Upcoming Exhibits at Next Month's CES

The Consumer Electronics Show opens next month in Amarillo, TX. Here are the newest exhibitors and exciting products scheduled to appear:

• a poker card shuffler powered by hope

• an easy to operate remote control for older people who think the fireplace is the TV

• DIGITAL SPANX

• Actor David Boreanaz announces the BOREANAZ-TV, a 4K OLED television designed to stream exclusive David Boreanaz-related content and news 24 hours a day

• an electronic window washer that will electronically watch you bathe

• a new Ring doorbell that will shoot tranquilizer darts at porch pirates

Feed a Meter, Eat a Dick

Joel got punched in the throat by a meter maid.

The incident happened yesterday on La Cienega Blvd when Joel was parking his Ford Festiva outside of Republic Restaurant + Lounge for a Terrible Screenwriters Guild dinner. A posted sign stated "No parking from 11am-5pm Mondays thru Fridays" and Joel parked at 5:10pm. In the middle of dinner, he left the restaurant for a smoke, and a meter maid was writing him a ticket!

Joel understandably got upset and started to argue with the meter maid. He explained that he had parked at a legal time and didn't deserve a ticket. The meter maid started ripping up the ticket and casually asked Joel what he does for a living.

He told her he's a screenwriter– that he's written for shows like "According To Jim" and "Wicked Wicked Games." That's when the meter maid punched him in the throat.

(pictured above, Joel's Chinese cousin Xiu Huang Whatever wins a cockdog eating contest)

Genuine Reaction Time.

(pictured above, whilst watching a segment on Oprah about polygamy, J'Net gets upset because there are no women with multiple husbands. I mean, where's the equality?!?)

Feet Fay Fick Foel

In an ongoing effort to keep his weight off, Joel has requested all potential dick-eatees to not slather their dicks in gravy or ranch dressing.

"It's very thoughtful of you fellas to add a little something to the mix, and I do appreciate the gesture," Joel said in a booth in a Bob Evans off the freeway, "But a man's gotta keep his figure down, and too many fatty condiments add up. Especially when I'm eating like 800 in one sitting, BURP."

Since 2003, Joel has lost a total 48 lbs. and is now at a very agile 130 lbs. 132 if he has two dicks in his mouth.

In response to Joel's new request, many local eateries and grocery stores are now offering a "No Trans Fat" version of a popular lime tequila dick eating sauce.

(pictured above, Al Roker has the unmitigated Andrew GALL to tell people to eat healthier when all he did was cheat via gastric bypass surgery)