A Rilly Dum Onlyn Ad

From the Book of Dumbass: 24:7

It's Time To Say Goodbye To Whatever Bullshit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The Latest New Perks of Being an AMC Stubs Member

AMC would like to know why you haven't signed up for their Stubs Rewards Program. Especially since they've added so many new benefits for current and new members. Here are the latest perks you can enjoy if you sign up now:

• We give you a large flag, so if there's a line of dialogue that you didn't catch, you can hold the flag up and we will rewind the film reel 15 seconds for you.

• Unlimited free refills of Coke in your car's gas tank

• If you let us, we will hold and shake your penis for you while you pee in the bathroom

• GIANT SALTED PRETZEL NECKLACE

• Free offshore tax shelters (for Stubs members with over $500M)

• Members who are Instagram influencers will be able to live stream the entire movie on their channel, free of charge.

• Special private screening of all upcoming Marvel movies so you can spoil it for everyone else like a real asshole.

A Quick Word About Project Mc2 Toys For Girls

It's encouraging to see a booming interest in S.T.E.M. (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) subjects among children and young people, and with that comes the advent of STEM-related toys for sale. Some toys are better than others, of course. But one particular brand is trying to cash in on the STEM craze while still keeping their feet in the goddamned 1950s. I'm talking about Project Mc2 toys, based on a web series of the same name featuring "a highly secretive group of female government operatives who are trying to protect the world."

Project Mc2, rather than just promoting learning and interest in scientific subjects, chooses to add a thin layer of "science" to the archaic notion that girls should just play with makeup and go to the spa and worry about their appearance. The result is this grotesque mashup of encouraging learning and not-so-subtly keeping women and girls in their place.

I'm sure the argument here is "well, girls do like makeup and getting dressed up and doing their nails" which might be true, but why reinforce all that on girls who might only want to learn about science? Why girl-ify anything just because you want to pander girls? Science is science and interesting enough as it is. You don't need to put a pink skirt on a supercollider so girls can learn about atoms.

Beauticians are scientists! Hair stylists are conducting experiments!

Perfume, WITH SCENTS INCLUDED?! Wow, a bonus!

"Spa experiments." "Slumber Party Science Kit." You know, girls can be girls, but this cynical pandering (and patriarchal pressuring) is not fucking welcome in 2019.

The ProofrEADJer: August Edition

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Learnings

Here are 3 takeaways we learned from watching 25 straight days of crappy, maudlin, unironic Hallmark Christmas Movies:

1) After about 15 movies, it's pretty hard to find one that doesn't star the same actors or actresses.

When we started in December, we had this arbitrary rule where we couldn't review a movie that starred the same actor or actors. Little did we know that there are a lot of repeat performers in this genre. You'd think with Hollywood teeming with actors and actresses–all with slightly-above soap opera acting skills–this wouldn't be a problem. But I guess Hallmark likes having a stable of go-to talent.

 Here are some movies we couldn't review because of the damn same actors:

2) Doing an EADJ Crappinema write-up shouldn't take as long as it does. I consistently cranked out a pretty lengthy Hallmark movie write-up (similar to the Crappinema entries) daily for 25 days straight. Each movie took about 1.5 hours to watch and 2 hours to make fun of. The last Crappinema entry was posted on August 4, 2015, and before that, September 3, 2014.  I've proven in the last month that it doesn't have to take a fucking year to write these stupid things. So look for more of this shit in the future. I apologize in advance.

3) I'm no screenwriter, but those movies pretty much write themselves. Here are the main elements you need in any of these movies:

• single parent / broken heart
• a small town to come back from the big city to
• bright, precocious kids
• a co-worker BFF who acts as pep talker/cheerleader
• a Christmas festival full of events and decorations
• a misunderstanding in the third act that creates temporary conflict

So make the movie about a [teddy bear maker] whose [factory] closed down in the big city, so they had to come back to their hometown and meet an old classmate who happens to specialize in [toy law]. They team up and start their own [teddy bear factory] and fall in love in the process. "Stuffed For Christmas" starring Lacey Chabert and [handsome dude].

I've considered doing this 25-day thing every December, actually. It's oddly fun for me and there is NO SHORTAGE of these types of movies. We'll see!

Surplus Slogans For A Shitty Shark Movie

New Segment: Package Labels Behind The Scenes

The following packages all have distinctive imagery, so much so that EADJ went behind the scenes to find out what the process was to arrive at these memorable labels:

"Okay, X. I know you're a legendary rapper with a solid street rep, but do you think you could look more like you're smelling the Hot Pocket and maybe giving it a little respect?"

"I hate working with you."

"I hate working with you, too. But it's a paycheck. So suck it up, baby."

"Okay, we need a baby with a possibly mixed ethnic background– someone you couldn't just peg as 'Asian' or 'black.' I know, that's totally racist, but... WHOA, Amber, is that your baby??? He'd be perfect for this!!!!"

"All right, now hold the inhaler up to your face without bringing it all the way up... yes, and cock your head to the side like you're a cool mom and this is no big deal... nice... Hey, are you busy after this shoot? You wanna get some coffee?"

"Wait a minute for the fucking butterfly to land; we have low exposure lighting here. Okay, aaaand... FUCK! It flew off again! Put more of that fucking sugar water on the surface. It's coming back... and... FUCKING FUCK!"

The ProofrEADJer: Autocorrect Can't Do It All Edition