Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Real Estate Trends In Vigo County, Indiana

"The Vigo County area, as well as the Clay and Sullivan County areas, are starting to... Ahh... UGGGH!... become a buyer's market as... GAH... can't breathe... FUCK... new business developments and ... ah... ahh... uh... and... um, lower interest rates... Ah.... ah... have... GUH... in L... LE...LE..." *dies*

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)

EADJ Semi-regular Fashion Write-Up

I'm sure the greatest challenge is some social circles is to find the ugliest coat on the discount fur rack and just work it like it's never been worked before.

Gerbil fur with pin stripes? FUCK IT. Put on some multi-buckle knee-high boots and a leather messenger bag and just MAKE THAT FUCKIN' THING WORK, GODDAMMIT.

"Excuse me, my good fellow! Please pardon the intrusion, but I seem to be turned around here! If you could be so good as to direct me to the Montclair-Boonton train, which from my understanding is scheduled to depart this very station at precisely 4:12 pm– oh, excuse me madam- and whose boarding should have been announced a good 3 minutes ago according to my pocketwatch... You see, I am running late for an old fashioned fishmongers convention, yes, I sell haddock in Cheshire back in 1920's England. Oh. I see you are holding a coffee cup full of your own urine. I shall bid my leave now. A good morrow to you, stranger!"

Spotted in New York. Obviously.

When Mom told you to dress in layers, she didn't mean a hoodie under a tank top over a t-shirt over leggings with a scarf and fanny pack and a what the fuck is going on here. Who told this lady to wear an entire yard sale? No, wait. Does that tank top have a hood? And if this clarifies anything for you, yes, I did hear her speak in an English accent.

Just so you know, there's nude leggings, and then there's really nude leggings. And I am not kidding you– I spotted Slim Goodbody here in front of the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Hey dude, you probably think you look like Kris Kristofferson in "Blade," but the truth is you look like Wilford Brimley at a leather bar. Or maybe he's a swashbuckling rogue with the umbrella? Pain.

Spotted at the Jersey Shore- one of the biggest and grodiest fucking white woman dreadlocks I have ever witnessed up close. I'm pretty sure raccoons would skitter away from how unsanitary that thing is.

And if you look closely at this photo, you can also catch some sandals and socks action as well as a really huge ass in the background. Bonus!

BOOM.

The more I stood in line, the more I realized I should be eating a salad instead of a cheese dog.




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Blackberry Face

Blackberry Face affects 1 in 30 Blackberry users.


What is Blackberry Face?
Blackberry Face is an expression similar to Sturgeon Face, except it appears during moments of intense concentration, rather than when saying, "Not bad, but could be better." The mouth is turned down, the chin protrudes a little, and the user starts to resemble Jim Backus from "Gilligan's Island" or one of those statues on Easter Island. (They're both island-related; what could that mean?)


Should people stop using Blackberrys?
Absolutely. But not to avoid having Blackberry Face. People should stop using smartphones in general because it makes them look like total tools when they're friends are trying to have a serious conversation with them. Are you even listening to me, Gail?



:[

The Rest Stop Fashion Show!

Off the rack and right off the turnpike, see what the ladies are wearing this season!


Tess and Imelda are "on the go" in a long sleeve tee with yoga pants and a blue sweatshirt with grey sweatpants, courtesy of Big Dogs Clothing!


"What should I order at Starbucks?" Although Carla is indecisive about her caffeine fix, she definitely knows what to wear with a hooded fur-lined jacket from Strawberry: a fanciful license plate-themed PJ bottom from Old Navy!


Buying a commemorative penny for your son from a vending machine doesn't have to be a chore anymore, thanks to a comfy pink sweater with fanciful waist fringe and velour pants from Fingerhut!


A white jacket with black dorsal striping from North Face goes well with plaid PJ bottoms and polka dot rain boots from JC Penney, n'est ce pas? C'est vraiment magnifique!


