I Went To the Doctor's Office Recently

The receptionist was rude. The doctor was inattentive.

But at least the space heater in the examination room was friendly.

InfoWars's Upcoming Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and InfoWars continue their assault on reality with a new slew of conspiracy stories designed to both outrage the gullible and make them feel smart. Here's what the head writers are working on for next week's tripe:

• Pan pizza is short for "Panama Pizza" which secretly funds the Democratic Revolutionary Party (PRD) in Panama.

• Dental X-rays don't exist. Dentists only make you bite down on those uncomfortable pieces of foam to PUNISH you for being a PATRIOT.

• Digital marketing agencies are working to send you subliminal web banners that tell you to watch liberal programs like "Blue's Clues" and "The Wild Thornberrys"

• Jane says hi

• The Deep State global elitists are secretly working double shifts at Bennigan's to make more money to afford an apartment with a laundry in the same building

A Complete List of Things To Say At A Gender Reveal Party

1) "Oh! It's gonna be a boy! Congratulations!"

2) "Did you think it was going to be a boy?"

3) "Did you think it was going to be a girl?"

4)

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

10-∞)

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• "Magnum P.I., The Reboot Reboot"

• "A Pinch of Ass"

• "Scurry"

• "Adventures in Botulism"

• "Incarcerated Scarfaces"

• "BULLET! The PowerPoint Documentary"

• "Valley Elderly Lady" starring Moon Unit Zappa

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• "All the Dumb Characters In Sitcoms, Now In One Big Dumb Sitcom"

• "FBI: Potatoes"

• "Magic: The Gathering: The Movie: The Series"

• "Two In the Pink"

• "New Jersey Astronauts: To Infinity and Bayonne!"

• "Realistic Lesbians of Cell Block C"

Let's Put Grease in The Greaseless EADJ Mail Sack And Sue The Manufacturer When We Get Our Hands Burned!

Submitted by Andrew, via SMS:

"I don't understand why this exists"

The Mysteries of Life

Pictured below, two dudes at Bed Bath & Beyond cannot believe the Dyson bladeless fan.




Similarly,

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 1

(cue irritating banjo music)

You'd be surprised how many lost or discarded business cards you find just lying around. These are all real people's addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses exposed out in the open, vulnerable to identity theft.

That's why we here at EADJ have developed the Project Hillbilly Teeth Project. It's a non-profit organization devoted to preemptively picking up all these lost business cards and building passes to foil identity thieves. We send a random, confusing letter to the business card owners, along with a free set of "Bubba" hillbilly teeth, just because we can. The following will show you how the Hillbilly Teeth Project works and makes a real difference in so many people's lives.


The first business card was found in a cab in Manhattan:



The second we found at a Jersey train station:



With our real estate broker, we decided to go with the apologetic "unfilled-order-with-compensation-hillbilly-teeth" approach:

(click to enlarge)

Our infectious diseases doctor offered us an opportunity for a more vocational approach. One that hinted at a job search of some kind. A North Carolina-based hospital seemed like an appropriate segue into the enclosed hillbilly teeth.

(click to enlarge)

A quick packing up, and we're reading to mail!




Since we wisely did not leave a return address of any kind, we realize that we'll never hear a 'thank you' from the people that we help. But, you know, that's not why we do it. We're doing it for the LOVE. For knowing that we've touched people's lives with hillbilly teeth. That they are just as confused as we imagine them to be.

And although this is purely speculative, here is a rendering of what I imagine Mr. M and Dr. C would look like trying on the "Bubba" hillbilly teeth:



And so ends phase 1 of Project Hillbilly Teeth. 2 down, dozens more to go.



(end irritating banjo music)

Bill Dow is Indirectly Responsible For This

Spotted in Quincy, IL (????), an ad for a transmission repair place:


This begs several questions:

• They know what a tranny is in Quincy, right?
• So they know that they named their entire business around a tranny joke, right?
• And they know that their target audience probably aren't trannies, right?
• And they can't be completely surprised if someone completely misguided sees this ad with the clip art doctor thinking it's actually a tranny clinic, right?
• Uh, that isn't a real tranny clinic, or is it?
• Why did they have to move?

What Matt Thinks 3: The Return of the King

Oh Jeez.

Why? Why is he so sexy? How can I have these feelings?

So sexy. Sexy. Very extremely sexy. Hard to grapple with these feelings of confusion and desire. Must not want him. So sexy.

Tough to deal with, these urges. But it's his sexy, rippling body that's sending these signals to me. So sexy. Extremely, very sexy. So tan!

Jeans. Tight jeans now. So sexy. Mind racing. Heart pounding. Sexy. That Doctor Dude is doing a real number on me. Can't feel my extremities. Getting dizzy.

Must look away. But burned in my retinas, his sexy physique. Taut, firm and bronzed. He's a doctor, too. Plus, apparently he owns a boat.

Damn you, in flight magazine advertising!