Kickstarter's Newest Crowdfunded Projects

Kickstarter has announced another round of projects on their website that have successfully met crowdfunded goals. Here are the latest greenlit offerings:

• A tape measure that second guesses itself

• A gas-powered label maker for people who want to label things but don't want it to be too convenient

• Gummi Pringles

• A Kerry Washington memorabilia container to hold all the Kerry Washington memorabilia you've collected over the last few Kerry Washington years

• Hypoallergenic makeup for your 7 year old beauty pageant contestant who is just not applying herself and is GOING TO FUCKING LOSE AGAIN THIS YEAR

• A cheaper, easier crowdfunding website that puts Kickstarter to shame! (Update: CANCELLED)

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's signature Stubs rewards program has been so successful, and this week they've added even more perks for customers. Current and new AMC Stubs card members can enjoy these latest benefits:

• Free to use cot for when your spouse throws you out of the house

• Free tub of gross Oreo popcorn concoction that we can't even give away

• Free Cybertruck (but you can't give it back to us)

• Personalized seat posture analysis and critique from Lady Madeline Kurgien

• Access to our "baby crying room" which is actually the broom closet

• We will not cause the police if your crew starts some shit with another crew if none of them are AMC Stubs members

 

New Year's Resolutions of the Info Wars Staff

The following are the New Year's resolutions that the staff of Info Wars have made for themselves for 2024:

• Drop at least 30 IQ points

• Exercise more by chasing wild geese in news stories

• Finally accept that the moon landing was faked by Hobbit ghosts instead of Pirate zombies

• Take the fake news more seriously

• Pay more attention to the racist voices in my head

• Dress more like Steve Bannon

• Get the Cybertruck tuned up

• Proofread that manifesto before making 10,000 to air drop over New York City

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. Shower with me and bite on my nubble!"

"OOOWWW! Christ, you're giving me a wedgie!"

"They can see we're in the crosswalk, right? Right?..."

"See, you have to keep shooting the water stream into the clown's mouth until the balloon inflates and pops. And if you're first, you win the teddy bear."

"Nice rack, Sister."

"MUST... EAT... USHER'S BRAAAAAAINS..."

"Die, Chinaman! America will win this wa... wait a minute. You're a woman. Well, hubba hubba hubba! VaVOOM! Why don't you come over here and share a flask of scotch with me!"

"Doc says I have herpes. And I got it from Delilah, who got it from Ensign Blake, who got it from that gal Tootie, who got it from Captain Emser, who got it from YOU! Why I oughtta..."

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ

"Whoever you love, however you love, wherever you love, let love be the thing that keeps you moving forward in this precious life."

-Some bullshit quote I just made up on the spot

Coming Soon: The Fiverr Experiment

On Fiverr I came across this person who will WRITE FOR YOUR BLOG for a hundo. Sure, why not? Eat A Dick Joel needs some new blood for its stupidity. Plus, maybe she might be excited to write for a 12 year old blog full of butt jokes and poor Photoshop.

Stay tuned for the correspondence and lead-up to her EADJ entry.

The Infection Spreads More.

Editor's note: This post is a sequel to a 2009 entry.

Patient Zero of the infection was this lady from December 2008:

Years later, several new cases have been spotted in NY and NJ:

Stock up on water and canned goods. This is fucking terrifying.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of June 12

Twitter is just a big, dumb electronic megaphone that any moron can use. But even they have standards. The following are hashtags so unpopular, that maybe a bottom-feeding cockhole like yourself could use them. Go nuts:

#respecttheinjuns

#KraftSinglespasties

#poppinfresh'spenis

#TJMillercomiclegend

#gagmewithahobodick

#ConnectTwofordumbkids

#iscalpedtwoticketstoparadise

#ispankedthemonkeyandthenhebitoffmyface

#doingtheyougotsomethingonyourshirttricktosomeonewhojustlosttheirhealthcare