The right ensemble makes a statement. And a black Columbia fleece coat with black sweatpants with anatomically-incorrect paw prints on the rear says, "A miniature cartoon lion pushed me out of his den!"


L-iiimber up, girls! Jenny stretches the boundaries of chic in a grey hoodie from Target, some Ugg boots, and black sweatpants from her mother's boyfriend's dresser. Ana goes outdoorsy in a white vest from Target, black leggings from Forever 21, and black boots from Jenny's mother's boyfriend's dresser.


No amount of cold can freeze out femininity! Rhonda defies the winter in a Peruvian hat, snowflake decorated red coat from Burlington Coat Factory, a Dress Barn dress over blue sweatpants, and a pair of Keds. And it looks like she's caught the eye of black R2D2!


"Turkey or ham?" Whilst considering her pre-made sandwich options, Donna bundles up in a North Face vest over a black hoodie over a white hoodie, both from Aeropostale.


Everyone loves a circus, and Michelle Litos takes center ring for the crowd in a checkered hoodie from God-knows-where and a snowflake-patterned pajama bottom from hell-if-I-know.

OM NOM NOM NOM

Pictured below, proof you don't get an apple bottom eating apples.

Get Ready To Live Excellently!

Spotted on 8th Street and 4th Ave in Brooklyn: some fat, bearded guy laid out in his minivan with the motor still running. No more calls, please- we have found our new king.






Here's to excellence! Viva l'excellence!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Winterize Your Car

To keep your vehicle in good working order this winter, get the right kind of oil change. The oil used should have the right viscosity, or thickness, for your vehicle at this time of year. Oil tends to thicken as it gets colder, and if it’s too thick it won’t do the best job of keeping your engine lubricated.

Speaking of thick, one time in Great Neck some guy had this really obese girl as a prom date and it ended up ruining my shocks. I'm not trying to be mean, but lose some weight, Missy!

A Bit of Fun

Music: "Bedroom Music" by Best Fwends

Hey, EADJ, Put A Record On I Wanna Dance With My Baby

You can't make a tiger change its spots. You can't make a shark evolve more. And you can't make Joel eat more dick than he already does.

Two weeks ago a self-proclaimed "life coach" Jerry Fusili offered his services to Joel. He vowed to get Joel to tighten his buttocks, sculpt his abs and get the cock-eating muscles in his jaw to expand. Joel was reluctant but agreed.

Four days into a new regimen, Mr. Fusili had sculpted Joel's buttocks into the shape of a large, pale, hairy taco holder. Joel's abs were well-defined but soft in the middle. And Joel showed no marked improvement in his cock-eating skillz, which were by the way already excellent.

So on the fifth day Joel fired Jerry Fusili. They never even discussed a payment plan, so they parted ways with a deep kiss and a firm shake of their dongs.

(pictured above, the Bucktown Beanery is very mean with their cookie tags)

Work it out, Chimp Servant.

Joel had been complaining about his chimp servant's low muscle tone and weak upper body strength. So he bought it a year-long membership to Shaz, the local hip gym, complete with Olympic-length pool and climbing wall area.

At first, the chimp servant resented wearing the obligatory tank top and shorts. And the treadmill buttons were too high for it to adjust the speed. But after a few weeks, it started to visit Shaz at every opportunity.

In a short period of time, the chimp servant has improved its core muscles, its oblique abs, and its endurance in the sauna. The newly-buff chimp also has been seen canoodling with Rebecca Romijn and Rebecca Gayheart. Joel has meanwhile gained 10 lbs., although his dick-eating burns tons of calories per day.

The chimp servant has recently challenged its master to a wrestling match in the Shaz parking lot. Rebecca Gayheart will be on hand to both referee the match and to run over children while driving with a cell phone. Bookies have 23 to 1 odds on Joel winning the match.

(pictured above, Andrew at one of those lunchtime Bad Film Club viewings. Can't remember which one. "Frogs?")

Dick To Dick Calling

(pictured above, cause and effect at 225 North Michigan)