UAG

Terrifying

The horror!

A Teeth Entry

Fucking terrifying.

Let's Unzip The EADJ Mail Sack!

 Submitted by John Reid:

"Ahem"

The ProofrEADJer: August Edition

And Now For Something Completely Pathmark

This Week In Hip-Hop Awfulness

Once again, we highlight the best and worst in hip hop album and mix tape covers. Mostly the worst.

I don't care if you put on 3D glasses or not, you cannot possibly look tough surrounded by confetti.

That portable Beats By Dr. Dre speaker goes for $400. Just hand over that one wad on the right.

Sonny Digital and X Que finally earn enough money to make the cover of the rare "Atlanta square format" edition of Forbes Magazine.

No change needed, Don Trip.

"HEY. I WANT YOU TO DO MY LAUNDRY. BUT SEPARATE MY DARKS FROM MY WHITE GARMENTS. I CAN'T STAND HAVING BLUE STREAKS IN MY WHITE TANK TOPS."

When your car's grill is shinier than yours, it might be time to switch to a baking soda-based toothpaste.

The Infection Spreads Unchecked

Spotted on a Lufthansa ad in a NJ Transit train, a gummy zombie hungers for the insatiable pleasure of devouring living brains.

Fucking creepy.

The Anthropomorphic Nightmare Continues

A few weeks ago, we spotted a tooth that had teeth. Disturbing.

Today, in a Manhattan deli bathroom (don't ask) we spotted a soap dispenser holding hands with a drop of water and a hand. 

Did you catch that? A HAND that has HANDS.

WHAT THE FUCK FRANKIE I WANT TO GO HOME

Spotted in "Matters" Magazine

This innocuous ad for the South Orange Family Dentistry shows a couple of mascots encouraging kids to brush their teeth.

But upon closer inspection, I realized that both the toothpaste and the tooth HAD TEETH. So not only is the toothpaste about to brush its teeth, the TOOTH IS BRUSHING ITS TEETH. 

Are both the toothpaste and the tooth brushing their teeth with the toothpaste coming from the toothpaste? Isn't that some kind of sick cannibalistic sexual thing now? Would the toothpaste that the toothpaste is using to brush its teeth just wind up back in the tube? Is there anything more beautiful than a child's smile?

THE TOOTH IS BRUSHING ITS TEETH. SLEEP WELL, KIDS.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)