The ProofrEADJer: Augustus Editionus

It's "Hillary," idiot.

Dear Tara, 

If you insist on putting the word "gourmet" on everything, at least spell it right once.

The Maddening Complexities of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Commuting to New York from New Jersey is both a frustrating and harrowing ordeal, twice a day. NJ Transit has attempted to gauge riders' satisfaction levels with an online survey, and here is the flyer that they placed on all the train seats one morning:

So, neat. A survey brochure. I was about to simply throw this thing away until I noticed the odd configuration of the people in the photo. Something about the way they were engaging was unnatural, artistic or subconsciously obscene. Or all three. Here now we dissect this photo, the possible motivations of each person in the photo, and the overall message that it's trying to convey.

In order to explore all the intricacies and subtleties of this photo, however, it is important that we tag the people in the shot. The following is an arbitrary assignment for clarification purposes. These are not the real names of the models. We'll find those out one day.

"Jesse" represents the everyman spectator. He is content observing the action from a distance, allowing himself sufficient time to react before jumping in.

"Jess" is more of an engager. Basking in the glow of the giant orange starburst, her extroverted ways allow her to seize moments and even cause change. Her spirit animal is the gazelle.

"Angie" is the out-of-touch introvert. She longs for social interaction- and perhaps even a moment of intimacy- but her shyness and the fact that she's stuck in another row keep her from achieving her goals. She gets shit for pay.

"Trina" is the jezebel flirt. With her tits out and her head thrown back, she uses her feminine wiles to advance her agenda, whether it be get into the boss' pants or get into the boss' brother's pants. What a hoo-ore.

"Don With The Thumbs" shares the same situation as "Angie" but acts to better himself. He actively throws himself over into the conversation, becoming THE focal point of the entire picture. His shameless two thumbs point everyone's eyeline his way. Some may describe his methods as crude and Macchiavellian.

"Simon Peter" is what's known as a 'passive enforcer.' He tries nobly to redirect the energy of the train car back into the originally intended center of the group. His role here is a foil to "Don With The Thumbs," arguably to little effect.

Some of you might notice that there is both a "Jesse" and a "Jess," which could lead to confusion. Why would we name two people next to each other so similarly when we had tens of thousands of other names to pick instead? Good question.

And for those of you who deal in Tarot cards, here are the character analogs:

Jesse = Judgement

Jess = Strength

Angie = The Hermit

Trina = The High Priestess

Don With The Thumbs = Death

Simon Peter = The Fool

The overall chi of the train car can also be observed and measured, as the following chart indicates, assigning attention points per interaction:

The complexities of this photo can be appreciated even more when placed in context with other seemingly unrelated items. For example, here is a picture hanging in a New York Au Bon Pain (it means "of the bread"):

Now, watch what happens when we take this innocent photo and overlay it on the NJ Transit brochure:

Boom! The composition is virtually identical! Jesse turns into a pretzel loaf, Jess becomes the fluffy pumpernickel, Angie turns into an oversized bagel, Trina melds into a San Francisco sourdough, and Simon Peter's pointing finger becomes a serrated knife with sweetrolls. UNCANNY.

As we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the meaning, context and cultural repercussions of this amazing photo, we will continue to examine the layers of meaning in this masterwork in installments, i.e. EADJ blog segments.

I Think This Counts As A "Turkey."

Picture above, a very rare photo taken on the NJ Transit train: 3 people in a row reading PRINTED BOOKS.

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.