Asking the Important Questions

Young MC’s video for “Bust a Move” is misleading. The lyrics have the main character hook up with a “bridesmaid” at a wedding, but the video shows the guy running away with the bride.

So which is it, Young MC?

"If You Never Heal From What Hurt You, You'll Bleed on Pathmark Who Didn't Cut You."

It's Time To Say Goodbye To More Crap That Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Preview of Next Week's Info Wars Conspiracies

Alex Jones is like Charlie Brown, except rounder, more racist and less popular. His talented team of writers are currently cooking up new bullshit conspiracies for Alex to feed to his awaiting dumb listeners. Here is a taste of what they have in store for next week:

• Skim milk is just whole milk with one liter of contact lens saline solution mixed in.

• San Francisco's famous Lombard Street is windy on purpose to ruin people's tires and have them hopefully run over some hobos at the bottom. This is how San Francisco deals with its homeless.

• If you let a baby's crib mobile turn counter clockwise instead of clockwise, it will grow up to be a progressive socialist commie.

• Chicks with A-cup bras are either lesbians or men in drag. Also, they're not attracted to Alex Jones.

• All of North Korea's nuclear launch codes are the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's 1985 song "Part Time Lover" scrambled slightly.

• Malignant mesothelioma is not caused by asbestos exposure. Rather, it is the result of NOT COLLECTING ENOUGH BEANIE BABIES IN THE NINETIES

• You crazy, man.

• Most chestnuts are raised by a small Satanist collective in Maine. They are blessed and distributed by atheists and witches to poison the stomachs and minds of white Christian children.

Well, Which Is It, Kid?

Friggin future politician over here.

So How's Alice Gainer Doing On Channel 10/55/Whatever?

A few weeks ago we reported on the reporter Alice Gainer now holding down the desk at WLNY 10/55 instead of breaking up Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson, the best damned news team ever. So how is our former homewrecker doing over there?

 

Holdin' it down.

Gettin' it done.

Makin' it happen.

Readin' that prompter.

Reportin' those headlines.

Catchin' it live.

Doin' it up right.

Kickin' ass and takin' names. Also, reportin' those names.

Shakin' shit up.

Throwin' it all out there.

Takin' it as it comes.

Gleamin' the cube.

Maskin' the tape.

And AG isn't the only one moonlighting. Correspondent Tracee Carrasco (try typing that five times fast) is also burning the candle at both networks, working a sensible blouse by day...

And the Kermit the Frog reporter overcoat at night. Serious!

This, of course, frees Kristine Johnson up to pose for flower seed packet point of purchase displays.

From The Studio That Brought You "Jet Fuel," "Dark Magic," and "Kenya Kilimandjaro."

Having run out of ideas for movies after pillaging every comic book, novel and TV show for film ideas, movie studios have grown desperate, using everything from board games to Disney theme park rides to even break room coffee flavors as the basis for a movie script. The next step was only a matter of time: yes, the names of wildflower seeds from a Pathmark display in Union, New Jersey. Here now are movies that have been greenlighted for 2013 release:


"10 Grecian Windflowers"
It's "Eat Pray Love" meets "Leap Year." Isla Fisher travels to Greece to get away from her hectic marketing job and to "soak in the culture." What she ends up soaking in is the manly mixture of juices of John Stamos. Rwaawrr! Also starring Maria Menounos and Olympia Dukakis as the disapproving mother.


"5 Dutch Master Daffodils"
This Guy Ritchie heist picture stars Vinnie Jones as a cigar smuggler who has to hide at a floral shop run by Paulina Porizkova and Yvonne Strahovski but learns about kindness in the process. David Morse and Charlie Murphy play the two federal agents trying to find him. No deer allowed.


"I, Dahlia"
This erotic art film helmed by Tarsem stars Kathryn Morris as a young woman who stumbles upon her estranged uncle's (Ed Harris) prostitution ring in a remote town in Calgary. "Dinner plate size blooms" created by Stan Winston Studios. Julie Bowen as the prostitute with dinner plate size nipples.


"3 Lilies"
Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler, and Harland Williams dress in drag again, pretending to be a nonexistent sorority to earn enough credit to have money for something or other. Featuring Selma Blair and Ellen Page as the real sorority girls who had no idea that those were dudes! Directed by Brett Ratner in a fat suit.


"10 Anemones"
Pixar returns to the sea with this high adventure starring a motley crew of misfit underwater flowering plants who stumble upon a real life pirate treasure map. Featuring the voices of Christian Slater (Bubble Tip Anemone), Christian Laettner (Long Tentacle Anemone), Christian Bale (Saddle Anemone), Christian Magdu (Adhesive Sea Anemone), Hayden Christensen (Darth Vader Anemone) and David Cross (Giant Carpet Anemone).

"10 Sparaxis"
Chris Evans and Eva Green race against time in this futuristic tri-color psychological thriller. A killer horde of ten robots named "Sparaxis" invade Greenwich Village, and it's up to a pair of hip, friendly baristas to take a stand and defend their fair trade turf.

"The Hardy Perennials: Come Back Every Year"
Tom Hanks is the coach of the Hardy High Perennials, the most winningest varsity football team in state history with a star quarterback (Zac Efron), some great linebackers (Anthony Anderson and Ethan Suplee) and a kicker with a shoooort fuse (Charlie Day)! Bonnie Bedelia plays his tired wife, Liatris.

Let's Scrub The Barnacles Off the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, an ad in the Village Voice asks the question, "What would Voltaire's classic play be like if the protagonist had weird lady hands?"

Congratulations, Jessica!

Last night, Jessica got engaged to a dog with cataracts who would rather watch SportsCenter. Congratulations to the happy couple!