A Vegan Peeve

I'm sure it's for legal reasons, but I hate it when vegetarian/vegan companies purposely misspell their products as a WINK that they're not really what they're pretending to be. They use descriptors like Turk'y, Chick'n or Saus'age, trying SO hard to sound tasty, but ultimately making me gag, thinking of it all tasting like soy ass.

UAG

What You Say, Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup?

Whether this is roundup #10 or #11 isn't important. What is important is that my asshole burns like a piping hot tabasco enema.


Brand: Isabel 500
Label: A dove flying over a bunch of white flowers.
Feels Like: Giving up the Holy Ghost.


Brand: Aero Soft 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Label: Pleasant script typeface, blue marble-y textured background.
Feels Like: Actually wiping your ass with crumbled marble.


Brand: PRECIOUS Facial Quality 500 Two-Ply
Label: Gollum-green label. Background that resembles the dark clouds over Mount Doom.
Feels Like: Destroying my "One Ring" in molten lava.


Brand: North River
Label: Unassuming yellowish beige-y color.
Feels Like: Wiping with a dead mule's crumbling dick.


Brand: "Bath Tissue"
Label: What appears to be football field yard lines.
Feels Like: Your asshole getting tackled by that kid from "The Blind Side."


Brand: Sofitelle Soft & Absorbent
Label: Named after a high class hotel where a maid got raped
Feels Like: Getting raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF


Brand:D&S
Label: Mysterious initials, a heart, and also flowers stolen from the Isabel 500 label.
Feels Like: Burns like a M.F. right in the A-hole.


Brand: Quali-T Toilet Tissue
Label: A masculine blue label with an industrial logo
Feels Like: Straddling a pro-wrestler's belt


Brand:Preferred Plus Bathroom Tissue, Single Roll
Label: A yellow puddle overlapping a blue puddle. Is that supposed to be piss?
Feels Like: Wiping with your child's treasured origami collection


Brand: Mancini Trading Plush 2-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Label: What appears to be a cherry hanging from some wheat. Great God.
Feels Like: Exactly that. Wiping with a stalk of wheat with a cherry hanging from it.


Brand: WS500 Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Label: The Windows 7 Desktop Photo, and a very friendly brand name.
Feels Like: You're not really trying to wipe your ass.



"Luxurious and Embossed!"


Brand: Bay West
Label: As generic as they get
Feels Like: Michael Bay exploding your anus with C4 strapped to paper


Brand: ROLLMASTR
Label: BIG INDUSTRL SPOOL
Feels Like: RLLY RLLY HRTS


Brand: Generic Seattle-scene Grunge Toilet Paper
Label: None. They reject labels.
Feels Like: Wiping with Eddie Vedder's old burlap poncho


Brand: Windsoft
Label: Flowing blue graphics, and the promise of "A Touch of Tenderness"
Feels Like: That goddamn toilet paper was lying.


Brand: Optima Double Soft Floral Embossed Bath Tissue
Label: Green marble. Like that lobby in "The Matrix"
Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a knife

Ahem.

Submitted by Bill Dow, from the Ryan Adams show at the Fillmore: