More Available But Stupid Porn Stage Names

"Sup. Wait, hold up, hoss. You can't walk onto set and start fucking until you get yourself a porn name. My buddy Huzz has some available porn names in that bucket over by the window, and you can help yourself. But be warned, my dude– they're mostly shitty and embarrassing. Like the movies themselves.

Him

B. Nana Sling

Rodrigo Skidmarks

Banging Chad

Ollie Wantsistocuddle

Randy Sumbitch

Her

Mona Clonal Antibodies

Polly Urethane

Cher N. Sharealike

Maxine Out Yourcreditcards

Pegging Youhard

Belle Bivdevoe

A Hiccup, Part II

 As surely and stupidly as it began, the clerical error over at Blogger has been corrected somehow and the four EADJ entries flagged for "malware" were reinstated.

Wheee!

UAG

Weren't You The One Who Tried To Break Me With Goodbye / Did You Think I'd Pathmark / Did You Think I'd Lay Down and Die

UAG

Friggin' Priorities.

Spotted in a Sesame Street fire safety coloring book:

Despite burning clothes, fur and the possibility of third degree burns all over his flesh, Cookie Monster makes sure he does NOT drop his cookie.

Wait a minute. He didn't have cookies during "stop" and "drop," so where did that cookie come from?

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Ten Inch Hero

What makes a sandwich authentic? Back in 2009, we explored (with help from Tom Weingard) what made for a suitable and an unsuitable Philly cheesesteak. Now when it comes to movies, there's a similar way to tell why identical ingredients can form an unsatisfying rip-off. This method is known as the EADJ Crappinema.


Today we review the movie "Ten Inch Hero" a story of three girls- Piper, Tish and Jen, and their trials and tribulations with love as they run a restaurant in a small town. If this sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly the plot summary to 1998's "Mystic Pizza." And writing-wise and acting-wise, "Ten Inch Hero" is pretty close in quality to "Mystic Pizza," only it's a sandwich served up 22 years too late.
















The following conversation is lifted verbatim from the film:



Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey is really good.





Zoe: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.






Piper: Oh. Okay…Um, egg salad, then?




Zoe: Well, eggs are really chicken abortions. I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on.



Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating the by-product of the hen's menstrual cycle.




Priestly: Well, that's certainly appetizing– a "hen period salad." That's lovely.






































The following line is verbatim from the film:

Piper: (after seeing Jen's date fuzzzy_22) That settles it. I have GOT to get my DSL hooked up.



























From Wikipedia:

Ten Inch Hero did not get a cinematic release in the US and was instead released direct to video. It was released February 10, 2009 in the United States exclusively by Blockbuster Video, and released May 6, 2009 on DVD in Australia.






Overall grade: F