardholders can enjoy these new perks:

• Free flashlight to check out that Latina's ass

• Free neck pillow for any Terrence Malick movies

• The AMC Stubs app will electrocute you if you log into Netflix

• Personalized license plate: STUBBY ME

• AMC employees will let you try on one of their stinky vests

• The ability to suddenly know all of NaS's lyrics by heart

• You're still thinking about that Latina's ass, aren't you

• Free pair of pants that don't really fit you but they're so nice you'll take a pair, whatever

• Good times (not the show)

• We will teach you how to correctly use the phrase "gig economy" in a sentence

• Seriously, dude, that ass

"The Most Successful People In Life Get That Way By Putting Pathmark and Commitment Into Their Work."

More InfoWars Conspiracy Theories In The Works

The angry bird Alex Jones is a prolific shit-sprinkler of hate serves up unintelligible theories on the daily. But his talented stable of writers still have to stay ahead of the curve and have some rambling points created a day or two in advance of broadcast. Here are some of the "news stories" they're still working on:

• Anyone who officiates a lesbian wedding at any time receives a "hail Satan" t-shirt and an Indigo Girls CD box set.

• California have created small voting booths to place between the legs of illegal immigrant mothers giving birth so that when the baby is born, he can vote Democratic.

• Every photo posted on Imgur has an embedded invisible watermark that reads "BIDEN 2020".

• The Great Pacific garbage patch is actually an ISIS submarine covered in Kenyan birth certificates.

• The 2018 Mazda CX-3 crossover is a conspiracy of styling, engineering and practicality! (Sponsored by Mazda USA)

• Most women's nipples have a webcam used to blackmail radio show hosts into paying for their beauty school tuition.

• The inventor of Spanx is a democrat. Therefore, wearing Spanx will cause you to have an abortion.

6 Lies Told By The Diggerland Brochure

1) "Buckets of fun for everyone!" Not fun for people who already work 12 hour shifts in construction.

2) This is just a redneck Disneyland ride, isn't it? The kind you see on YouTube? Yeah.

3) "The Best Parties In The World." Apparently they neglected to count the Roman Emperor Caligula's pret-ty insane parties in 38 A.D.

4) "Family Outings." I don't know about you, but if I were homosexual and wanted to announce it to my family, I certainly wouldn't use a park full of steamrollers and backhoes as my venue.

5) Child labor laws in New Jersey do exist, despite what the signage at the front gate will tell you.

6) "DIG all year" and "Open March to December." Does that make any sense to you? These goddam architects with their imprecise language. How can we get anything done with those ivory tower assholes contradicting themselves?! STRIKE!!!

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The ProofrEADJer: Squeaky Clean Anus Edition

Here's What The Hallmark Channel Is Shitting Out For Christmas This Year

Lonely fat hoarders with dozens of cats will enjoy this year's offerings of The Hallmark Channel's holiday soon-to-be classics as part of their Hallmark® Countdown To Suicide Christmas. Here is what to expect on Channel 589:

"A Very Merry Mix-Up" starring Alicia Witt and Mark Wiebe.

Two holiday travelers stuck at the same layover accidentally switch roller bags, resulting in the cavity search of one and the unconstitutional rendition of the other to Guantanamo Bay.

"Baby's First Christmas" staring Casper Van Dien and Rachel Wilson

An abortion doctor meets the girl of his dreams, but realizes she wants to terminate her pregnancy, which happens to be divinely conceived and due on December 25. WHAT TO DO??????

"Lucky Christmas" starring Elizabeth Berkley and Jason Gray-Standford.

A struggling actress tries to live down playing a stripper in the biggest critical and box office bomb of the last century by doing a harmless Christmas-themed TV movie with some nobodies.

"12 Dates of Christmas" starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Amy Smart

A white girl and a white boy meet in Central Park and do a bunch of white things in the white snow. Soundtrack by Isaac Hayes and Parliament.

"My Dog's Christmas Miracle" starring Cynthia Gibb (who?), Greg Evigan (who?), Kendall Ryan Sanders (who?), and Ashley Leggat (who?)

A deceased family dog returns after being buried in nearby Indian burial grounds and proves to be more than a handful for this orderly, Christian home! Also, check out Mom's tits.

"Northpole" starring Tiffani Thiessen and Josh Hopkins

Scarves, hats, and jackets come together on top of a group of human hosts.

Frankly, there are SO MANY of these crap films that we don't have the time or inclination to cover all of them:

Hey Bayer

Hey Bayer

You don't have to put a legal super on your ads that say "Scientist portrayed by an actor" if you've already cast an actor that is too rugged and good looking to be a scientist.

That guy looks ridiculous. He looks like a lumberjack who stole a lab coat from behind a Clinique make up counter. Hmm, maybe get that guy to tent his fingers while he's talking will make him seem more knowledgable...

Just for your reference for future Bayer ads, here is a photo of real life scientist Dr. Ahmed Chadli, biochemist in the MCG Center for Molecular Chaperones/Radiobiology and Cancer Virology at the Medical College of Georgia. Maybe you could cast him instead of Michael Bolton there.

Also, Bayer, thanks for creating heroin.

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.

Learning About New Cultures

I'm pretty sure lots of people just don't get Americans.