NEW: More Secret Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Membership to the AMC Stubs Rewards program has its privileges. Here are just a few of the latest new benefits you can have by signing up now:

• We'll bail you out if you ever get arrested. No judgements, no questions asked, m'man.

• Secret handshake with a black member of our staff

• Fine. We will validate your stupid parking

• You can come up to our projection booth and blow Terry

• Free Dustbuster to suck up free candy from the seats

• We will tattoo the title of your favorite Jessica Tandy movie on your chest

• If you fall asleep at any time, we will rewind the movie for you and tell anyone that complains to fuck off

• Knife hands. Yeah, you heard right.

• If you are in an AMC prison, free conjugal visits every month

• We will force the Pokémon Company in Japan to name one after you

And Lo And Behold: Racist Appliances!

Fiverr Deliverrs Againn!

This time, I hired the skills of user genious_studio to create an LP cover mockup for $5. Here's what he came up with.

I like the twerking one a little better. Because the balls are implied by the shape of the sexy ass.

Looks Legit

Pictured above, spotted in Milburn, New Jersey, what looks to be a woodland animal kidnapper van.

The Amazing "Lazaretto" Ultra LP

On June 6, Jack White & Third Man Records unveiled the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP, which is a vinyl record with a ton of amazing innovations:

• 180 gram vinyl
• 2 vinyl-only hidden tracks hidden beneath the center labels
• 1 hidden track plays at 78 RPM, one plays at 45 RPM, making this a 3-speed record
• Side A plays from the outside in
• Dual-groove technology: plays an electric or acoustic intro for “Just One Drink” depending on where needle is dropped. The grooves meet for the body of the song.
• Matte finish on Side B, giving the appearance of an un-played 78 RPM record
• Both sides end with locked grooves
• Vinyl pressed in seldom-used "flat-edged" format
• Dead wax area on Side A contains a hand-etched hologram by Tristan Duke of Infinity Light Science, the first of its kind on a vinyl record
• Absolutely zero compression used during recording, mixing and mastering
• Different running order from the CD/digital version
• LP utilizes some mixes different from those used on CD and digital version

Video here:


And a mere 5 days after the release, even more secrets of the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP have been discovered/announced:

• Listeners have reported that playing the track "Temporary Ground" makes all dogs who hear it ejaculate
• The record has "anti-scratch" technology, meaning that any DJ who tries to scratch it on their turntable breaks out in hives and terrorizing visions
• Record sleeve doubles as a taco shell
• Cover artwork is printed with special narcotic ink that can be distilled and shot directly into one's veins
• A separate LP can be purchased featuring the drum track recorded by Meg White and is surprisingly more listenable
• Can be hung from the ceiling as a beautiful but ineffective dreamcatcher
• Is 4" wider than a regular LP, forcing you to buy a new bookcase, goddammit all
• Actual pieces of wreckage from the RMS Lusitania are embedded inside each vinyl record. Collect all 400,000 copies of "Lazaretto" to rebuild the legendary ship yourself!
• Playing the album 100 times will summon Jack White to your house, where he'll brag and say douchey things about other musicians before doing a live set in your living room, caterwauling and pretending that he invented the blues.

EADJ Crappinema Presents The Man From Button Willow

Just because a movie is animated- a medium that often requires meticulous frame-by-frame incremental moves- doesn't mean its creators don't take huge short cuts and even rip off other sources to create a subpar product. "The Man From Button Willow" aspires to be a charming, folksy account of the fictional legend of Justin Eagle (who I hadn't heard of) and his adventures as a Senate Investigator in the 1800's. The problem is that the animators overpopulated the scene with too many unnecessary "cute" animals doing a bunch of unnecessary bullshit, ultimately bogging down the story line and making me start cutting myself again.



The following is lifted verbatim from the intro to the film:

"Hi there. I'm Dale Robertson. Some of you may remember me from "Tales of Wells Fargo." Right now I'd like to tell you a little about the picture you're going to see. Shortly after the Civil War, one of the major projects in this country was to join the east to the west with a great railroad- the greatest the world has ever known. There were many problems: the weather, the terrain, the Indians. But one of the biggest problems was a group of men who were known as land grabbers, men who would jump out ahead of the railroad and buy up all the land and attempt to charge the government fantastic prices for it. Such a man was Montgomery Blaine.


"In an effort to put a stop to this, the government sent out Senate Investigators. Such a man was Senator Freeman. And many times these Senate Investigators didn't return. So in order to protect them, the government put together a special team of men whose job was so secretive that even their own families didn't know what they did. And such a man was Justin Eagle, who was known as the Man From Button Willow. And this is his story."











































After the four minutes were up, it moved on to PART TWO with another 20 minutes of shitty cartoon. Motherfucker.





























Was "The Man From Button Willow" the worst animated movie ever? Probably not. Was it bad enough to be going for $1.99 at the cut-out bin at a random supermarket? Totally. Would you ever recommend this cartoon to anyone else? Look, I'm not an asshole, okay?

Overall grade: F