EADJ Surprising Hostility: Duck Handled Umbrellas

You've seen 'em in stores. You've spotted them in terrible catalogs. You've even seen fat, un-marry-able women carrying them on overcast days. They're duck-handled umbrellas, and they're more annoying than they are charming.

No, let me change that. They're 80 times more annoying than they are charming. Meaning for whatever slight amusement they give one owner, they make 80 people want to kill them.

What's the attraction? "Hey, everybody, I've got a surprising, whimsical handle on my umbrella!" No, you're carrying around a perfectly functional umbrella that's been ruined by a lapse in good taste.

"Nice weather for ducks" is the expression I imagine duck-handled umbrellas are referencing. And what an archaic, unfunny "Family Circus" expression it is. Why not make an "I Dunno" or a "Not Me" umbrella instead? Do you understand that reference? You suck.

"Well, maybe they're for children," you might propose. No, if those umbrellas were really for children, they'd have Spider-Man handles and My Pretty Ponies printed all over the umbrella itself with an embedded playable Nintendo in the shaft. No, a real umbrella for kids would actually be fun, not a half-assed, hastily-painted carving of a duck's head. The people who own these types of umbrellas aren't allowed anywhere near children.

Even more detailed, more expensive versions of the duck-handled umbrella are tacky and unnecessary. All they do is make people question your judgement even more. Fuck duck-handled umbrellas with an angry, rain-soaked mallard penis.

A Short List of Things Joel Hates

Since we haven't heard from the eponymous Joel in a while, here's a recent list he submitted of things he hates:


Joel also hates:

• Not eating dick
• Eating dick and it's over already
• Thinking you ate dick but turns out you didn't
• Never having enough dick sauce handy
• Asking for dick sauce and the waiter gives you duck sauce
• Eating duck without dick
• Eating dick and there's duck all up in it for some reason
• The blog Eat A Duck Joel
• Knowing there's so much uneaten dick out there
• The phrase "chunk o' change." So lame, people!
• Anti-dick
• People who drive Jaguars and think they're all that
• Waiters who are chintzy with the dick

Fort Dicks

Joel's chimp servant took a sabbatical to visit his family in Finland. So Joel had the apartment to himself all week, microwaving dick for himself and watching The Oxygen Network.

Imagine his surprise when he came across an old rerun of Wicked Wicked Games, a canceled series that he helped write one episodes for for the MyNetwork! Time had given Joel some perspective, and after about 18 minutes, he realized how terrible a premise it was: a soap opera about practicing witches. As Travis Parr would say, "Dummmbbb!"

Joel then realized that the shitty series had been playing on Oxygen for months now, and he hadn't received any residuals for the airings. A quick phone call to Oxygen got him the CEO M. Duckworth, a leggy brunette with a raspy voice and a heart of gold.

"Joel, we screwed you over, I admit," said M. over Joel's speakerphone, "But I'll make it up to you. How about a coupon for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut?"

Knowing this dame drove a hard bargain, and this was as good as it was gonna get, Joel swallowed his pride (with some dick) and accepted the peace offering. The coupon is in the mail for next Tuesday! Score??

(pictured above, A wedding hall in New Jersey exudes class with its whimsical yet classy (not to mention classy) signage.)

Happy Three-Days-After-Earth Day!

Joel spent Three-Days-After-Earth-Day reminding people to eat all of their dick, so as not to waste.

He placed a two-page spread ad in Los Angeles Confidential Magazine (the April issue with Courteney Cox on the cover looking like a lion) extolling the virtues of eating dick versus burning coal. He even got an a cherry picker crane and pointed at a rising chart like Al Gore did in that buddy cop movie.

"Burning coal is polluting the air faster than cancer, Mallobars and tin combined," Joel muttered incoherently, "My very eager mother just served us nine pickles."

When reminded that Pluto was no longer considered a planet, Joel replied, "My very eager mother just served us nilla wafers."

When told that there was no planet that started with the letter W, Joel took his pants off and showed the googly eyes he had glued to his testicles.