A Rebuttal of Hall & Oates's "Maneater," From The Alleged Maneater, Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan

Listen, guys– Daryl and John, is it? I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'm guessing you two are attracted to me and all, and I'm supposed to be flattered, but frankly, it's disturbing and pathetic and you two need to leave me alone. I've been coming into this bar for weeks now and think all this unwanted attention from you is pretty much harassment at this point. Here now is my point-by-point rebuttal of what you two have been saying about me:

1) I "only come out at night" because the bar is only open at night, from 7pm-2am. It says so on the sign, dummies.

2) "the lean and hungry type"? Is that skinny shaming? I did have a tapeworm 5 years ago.

3) "Ooh, she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door" I was waiting for my friend Tammy that night. We were going to have some jalapeño poppers before that new Sandra Bullock movie. You two sat down and started the conversation.

4) "So many have paid to see / what you think you're getting for free" Now look. I appreciate that you paid for the jalapeño poppers but had NO IDEA you expected sexual favors in return. Then turn around and imply I'm some kind of prostitute? Classy, guys.

5) "(Oh here she comes) watch out boy she'll chew you up (Oh here she comes) She's a maneater" Cute. I turn you guys down once and all of a sudden I'm this out of control Jezebel. I regret accepting the jalapeño poppers if I knew this is how you'd react.

6) "Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart" This is some classic bullshit. The skinny blonde guy and the short dude with the porn mustache creep me out at a bar, but I'm the demon for not responding to their weak game. You guys are assholes. And by the way, a saxophone solo is not sexy- it's cheesy AF.

EADJ Etiquette Center Presents An Etiquette Pop Quiz

POP QUIZ: A person in front of you is finishing up at the soda fountain station and is getting a top and straw for their beverage. You need more ice and Coca Cola for your drink. Do you:

a) squeeze by her and get both

b) get the ice but not the Coke, because it's too close to her

c) WAIT YOU FUCKING TURN AND HOLD YOUR GODDAMNED HORSES FOR MAYBE 20 SECONDS. SHIT, ARE YOU DYING OF THIRST, YOU HORRIBLE, IMPATIENT ANIMAL? TAKE A FRIGGIN' CHILL PILL AND oh, she done now.

Answer: c

UAG

The Last Two Weeks In Hip Hop Awfulness

Hey Cease, when a bevy of whores is grabbing for your junk, maybe it's not a good time to giggle like a schoolgirl.

One good way to see Alpha Centauri without a high-powered telescope is to rub your eyes for 10 minutes straight.

Karla spilled an entire pumpkin spice latte all over the hotel room and didn't even tip housekeeping. Bitch.

THOSE STAINS AT THE THEATRE? THAT AIN'T BUTTER.

"What the fuck, guys? I'm gone for a day, and you two leave the apartment a disaster?! I'm not even gone for 24 hours, and there's foot powder, Reader's Digest magazines, and bags of garbage piled up in the foyer. You guys are hoarders- there's no other word for it, man."

Stock search:" Labor." First result. Boom.

"Is this the real life / is this just fantasy / caught in a landslide…"

Stefani opens her ass cheeks to fart more quietly in the Champagne Room.

Plies is such a dedicated producer, there isn't even room for a CHAIR in his mixing booth!

"Hey, sorry fellas, but you know those exotic Lamborghinis you wanted for your album cover shoot? Well, all we could afford are some motorized Barbie Corvettes from Pep Boys. You'll make do, right?"

I guess if you don't care about proper lighting, basic human size proportions, glowing shoulders, or the fact that the photo of the car you used has reflections from a car show, this is a pretty decent album cover.

I can't tell if M.O.P. is "Free Parking" or "Go Directly To Jail." But it's nice to see how ballin' Monopoly Guy can be.

"Sponsored by Trukfit and Microsoft." That sounds unlikely but I'm too lazy to Google confirmation.

Puff Daddy? He's still around? Are those lines of foot powder?

Pro tip: If you're going to wear a black tie, make sure your facial hair doesn't also look exactly like a black tie.

No change. That cover is awesome.

"Hey, you guys are so far away! Come on up closer to the stage! It's an all ages show- there's no need to be so far back! Come closer, guys, we're going to spin some fun music over here! Okay, whenever you feel like it- there's plenty of room here by the monitors. We're also selling CDs for $5 after the show."

This was the best shot the photographer could take, because PartyNextDoor had to pee really badly and insisted on using his bathroom at home even though the photographer assured him the studio bathroom was perfectly clean.

Now, that's a real shame the guy with a "B" on his hat didn't stand between the guy with the "A" on his hat and the guy with the "C" on his hat. Missed opportunity there.

Meet your new Zumba instructor at Curves: Malissa! Malissa is a licensed Zumba, Zumba Toning, and Aqua Zumba instructor with a ton of energy and a boombox full of terrific workout tunes! Malissa comes from Brookfield, Connecticut and loves being fit and healthy, and she's got what it takes to get you on YOUR FEET and working ON YOUR CORE! The sign up sheet is located outside room 206.

Oh, that's a new hand signal. What does it mean.

Weird. This was all done by hand, but it still somehow feels lazier than one of those Photoshop jobs.

Racist Appliances Can Survive.

UAG

I'm Not Sure Exactly What's Wong With Me.

Adriana Lima Is Unimpressed, As Always.

Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima has traveled the globe, gracing many a catwalk from Milan to Morocco. So it takes a lot to get her to raise an eyebrow.


Serious Backhoe Stunt Driving at the 2008 MotoLive Show:



Adriana Lima does not know what that large machine is or what it is designed to do, so she doesn't feel like that is really that amazing a feat. Sorry.


Lars and Jens Rasmussen, the original creators of Google Maps, will soon be launching Google Wave, an all-new way to collaborate online via text, photos, videos, maps and more, all live, harnessing the power of HTML 5.


Adriana Lima heard the word "wave" and automatically starting thinking about body surfing on Ipanema beach in Rio De Janeiro. So she wasn't really listening to whatever you were talking about after that.



Wildlife officials in Portland, Oregon have installed a robotic elk to catch poachers. The decoy is the first robotic elk in the Wildlife Enforcement Decoy program, which began in 1991. Officials said the program targets nighttime or closed-season poachers.


Adriana Lima once attended a perfume premier at a robot wine bar in St. Petersburg. The wine was not poured by robots, however. Kind of a disappointment, really. She also has never heard of an "elk." Do they make fur from that? Whatever. Where's her phone?


The Telegraph reports that a man impersonating KFC founder Colonel Sanders managed to dupe his way into the UN headquarters in New York and shake hands with a senior official.


Okay, okay. You got Adriana there. That is pretty fucking impressive.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Now, you can see, gentleman– and lady– on this next hologram that the All Terrain Armored Transport, or 'AT-AT' for short, features extremely heavy armor and armaments. The Imperial Department of Military Research are very proud of this latest assault walker design, and...excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Aren't you Anne Murray?"
"Yes."
"Wait. Anne Murray the singer?! How did you get into this Imperial officer weapons briefing (I'm a really big fan, by the way) ?"
"(Thanks) Well, I don't know, the door was open, and I guess I got off on the wrong floor..."
"What are you talking about, Anne Murray? This is the Death Star, a heavily guarded, self-contained space station in the middle of space! There's no possible way you could have just wandered into this room!"
"I have all your albums."
"Well, I'm afraid we might be forced to detain you, Mrs. Murray. But we must continue with the briefing."
"Please, continue. I find this very interesting."
"Thanks. Ahem. Now, the AT-AT is designed for the dual purpose of crushing and demoralizing enemy forces, but also as a transport for troops and light vehicles. And because of its heavy armor and stature, it can well be the first vehicle deployed to a combat zone. Jerjerrod!"
"Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Mrs. Murray, I have to ask, why was the album I'll Be Seeing You released only in Canada and not elsewhere? It's one of my favorites."
"We can't have this discussion now. Or ever! It isn't canon!"
"What's canon?"
"You know, what's allowed in the Star Wa...this universe."
"Have you heard her version of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter? It's fantastic."
"Thanks!"
"I'm sure it's wonderful. You know, I think we all need a break now. Let's meet up in fifteen minutes. Guards, take Mrs. Murray to Cell Block 1138. And Jerjerrod, can I borrow that CD you mentioned so that I could rip it?"

Dick Time is Always The Right Time

After a job interview yesterday, Joel walked around downtown L.A.

Most every dick grocery around was still closed, as it was only 8:30 in the morning. Joel did manage to come across a hot dog vendor in front of a convenience store.

Always quick-witted when hungry for dick, Joel ran into the convenience store, bought a 13-inch veal sausage and meatballs, and took it to the hot dog vendor to slather it in mayonnaise. Instant dick!

Joel will be releasing a "how to" book of dick cooking emergencies later next spring.

(pictured above, Jessica travels to France to release a pop album under a nom de plume. Singing in French, however, doesn't deter her from talking about poop as usual.)

A slight misunderstanding

CORRECTION: Yesterday EADJ reported that Joel had signed on to write one episodes of the Tatum O'Neal soap opera "Wicked Wicked Games." In actuality, Joel had simply WATCHED an episode of "Wicked Wicked Games" in his boxer briefs while eating bologna out of the package. EADJ regrets the error.

The episode Joel watched was titled "Delayed Gratification." Though Theodore and Emma make a pact to keep the family secrets between them, Brooke’s suspicions are nonetheless aroused. And while Josh tries to prove that Emma should have faith in him, Edward proves that he cannot be trusted.

(pictured above, Amazon.com CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos announces the exciting new "Eat a Dick!" option on its store, allowing consumers to "eat a dick with only one click!" Unfortunately, the only consumers that this option is available to is Joel Thomas and strangely, Mia Farrow.

CLARIFICATION: EADJ readers have pointed out that in today's and yesterday's entries, the plural word "episodes" followed the singular word "one." The EADJ writers assure everyone that this is intentional, to make it funnier.