Some Terrible But Available Pornstar Names

Welcome to Exxxotic Productions! I'm sure you're ready to get started, but before you get on that water bed and hump in front of the cameras, we're going to need you to fill out these tax forms, sign this NDA, and then pick out a pornstar name from this shoebox. Don't worry– none of these have ever been used by someone else, and you'll find out with good reason:

Males

Fenton Nil

Asper Inne

Putin Mydickinyou

Crymore Liberals

*Very* Deep Roy

Females

Eiffel T. That

Kara Pace

Sara Tonin

Shen Yun (she’ll never stop bothering you afterward)

G. Lori Hole

Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracies

Alex Jones and his talented pool of writers have been cooking up some good fake news stories for you conspiracy-minded. Here are the latest juicy piles of bullshit coming your way soon:

• The moon doesn't exist; it's actually a giant illuminated balloon engineered by Disney to make you wish more.

• Menudo is a cleverly disguised human trafficking operation run by Mexican cartel dwarves.

• Anyone wearing a Canada Goose down jacket can legally be drafted into the Canadian Goose Research Expedition in the Antarctic.

• Whoever's in the prison kitchen actually in charge of tossing the salads probably gets wisecracks all the time (not a conspiracy, just an observation).

• If you cannot pronounce something at a sushi bar, you get it for free.

• That Stretch Armstrong doll you enjoyed pulling apart as a kid actually could feel all of that.

Maximum Effort

Spotted on social media: with double movie/product tie-ins, we have achieve peak Ryan Reynolds saturation. 

Unintentional Exquisite Corpse

Spotted on reddit, a pair of thumbnails that create a creature with two heads and four legs:

The Grammys!

This Friday, CBS presents the 408th Annual Grammys, celebrating the best in music for 2023-2024.

featuring performances by:

Howie Duskfeather!

The Podcasters!

Shawna Gettyimages!

The amateurish YouTube stylings of Atharv Arpalanawa!

A special reunion of the 90s grunge band GREST!

Musical puppeteer Donald Thoroughford!

Lil' DebE and the Swiss Rollz

Constipated Hank!

Professor In-Charge Stooo-Dent Debt!

The Felt Bulges!

The Meritocracy Sisters!

The WeQuitOurDayJobs!

Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff That Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye 5X!

Time Once Again To Play, Which Can, Erickson?

Match the toilet to their location below:

• Time Out - Chapel Hill, NC

• Golden Corral and Flying J - Elkton, MD

• Sport-N-Fun Go Karts - Farmington, MI

• The Smith - NYC

• Red Oak Grille - Basking Ridge, NJ

• Doña  - Oakland,CA

Answers revealed tomorrow!

 

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Well, time to WRAP this whole adventure up!" *lame laughter track*

"Holy shit, are you Ryan Gosling?"

"No, are you Michelle Williams?"

"No."

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAHHHHH! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Are you ready to race?"

"No."

"From tha muthafuckin' streets of Dayton Ohio, bitches, we RUN THIS BITCH."

"If you have your hand up in me, who has their hand up in you?"

Uh... is this movie real? Pass.

"Jeez, fans of Olivia Newton John probably never knew how hard she was to work with behind the scenes." 

It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Goodbye! Good-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Some Available But Terrible Names For A Journey Tribute Band

There's Departure. There's Arrival. There's Open Arms. There's both Don't Stop Believin' and DSB. There are so many tribute bands devoted to Journey that you will be hard pressed to find a song title or lyric that a tribute band hasn't claimed as their name for their gig at Molly McManus' at 10pm, $3 cover and CDs will be sold at the bar.

So what do you do if you've already formed a Journey tribute band but have no ideas for a band name? We got you. Let EADJ take over and give you a cleared list of flyer-ready monikers:

• Don't Stop Believ-ish

• Won't Stop Believin'

• Can't Stop Believin'

• Midnight Train Going Anywhere

• City Boy

• South Detroit

• Street Lights

• People, Whoaaa

• Tyler Perry's Steve Perry

• "Separate Ways, Worlds A-party" Band

• Hearts Broken In Two, Two, Two

• Eye O' The Tiger (not a Journey tribute band, actually. More for a Survivor tribute band from Ireland)

• Sort of Faithfully

• Wheel On The Stage

• AAAHHAAHHAHHHHOHHHHHHH

• Any Way You Watt It (led by someone with the last name Watt)

• Who's Crying Now That Steve Perry Has Been Replaced By That Filipino Guy

What's Going On Here?

I spotted this threesome around 10pm in a New York City parking garage. This series of photos tells an incomplete story of two guys and one girl- who are they? How do they know each other? What are they talking about? Why haven't they shot at me yet?

Here now are several scenarios that we cooked up that attempt to explain who these three are:

• A young man named Chell goes on a date with his high school crush. He learns she does cocaine, so before he takes her to a club, they visited Chell's drug dealer cousin who works at a parking garage to score some coke so Chell can "score."

• Monica breaks up with Tristan when he fails to propose to her on their fifth year dating anniversary. She immediately dates an older boy, who proposes to her after only 3 weeks of dating. Monica and her new fiancé pay a visit to Tristan at his job at the parking garage to announce the engagement. Tristan plays it cool although it's breaking his fucking heart.

• Donovan is always protective of his sister Gwen and has a great sixth sense of which guys are bad for her. Gwen knows this and takes whatever boy she's dating to get a sense if he's worth dating. Their code is this: If Donovan has both feet down, the guy is solid. If he leans against a column and lifts one leg, however, the guy is probably either a irredeemable douchebag or a useless momma's boy.

• McMillen is a veteran cop who happens to just look young. He poses as an attendant at a parking garage adjacent to a known mob-owned restaurant to keep an eye on the low-level players to observe which ones are moving up in the organization. Here he is casually making small talk to mob enforcer Joe "Prosciutto" Panelli and his show-offy ditz girlfriend Candace. Rated R for violence and brief nudity.

• Seth is a clumsy, lovable bear of a guy who just wants to have a girlfriend. After hitting it off with a nice girl at a late night yogurt joint, he takes her to the aquarium, four bars, a dance club, one of those places where you can paint pottery, a fondue joint, and finally back to his car at a parking garage. Hector, the parking attendant, is about to tell Seth that the girl is a prostitute.